Please review my essay - my exam is tomorrow lol and this is the first essay i've written (while giving the full GMATPrep test 2). I went through the guidelines on gmatclub and tried to maintain the structure.
Can someone let me know what kind of score i can expect from this? Considering the effort and expectations, average/above average for AWA is good enough for me..
Also, is it too short? I ran out of time and could not conclude properly as well..
The following appeared in a magazine article on trends and lifestyles:
“In general, people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and
fatty cheeses. Walk into the Heart’s Delight, a store that started selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grain
flours in the 1960’s, and you will also find a wide selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content. Next door,
the owners of the Good Earth Café, an old vegetarian restaurant, are still making a modest living, but the owners of
the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
The author argues that people no longer regulate their intake of red meat to a degree that they used to a decade ago, but fails to provide sufficient evidence to support his claim. The only premise used to support the author's conclusion is quite limited in its scope - The statistics of three shops in a neighborhood are not sufficient to be considered towards a trend among the general public.
Moreover, the evidence itself is quite vague and lacks details such as whether the profits of the vegetarian shops declined over the period described, and by what percent if so. Also, the newly established House of Beef could be located in a location where demographics support consumption of red meat at a much higher rate than the general public. - A recent survey shows that sales from meat products and fatty cheeses for resturants near universities, constitute up to 80% of the total sales, and is about 30% higher than the overall average.
The author also fails to acknowledge alternate causes for the profits earned by the House of Beef. Such a high degree of earnings in a short time strongly suggests that the retailer could have secured bulk trading deals with organizations for provision of daily meal supplements or other arrangements. There is no mention of the distribution of sales among general public and bulk orders.
It cannot be denied that advances in medical sciences and healthcare facilities have enabled people to relax their diet to a higher degree than they could a decade ago, and there may have been significant changes in dietary patterns over the last decade. However, these changes would most likely be spread unevenly among different demographics, age groups and economies.
In conclusion, it would be appropriate to acknowledge the facts stated with a degree of interest and research upon them, but not jump to any conclusions from the given evidence. The argument can be strengthened perhaps, by considering the factors stated and citing more relevant data to account for the same.
This essay would probably get a 5. It's a little thin in terms on content, you're right, but not enough to make it unsatisfactory. You have good reasons to back up your thesis, and those reasons in turn are backed up by good examples (except the survey--I don't know where that came from, was it hypothetical or real? If it was real, from where?). Also, watch out for your own assumptions. You did good by attacking the possible reasons House of Beef is more profitable than Good Earth, but you assumed (as did the author) that it WAS profitable. Who knows where the owner got their millions? Maybe they used to be multi-millionaire until they opened the restaurant!
Good job, and good luck tomorrow!
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