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Please review my essay

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Please review my essay [#permalink] New post 21 Mar 2013, 13:14
Hi everyone!
I have been preparing for the Toefl for some time now and was hoping that someone would take the time to rate and review my essay. Here it is:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Teachers should be paid according to how much their students learn. Give specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

The profession of a teacher is one of the most respected ones. It is also without a doubt one of the hardest. Teachers are the ones who have chosen to spend their lives trying to prepare the students for the difficulties that life brings. For reasons I can't quite understand they are sometimes unfairly paid. Teachers are hard working people who deserve to be paid a solid salary no matter how much the students learn because it's not their fault that some students are just not interested in learning anything and because after all being a teacher is a job and it should be treated the same way other jobs are.

First of all, I think that kids these days are much more worried about being popular and having a lot of friends than they are about their academic performance. We may take for example a kid who has homework to do and then a friend calls and invites him or her to go out. Chances are that they will leave their homework and go out without thinking too much. Then when the time comes to get evaluated they will perform poorly. Was it the teachers fault? No, because there was nothing a teacher could have done and they don't deserve to be punished for others irresponsibilities

Second, we must have in mind that a job is a job and they have to get paid no matter what. No one questions whether a bank worker should be paid according to the number of clients he gets. They have a contract with a set amount of payment and at the end of the month that is what they get. In this case I think that paying the teacher based on student performance would be discriminating.

Teachers work hard to make a better person out of us. They sacrifice a lot and try to pass their knowledge to others. But they can't control the choices their students make. Paying them based on what the students learn would be unfair not only because it's the student's fault but also because they make a living out of this job just like people with different professions.
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Re: Please review my essay [#permalink] New post 24 Mar 2013, 09:04
Your essay is very good. It is well reasoned and supported. At 362 words the length is acceptable.

Here's a few specific comments:

-Your grammar and structure is very good, but your opening sentence is quite awkward. Don't let a poor opening sentence give the person grading your essay a poor first impression of your ability. Try something simpler like "Teaching is one of the most respected professions."

-Read up on parenthetical commas. You could phrase your second sentence like so: "It is also, without a doubt, one of the hardest." See what I did?

-Eliminate "are the ones." You don't need it. And it sounds odd.

-"solid salary" is not a correct collocation. Try simply "high salary."

-You can use parenthetical commas in your body as well: We may take, for example, a kid who has..."

-In an essay "child" is more appropriate than "kid." The latter is too informal.

-Try to make your second body paragraph longer. Neither of your body paragraphs should be shorter than your introduction.

I hope these comments help! Feel free to re-post your work after making changes and I can take another look.
_________________

:TOEFLresources.com: Step-by-step guides to the test and a free essay evaluation service

Re: Please review my essay   [#permalink] 24 Mar 2013, 09:04
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