That's better. Just remember to put in clear paragraph breaks. That means to leave an empty line between your paragraphs. Sounds simple, but it does make your essay easier to read.
Here's a few notes and ideas:
-You're a little bit short. I counted 304 words. You should try for 350. You're likely capable of that.
-I like to introduce my reasons along with my main point in the introduction. Just one sentence for each reason, following your statement of the main point. Check out the beginning of this article
for a sentence-by-sentence outline of how to do it. Yours is fine... but it could be a little better.
-You might want to consider writing only TWO body paragraphs and making them longer and more detailed. If you are writing three paragraphs you might not have time to flesh them out to the required length and level of detail required. This isn't a hard rule, but just a suggestion. If you are only capable of writing 300 or so words, you might want to consider this suggestion however.
-Your conclusion is okay, but I don't really like the "you" stuff (the "life advice" you hand out at the end). It just sounds a little awkward. You might want to avoid that sort of thing. Just stick to answering the question. Again, this isn't a rule but a suggestion.
Here's a few grammar and usage notes:
-"but instead to" sounds better than "but only to" in body paragraph 1
-Don't start a paragraph with a sentence that begins with "but." In this case you could just start with "The majority..."
-You misspelled "through."
-"Higher education" is correct. "Higher school" is wrong.
-Don't need the comma before "because it gives..."
-Don't need the comma before "even have programs..." You might want to read up on comma splices next time you are studying. It could help out a bit.
-Don't need the comma before "at least have finished..."
This grammar list is not comprehensive. There are other issues. I'm just trying to get you started.
Overall this is good work. Just take a look at the suggestions I've given and the corrections I've made and you should do fine on the test.
:TOEFLresources.com: Step-by-step guides to the test and a free essay evaluation service