This is a good start, but your essay is far too short. I counted 277 words. You need to write at least 350.
Here's a few suggestions:
1. Don't say "the given statement." Be specific. Say "I agree that......"
2. Don't say "might be." Be confident. Say "are."
playing..." (not "for").
4. You don't need that "I will..." line in your introduction.
5. You mean "from an early age"
6. "throught" is not a word. Save time at the end of your 30 minutes for proofreading.
7. Try to split that conclusion up into several sentences. You don't need to write a long conclusion, but it does need to be more than one sentence.
8. There are quite a few grammatical errors throughout your essay. They are not serious enough to make your essay unreadable, but they are significant. Be aware of this and don't stop studying grammar. Improving your grammar will be the fastest way for you to improve your overall score.
I hope these comments help a bit!
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