I’d rate your essay around a 4 or 3.5. Here’s some suggestions on how it could be improved:
1. Avoid thesis statements like “in this essay I will…” and focus instead on being more specific about the logical flaws that render the argument invalid. E.g. it relies on problematic assumptions and a false analogy. There is no need to announce what you are going to do. I would have the first sentence of your intro devoted to simply summarizing the argument. The second sentence should proclaim why this argument is invalid.
2. You are burying the stronger point in your second paragraph and should bring it into your topic sentence: there is no evidence or reason to believe that the strategy the competitor used on its newest brand is an effective strategy. Just because the competitor is successful doesn't make this one strategy successful. You explain this point well but need to set it up better
3. You are ignoring a significant flaw in the argument and focusing on an assumption the argument in fact does not make. The argument makes no claim or assumption about the success of the competitor’s newest brand. However, it does assume that strategies used by a successful, well-established competitor will work for a new start-up (or a company on the verge of releasing its first brand). This argument relies on the fallacy of false analogy: even if there was evidence that the strategy the competitor used was successful for its newest brand, that doesn’t mean the strategy would be successful for the Excelsior company. Explain reasons why, how differences in companies positions (name recognition, established customer base, etc.) could produce different results.
Susan Feldman, Ph.D.
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