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please read and rate my TOEFL essay (2nd)

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please read and rate my TOEFL essay (2nd) [#permalink] New post 11 Dec 2010, 00:13
Hi guys, I am preparing for the test. I will have it very soon.
I would really appreciate your feedback. For each feeback or rating I will give you a kudos. :)

Please rate my essay from 0 to 30. You may provide additional comments and point out my weaknesses it would be very helpful. But if you are busy, please only rate my essay becasue am concerned a lot with the total score.

Time: I have written it in 30 minutes.
Word count: 480.
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following topic: Childhood is the happiest time of person's life.

thank you! :)

Essay.

Some people think that childhood is the happiest time of a person's life. Others believe that mature age is happiest time of a person's life. The aforementioned issue is a controversial one but a closer examination reveals that childhood is not the happiest time of a person's life for several reasons.

One reason is that as a person growth he or she understands more and more about the life and surrounding world. Knowledge gives happiness. For example, when I was a child I wanted to grow up as far as possible because I wanted to learn how to read. Later, when I learned reading knowledge I received allowed me to acquire some interests and hobbies and further I enjoyed the life more and feel myself very happy about it. Clearly, if I were to remain a child I would have had only few interests and my vision of the surrounding world would have been limited. Therefore, as a person grows he or she acquires more and more knowledge and experience and this leads to more varied life experience and happiness.

Another reason is that as people grow and acquire knowledge in schools and then in university and then began work, they have earn money. Earned money may provide even more happiness, because people may spend their money on things they like to do. For example, when I was a student in high school I read a lot of stories of Mein Reed, he was my favourite author at that time. His stories are about different exotic countries and what adventures people experienced in that countries. I was dreaming about traveling and visiting a lot of exotic countries. Then, when I started to work I have materialized my dreams and have visited a lot fo countries since then. Thus, money very often makes people happy by allowing them to do what they want.

Perhaps the best reason is that the more mature is the person the more independent he or she becomes and therefore may do whatever he or she wants. For, example, when I was a child my mother did not allow me to go outside after 7 p.m., but when I was a student in university and studied abroad I was free and had a lot of freedom and I am very happy that I had an opportunity to decide myself what to do and where to go without any restrictions from my parents. Hence, the scenes of freedom or let say lack of my parents' supervision made me feel happy.

In summary, while there are arguments to be made for both sides, it is clear that the level of happiness is measured by person's maturity and therefore childhood is not a happiest time of a person's life. Moreover, I believe that when I become older I will be even happier because I will understand a lot of things.
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2 KUDOS received
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Re: please read and rate my TOEFL essay (2nd) [#permalink] New post 11 Dec 2010, 00:30
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The essay is good. I would give you about 25, because the essay is structured, long, fairly well written and you provide examples.

However, I see some grammar issues and some sentences are not great.

For example:
"One reason is that as a person growth" ---> grows?

Or these ones sound weird and are very long:

Later, when I learned reading knowledge I received allowed me to acquire some interests and hobbies and further I enjoyed the life more and feel myself very happy about it.


Another with similar issue:
Another reason is that as people grow and acquire knowledge in schools and then in university and then began work, they have earn money. --> and... and.. / to earn money

This sentence is very long, with many "...and...and...."
For, example, when I was a child my mother did not allow me to go outside after 7 p.m., but when I was a student in university and studied abroad I was free and had a lot of freedom and I am very happy that I had an opportunity to decide myself what to do and where to go without any restrictions from my parents

Try to write clear sentences and not long (2 lines max).
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Concentration: Entrepreneurship, Finance
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Re: please read and rate my TOEFL essay (2nd) [#permalink] New post 11 Dec 2010, 00:42
Thank you a lot rid82! :)

Yeah I see that some of my sentences are really weird.

I intented to say "As people grow=( become more mature).... blah blah.."

Here I missed a very important comma: "Later, when I learned reading , knowledge I received allowed me to acquire some interests and hobbies and further I enjoyed the life more and feel myself very happy about it.


Many thanks, your feedback is really helpful!
I would be satisfied with at least 25 points.
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Re: please read and rate my TOEFL essay (2nd) [#permalink] New post 11 Dec 2010, 08:16
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I would give it a 27. But for the grammatical errors and typos it could well have scored more. Just one small suggestion to go along with what rid82 said, I think you should always aim for a word count of above 500 to be on the safer side. It would not take you too much effort, just reiterate what the topic suggests and your position with respect to it. I don't think 480 or >500 words would make too much of a difference, but you do not want to take a chance :-D !

All the best for your stint with the TOEFL!
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Re: please read and rate my TOEFL essay (2nd)   [#permalink] 11 Dec 2010, 08:16
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