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please Rate my TOEFL Independent essay, and I will KUDthank!

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Intern
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Joined: 24 Jul 2013
Posts: 9
GMAT 1: 700 Q50 V34
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Kudos [?]: 1 [0], given: 8

please Rate my TOEFL Independent essay, and I will KUDthank! [#permalink] New post 16 Feb 2014, 17:30
Do you agree or disagree? "Playing games is important for both children and adults."

Personally speaking, I agree with the given statement. I think that games might be very beneficial not only for children, but also for adults, for playing enhances humans’ locomotion, creativeness and communicability. I will illustrate my opinion with several examples.
First, people generally attribute playing games to children occupations. From the yearly ages, child starts to explore the world through the games. They are also help child to develop basic skill such as reading, listening, and more importantly, thinking. Children start to learn throught the games because it is easy, familiar and attractive way to education. Thus, games advance children skills and abilities,
Second, I believe that playing games is also considerable important for adults. Practically all children play games, but when they have to stop playing game? I think that they should never stop to do it. Game is very convenient way to educate person, for person is not only comfortable with games but also used to them, as he or she did play in childhood. Moreover, I think that game’s atmosphere is an important factor not only for education, but also for relaxation. For instance, when I graduated from the university and started working, I feel myself uncomfortable in the work environment. But after I spend holyday’s evening playing football with my colleagues, I got used to them. Consequently, I started to perform much better on my work, talking and acting more freely with the people. Thus, I consider games important both for educational and for communicational purposes.
For aforementioned reasons, I believe that both adults and children should play games, because people should continue to explore world and learn new skill within whole lifes.


Guys, I will appreciate any feedback!
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Re: please Rate my TOEFL Independent essay, and I will KUDthank! [#permalink] New post 17 Feb 2014, 18:42
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This is a good start, but your essay is far too short. I counted 277 words. You need to write at least 350.

Here's a few suggestions:

1. Don't say "the given statement." Be specific. Say "I agree that......"

2. Don't say "might be." Be confident. Say "are."

3. "because playing..." (not "for").

4. You don't need that "I will..." line in your introduction.

5. You mean "from an early age"

6. "throught" is not a word. Save time at the end of your 30 minutes for proofreading.

7. Try to split that conclusion up into several sentences. You don't need to write a long conclusion, but it does need to be more than one sentence.

8. There are quite a few grammatical errors throughout your essay. They are not serious enough to make your essay unreadable, but they are significant. Be aware of this and don't stop studying grammar. Improving your grammar will be the fastest way for you to improve your overall score.

I hope these comments help a bit!
_________________

:TOEFLresources.com: Step-by-step guides to the test and a free essay evaluation service

Re: please Rate my TOEFL Independent essay, and I will KUDthank!   [#permalink] 17 Feb 2014, 18:42
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