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Please review my AWA

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Intern
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Joined: 24 May 2013
Posts: 40
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Kudos [?]: 4 [0], given: 16

Please review my AWA [#permalink] New post 29 Aug 2013, 04:40
"Two years ago Nova High School began to use interactive computer instruction in three academic subjects. The school dropout rate declined immediately, and last year's graduates have reported some impressive achievements in college. In future budgets the school board should use a greater portion of the available funds to buy more computers, and all schools in the district should adopt interactive computer instruction throughout the
curriculum."
Discuss how well reasoned ... etc.

The argument that all schools in the district should adopt interactive computer instruction throughout the curriculum fails to mention several key factors , on basis of which it could be evaluated. The conclusion of the argument relies on assumptions for which there is no clear evidence. Hence the argument is weak and has several flaws.
First, The argument claims that two years ago Nova High school began to use interactive computer instruction in three academic subjects and therefore the dropout rate declined immediately. However this may be true, but without considering other factors the correlation is difficult to prove. For example, In those two years the school improved its standards in teaching and infrastructure, which helped the school retain more students and Hence the dropout rate declined. So without mentioning other key factors, the argument is unsubstantiated.

Second, the argument readily assumes that last year's graduates impressive achievements were because of interactive computer instruction programme. This assumption does not help to strengthen the argument and make the argument convincing. The argument fails to mention the fields of these achievements and how those achievements are correlated with interactive computer instruction. For instance, The students could have excelled in fields of sports or other activities such as debate, extempore or quizzing. Interactive computer instruction hardly plays much role in these fields, thus not mentioning the particular fields of achievements the arguments does not demonstrate any correlation.

In addition, the argument suggests more allocation of funds to interactive computer instruction and proposes that this programme be adopted by all schools in district. This suggestion is not convincing because it does not consider if the schools in district have extra funds for its implementation and without any substantial evidence, which can prove the benefits of interactive computer instruction, this suggestion does not make the argument persuasive.

In conclusion, if the argument included the factors mentioned above and more compelling evidence, it would have been strengthened but without them, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.
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Re: Please review my AWA [#permalink] New post 29 Aug 2013, 18:33
Expert's post
Not bad -- I'd go somewhere between a 4 and a 4.5.

Watch-Outs:
-Run on sentences
-A few missing words here and there
-Maybe aim for 5 sentences per paragraph

I always encourage folks to check out the OG and read the sample paragraphs that they score as a 2, a 4, and a 6.

Hope this helps.

-Brian
_________________


Brian Lange | Manhattan GMAT Instructor | North Carolina


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Re: Please review my AWA   [#permalink] 29 Aug 2013, 18:33
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