This is my first AWA review
, so take it for what it's worth!
1. I think you need to improve your thesis statement (sentence in the end of the introduction). I believe graders always like to see a clear and sometimes even repetitive to the title statement about how you are planning to unfold your argument or issue. Don't worry about giving away too much.
2. Don't worry about impressing the reader in any way - you don't really need to - just need to draw a straight line. I think the goals of AWA are to demonstrate that you can use English Language and also to show that you can express yourself well and in a logical and concise form. I think the quality slightly above a gialougue would work - anyone feel free to disagree with me.
3. Good job with structure
4. Good job keeping the ending simple - the reader will want to find a summary or tie in of what you have written above - it is a big no-no to start a new topic in the ending. I would possibly even remove the "from my point of view" section. That's my opinion of course.
1. For some reason there is no space after "." or "," - not sure if it did not copy it or you just did not insert it
2. Good transitions
Founder of GMAT Club
Just starting out with GMAT? Start here... | Want to know your GMAT Score? Try GMAT Score Estimator
Need GMAT Book Recommendations? Best GMAT Books
Co-author of the GMAT Club tests
Have a blog? Feature it on GMAT Club!
GMAT Club Premium Membership - big benefits and savings