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Please review and rate my essay - Issue 1

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Please review and rate my essay - Issue 1 [#permalink] New post 15 Aug 2009, 23:23
ISSUE TOPIC - PROGRESS IS ALWAYS GOOD FOR THE SOCEITY



We as a human race have been walking through the bridge of progress for centuries. The word progress itself epitomises mankind in all aspects of life but in my view progress sometimes come with its own set pitfalls which must be curbed via various factors in order to progress forward.

Firsty, the word progress itself emcompasses a varied range of subjects under its domain which constitutes various notions in our life. Science,Technology,Arts,Business,Education etc have all made progress in their respective fields but sometimes they have also caused certain damages to the soceity. Take the case of rapid industraialization where in we have attained the peaks by building factories,new products and innovations and created jobs but in doing so we have disrupted the ecological balance of nature by releasing intoxicicants into the atmosphere which has caused the depletion of the ozone layer as years go by.Forests have been ravaged and encroached in the name of progress causing imbalances in animal life and this has raised the question of survival for certain animal species.

Secondly, we have seen that progress instills a sense of insecurity among many nations which causes a worldwide anxiety and can sometimes lead to a global havoc. The cold war of the 80's between the United States and the then called mighty USSR is a perfect example of insecurity where both these nations tried to outdo each other in the name of progress which globally affected many aspects of mankind. The birth of the Taliban,who always feature in our morning newspaper, is beleived by many ecomonists and strategists to be a product of the cold war.This insecurity may cause the markets to crash globally sometimes leading to a global downturn. North Korea and Iran, the current axis of evil, with their vast nuclear proliferation and the ongoing arms arms has led the world to beleive that we are soon going to see World
War III.

Thirdly,the very negative feature of progress has been worked upon by humans to cater to their needs and cause disruption of mankind. In other words, progressive inventions have succumbed to the needs of people which in turn halts our progress. We can site the example of cellular phones which have taken the world by storm and they are omnipresent but terrorist groups have been using such devices without their IMEI number so that these groups cannot be tracked upon in carrying out their covert operations.

Moreover, from my own point of view i have seen people trying to progress so rapidly that they have forgotten their social environment. Progress sometimes instills a sense of blindness among individuals as a drug dose in order to
acheive it. People seem to forget their family, friends,loved ones but someday this very progress can lead to their own downfall.

To sum up, a restrained progress in certain streams is what we should be looking at globally or individually and can be acheived by global co-operation among nations and acknowledging the fact that we as a human race do not let the reins of progress slip out of our able hands.
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Re: Please review and rate my essay - Issue 1 [#permalink] New post 16 Aug 2009, 21:55
Expert's post
This is my first AWA review :oops:, so take it for what it's worth!

1. I think you need to improve your thesis statement (sentence in the end of the introduction). I believe graders always like to see a clear and sometimes even repetitive to the title statement about how you are planning to unfold your argument or issue. Don't worry about giving away too much.

2. Don't worry about impressing the reader in any way - you don't really need to - just need to draw a straight line. I think the goals of AWA are to demonstrate that you can use English Language and also to show that you can express yourself well and in a logical and concise form. I think the quality slightly above a gialougue would work - anyone feel free to disagree with me.

3. Good job with structure

4. Good job keeping the ending simple - the reader will want to find a summary or tie in of what you have written above - it is a big no-no to start a new topic in the ending. I would possibly even remove the "from my point of view" section. That's my opinion of course.

Minor things:
1. For some reason there is no space after "." or "," - not sure if it did not copy it or you just did not insert it
2. Good transitions
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Re: Please review and rate my essay - Issue 1 [#permalink] New post 05 Oct 2009, 10:37
Yes pretty good essay. Did you write it in 30 minutes?
Re: Please review and rate my essay - Issue 1   [#permalink] 05 Oct 2009, 10:37
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