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Please review and score my essay

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Please review and score my essay [#permalink] New post 23 Oct 2012, 08:44
Question: "Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. Use specific reason to support your answer.

Here is my essay

"It is believed by many that art and music should be completely eliminated because other subjects such as math, science, or languages need being concentrated. In my opinion, however, I do think that teachers should teach students art and music in secondary school. Discussed in this essay are some reasons for my choice.

First of all, one of definite advantages of teaching such art as drawing, sculpture, and painting is to aid teachers to seek talents in those fields. It is when they still learn in junior high school that talents often possess wonderful skills. Therefore, only if students are taught subjects concerning art, are they able to hold opportunities in order to obviously manifest their prowess. As a result, teachers will discover remarkable talents while they are instructing learner. In addition, the school will establish groups of accomplished learners and provide them with further training so as to foster their abilities.

Second, that the school maintains educational qualification is a marked benefit of teaching music. As people usually listen to music to release strain so is music said to be an indispensable element in modern society? Hence, the school’s syllabus would rather be comprised of this necessary element. If not, the learners feel completely exhausted after hard studying other subjects. Additionally, it is soon that the learners grow weary of listening to lectures. Consequently, although instantly decreasing only a little school time, the practice of omitting music direly impairs educational qualification.

Last but not least, learning art and music assists the students acquire knowledge. For example, the students, contemplating masterpieces of famed artists and imparted related information, appear to hold deeper perception of art than do those not. Furthermore, not only it seems as if the students obtain the way of creating such works as drawings and sculptures but also does it look like the learners know how to compose pieces of music by their music theories. Without required to study art and music, the students cannot broaden their superficial enlightenment.

In summary, there are three justifications for my advocate of teaching art and music in secondary school: seeking talents, maintaining educational qualification, and acquiring knowledge. Should all of students are required to study art and music, some of them will become celebrated artist and composer. "

Please check grammatical errors and cohesive paragraphs. thanks in advance!
Please review and score my essay   [#permalink] 23 Oct 2012, 08:44
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