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Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :)

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Joined: 21 Feb 2011
Posts: 17
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Kudos [?]: 9 [0], given: 7

Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink] New post 31 Aug 2012, 22:54
The Cumquat Café began advertising on our local radio station this year and was delighted to see its business
increase by 10 percent over last year’s totals. Their success shows you how you can use radio advertising to make
your business more profitable.”




The argument states that cumquat cafe was able to increase its business by advertising in the local radio station.stated this way , the argument is based on questionable assumptions.The argument fails to provide clear evidences and supporting facts to substantiate the claim .Hence the argument is unconvincing and deeply flawed.

Firstly, the argument mentions that the cafe started advertising in the local radio station , leading to increase in its business.The argument is making an assumption that radio is popular amongst the locals and that people do listen to radio.more over the argument also assumes that people make purchase decisions based on advertisement in radio.This is not substantiated by any data.It is also possible that the cafe is frequented motly by the teens and that teens do not tune into radio at all.In such a case the Argument will be considerably weakened.Hence , we need proper evidence to substantiate the claim laid in the argument.

Secondly the argument states that the advertisement in radio lead to a 10 percent increase in the business.We have been provided no evidences on the same.It is possible that the business normally experiences a growth of 10 percent year on year and that advertisement in radio has not affected the revenue in any way.We also dont know what other modes of advertising has been undertaken by the cafe .If there are more than one medium in which the cafe has started to advertise such as news paper, ads in local entertainment channels, then it will not be possible to ascertain the entire increase in revenue to radio.Hence the argument would have been strengthened if more data would have been provided to prevent the alternate reasoning.

Finally the arguments is making a recommendation on using the radio advertising to make busineess protitable.This is indeed a very general claim and the argument fails to take the cost benefit analysis into consideration.We do not know how much advertising cost in the radio and t he corresponding increase in revenue its likely to bring.without such a analysis busineesses may actually make a loss.hence the argument will fall apart.

The argument is flawed and based on questionable assumptions and could have been further strengthened if evidences would have been given to substantiate the claims.
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Intern
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Joined: 07 Aug 2012
Posts: 9
Location: United States
Concentration: International Business, Strategy
GMAT 1: Q35 V45
GPA: 3.44
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 7 [1] , given: 19

Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink] New post 01 Sep 2012, 16:20
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sudi03 wrote:
The Cumquat Café began advertising on our local radio station this year and was delighted to see its business
increase by 10 percent over last year’s totals. Their success shows you how you can use radio advertising to make
your business more profitable.”




The argument states that cumquat cafe was able to increase its business by advertising in the local radio station.stated this way , the argument is based on questionable assumptions.The argument fails to provide clear evidences and supporting facts to substantiate the claim .Hence the argument is unconvincing and deeply flawed.

Firstly, the argument mentions that the cafe started advertising in the local radio station , leading to increase in its business.The argument is making an assumption that radio is popular amongst the locals and that people do listen to radio.more over the argument also assumes that people make purchase decisions based on advertisement in radio.This is not substantiated by any data.It is also possible that the cafe is frequented motly by the teens and that teens do not tune into radio at all.In such a case the Argument will be considerably weakened.Hence , we need proper evidence to substantiate the claim laid in the argument.

Secondly the argument states that the advertisement in radio lead to a 10 percent increase in the business.We have been provided no evidences on the same.It is possible that the business normally experiences a growth of 10 percent year on year and that advertisement in radio has not affected the revenue in any way.We also dont know what other modes of advertising has been undertaken by the cafe .If there are more than one medium in which the cafe has started to advertise such as news paper, ads in local entertainment channels, then it will not be possible to ascertain the entire increase in revenue to radio.Hence the argument would have been strengthened if more data would have been provided to prevent the alternate reasoning.

Finally the arguments is making a recommendation on using the radio advertising to make busineess protitable.This is indeed a very general claim and the argument fails to take the cost benefit analysis into consideration.We do not know how much advertising cost in the radio and t he corresponding increase in revenue its likely to bring.without such a analysis busineesses may actually make a loss.hence the argument will fall apart.

The argument is flawed and based on questionable assumptions and could have been further strengthened if evidences would have been given to substantiate the claims.


First up, there were a few errors in spelling that could have been avoided, as well as commas that were spaced wrong and fullstops, with no gap and no capital letter in the beginning of the sentence (see underlined in above quotation). Also evidence is a singular plural, there is no such thing as evidences.

Based on a brief reading, I would probably give this a 3. I think your points slightly miss the point of the text. I believe, based on the sentence given there were two major issues with the statement.

Firstly, there is no evidence given that the increase in profits were the result of radio advertising, the results could have been due to a strong economy, or a season of excellent weather which encouraged people to go to cafes.

Secondly, the claim that radio advertising can bring success to "your business" makes the assumption that radio advertising is equally useful for all types of business, which is a completely unsupported and generalised argument.
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Joined: 21 Feb 2011
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Kudos [?]: 9 [0], given: 7

Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink] New post 01 Sep 2012, 23:16
Thanx a lot for the review .will certainly try to improve.

