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Please, rate my essay.

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Please, rate my essay. [#permalink] New post 20 Nov 2012, 04:54
This is my first try for the Toefl, I haven't used any templates because I really need a clear idea of what level I'm at. Any suggestions on what to focus would be great.
Topic: Discuss the advantages of telecommuting to working in an office. What do you prefer and why?
Answer:
With the development of technology new profession spawn each day. One such recent profession is telecommuting. Telecommuting is working for a company from home rather that in a company office. Although, it certainly has advantages I prefer the traditional way.
Telecommuting definetly has advantages. For starters you have all the advantages your home offers. You can open windows and turn up heat without consulting other people. The fridge, ofcourse, is just a reach away. You also don't have to go though all the trouble with getting to your workplace. No trafic jams, none of those horrid searches for a parking place, no parking tickets. You can just get out of bed and start working. Who says that you have to even get up? Working, without getting out of their own bed is allot of people's dream and with telecommuting it is possible. You also don't need to deal with the angry caffeteria lady, or with the annoying co-worker with the terrible jokes.
This is all wonderful, but I really can't see it happening for me. In todays world getting to your job is not that hard. If you have trouble with traffic, ride a bike. The exercise will do you wonders. That's how I get to work. The other advantages I see as irrelevant. I like social life and never had trouble with the caffeteria lady.And even if I had trouble with my parking, my lunch and my co-workers I'll still have to do the same amount of work. For me working in my house would be impossible. There are simply too many distractions. I don't think that I would resist turning the TV or the radio on or giving myself breaks. Working may even be be harder at home.
With all things in mind it all boils down to personal choice.Despite it's advantages telecommuting is simply not for all people and I am one of those.
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Re: Please, rate my essay. [#permalink] New post 20 Nov 2012, 07:59
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Your grammar is pretty good, though you have a few minor issues. Your vocabulary is fine.

I would suggest that you start looking at templates and organizational strategies. You NEED those. You write very well, but your essay isn't structured in a traditional way.
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Re: Please, rate my essay. [#permalink] New post 20 Nov 2012, 09:50
Is that the way native English students organize their essays? And the templates seem great(the ones on the site), but don't you get point reduction for using them?
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Re: Please, rate my essay. [#permalink] New post 20 Nov 2012, 16:32
Yes, that's a pretty standard style of writing essays in English. That's the way I learned in high school, and even the 90 page thesis I wrote when I finished university used basically the same format: introduction, body, conclusion. The key difference between what you posted and the revised version that I posted in response is the structure of the body. I don't think you should have stray clusters of ideas here and there. Try to organize everything into a pair of cohesive paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on one idea.

You won't get penalized for following this template. If you want to sound more sophisticated you can use the template but just use new phrases in place of the transitional words the templates suggest.
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Re: Please, rate my essay. [#permalink] New post 21 Nov 2012, 01:08
Okay I tried to use the template on this site and the question of the user below. Is it any better?
Q: People attend college or university for many different reasons (for
example - new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge).
Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific
reasons and examples to support your answer.

Answer:
Higher education is becoming more and more popular among young people. Do students go to college and university to develop in different directions or just for the seniors’ parties? I think that no one actually goes to college for the parties and everyone that is there is seeking some kind of self-improvement.
Many people go to college to specifically for new experiences. For example, students might go to college just to see if they can handle living on their own. Other people might go to some courses, without the idea of a career in that particular field, but only to increase their knowledge in the subject and see if they like it. Clearly there are many different possibilities for everyone.
But, the majority goes trough higher education with a plan to excel in an area and start a professional career. Higher school is essential for these people , because it gives the best possibly preparation for the career world. Many colleges and universities, even have programs with major corporations, that ensure that their most promising students have a job immediately after they finish studying or even before that.
Some people argue against higher education. They say that the career opportunities after graduation, don’t compare with the tuition costs. However, the statistics are on the side of the people who study, because they show that people who have ,at least finished college , get 50% higher salaries that those with only high school diplomas.
Many people go to colleges and universities for different reasons. If you have a clear idea of what you want to do with your life higher education is essential. But, even if you don’t colleges and universities are the perfect places to find out who you are and what you want, because of the many different experiences and possibilities they provide.
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Re: Please, rate my essay. [#permalink] New post 26 Nov 2012, 16:56
That's better. Just remember to put in clear paragraph breaks. That means to leave an empty line between your paragraphs. Sounds simple, but it does make your essay easier to read.

Here's a few notes and ideas:

-You're a little bit short. I counted 304 words. You should try for 350. You're likely capable of that.

-I like to introduce my reasons along with my main point in the introduction. Just one sentence for each reason, following your statement of the main point. Check out the beginning of this article for a sentence-by-sentence outline of how to do it. Yours is fine... but it could be a little better.

-You might want to consider writing only TWO body paragraphs and making them longer and more detailed. If you are writing three paragraphs you might not have time to flesh them out to the required length and level of detail required. This isn't a hard rule, but just a suggestion. If you are only capable of writing 300 or so words, you might want to consider this suggestion however.

-Your conclusion is okay, but I don't really like the "you" stuff (the "life advice" you hand out at the end). It just sounds a little awkward. You might want to avoid that sort of thing. Just stick to answering the question. Again, this isn't a rule but a suggestion.

Here's a few grammar and usage notes:

-"but instead to" sounds better than "but only to" in body paragraph 1

-Don't start a paragraph with a sentence that begins with "but." In this case you could just start with "The majority..."

-You misspelled "through."

-"Higher education" is correct. "Higher school" is wrong.

-Don't need the comma before "because it gives..."

-Don't need the comma before "even have programs..." You might want to read up on comma splices next time you are studying. It could help out a bit. :)

-Don't need the comma before "at least have finished..."

This grammar list is not comprehensive. There are other issues. I'm just trying to get you started.

Overall this is good work. Just take a look at the suggestions I've given and the corrections I've made and you should do fine on the test.
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Re: Please, rate my essay.   [#permalink] 26 Nov 2012, 16:56
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