I have made another attempt.Please have a look.


“According to the most recent survey of our readers, nearly 70% of the respondents indicated that they are planning to build or purchase a new home over the next 2 years. These results indicate that the growth in the construction industry is likely to accelerate in the near future. Therefore, this industry continues to offer lucrative opportunities for investment.”

The Argument claims that the construction industry will continue to offer lucrative opportunities for investment in the near future based on a survey conducted by the magazine of its readers.Stated this way the argument is flawed and based on questionable assumptions.The argument is unconvincing and hence flawed.

The Argument is based on the assumption that the result of the survey is reflective of the trend in the construction industry as a whole.However, the survey has been conducted by the magazine of its readers.It is very likely that the people who are the buyers of the magazine are very likely to purchase house in the coming years.Hence the survey is a biased one.The optimism of the respondents may also be based on a recent improvements in the economic data, but that may be a seasonal factor and the optimism may soon decrease with sluggish Economic Data.Thus the argument then will fall apart.

The argument as published in the magazine might also be a paid survey.The builders may have vested interest in advertising about the good health of the construction industry.such paid survey are a very common thing in construction industry.Unless we know how diverse has been the group of people who has been surveyed, it will be difficult to substantiate the argument.

Finally the argument also fails to make a distinction between the types of home i.e luxurious or affordable under consideration.what applies to one kind of housing may not apply to the industry as a whole.In fact luxurious homes at times are recession proof and hence if the respondents surveyed are planning to buy these recession proof homes, the argument will be weakened.The argument could have been considerably strengthened if we would have more relevant data to analyse.

In summary,the argument is flawed and unconvincing.We need more evidence to ascertain the true facts of the argument.
1 KUDOS received
Intern
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Joined: 07 Aug 2012
Posts: 9
Location: United States
Concentration: International Business, Strategy
GMAT 1: Q35 V45
GPA: 3.44
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 7 [1] , given: 19

Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink] New post 05 Sep 2012, 02:43
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sudi03 wrote:
Thanx a lot for the review .will certainly try to improve.

I have made another attempt.Please have a look.


“According to the most recent survey of our readers, nearly 70% of the respondents indicated that they are planning to build or purchase a new home over the next 2 years. These results indicate that the growth in the construction industry is likely to accelerate in the near future. Therefore, this industry continues to offer lucrative opportunities for investment.”

The Argument claims that the construction industry will continue to offer lucrative opportunities for investment in the near future based on a survey conducted by the magazine of its readers.Stated this way the argument is flawed and based on relies on questionable assumptions.The argument is unconvincing and hence flawed.These assumptions and a lack of supporting evidence make the argument extremely unconvincing.

The magazine's argument is based on the assumption that the result of the survey is reflective of trends in the construction industry as a whole.However, the survey has been conducted by the magazine of its readers polling only the readers of the magazine.It is hard to believe that the readers of one magazine are representative of the entire economy. Given that the magazine is reporting on construction trends, it seems likely that the people who are the buyers of the magazine are more likely to build a house in the coming years. Hence the survey is a biased one.The optimism of the respondents may also be based ona recent improvements in the economic data, but that may be a seasonal factor and the optimism may soon decrease with sluggish Economic Data (don't capatalise anything other than names/places/nationalities/religious leaders).If this were the case, Thus the argument wouldthen will fall apart.

The argument as published in the magazine might also be a paid survey. The builders may have vested interest in advertising about the good health of the construction industry.such paid survey are a very common thing in construction industry.Unless we know how diverse has been the group of people who has been surveyed, it will be difficult to substantiate the argument.

Finally the argument also fails to make a distinction between the types of home i.e luxurious or affordable under consideration.what applies to one kind of housing may not apply to the industry as a whole.In fact luxurious homes are at times are recession proof and hence if the respondents surveyed are planning to buy or buildthese recession proof luxury homes, the argument will be weakened.The argument could have been considerably strengthened if we would havehad more relevant data to analyse.

In summary,the argument is flawed and unconvincing.We need more evidence to ascertain the true facts reliability of the magazine's forecast.



Hi again, got a bit bored of my quan practice so I had a read through. Argument wise this one is much better than your first. Despite a few grammar errors, your points were easy to understand and you came across as understanding the key issues of the argument very well. I got the feeling from reading this that you have a good grasp of business/economics which strengthened your points. I would give this a 4, if you can tidy up the spaces/full-stops and capitalisation I would probably give it a five and if your grammar was perfect I would give it a six. Given that you aren't a native speaker, I think you are doing really well. Just make sure you get the spacing between words correct (I've underlined a few of the mistakes you made with full-stops above). I also added (and highlighted) a few bits that I think could have been worded better. I hope this helps.
Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :)   [#permalink] 05 Sep 2012, 02:43
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Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :)

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