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Please review my essay..need your expertise

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Joined: 05 Jun 2012
Posts: 36
GMAT 1: 480 Q48 V9
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Kudos [?]: 3 [0], given: 18

Please review my essay..need your expertise [#permalink] New post 19 Aug 2012, 06:10
"At Giant Industries, our state’s largest private business, the average production worker is now forty-two years old. Recently, Giant’s revenue from the sale of textiles and paper, which together account for the majority of Giant’s manufacturing business, has declined significantly. Since an increasing percentage of new graduates from our state’s colleges and universities are finding jobs in other states, our state will soon face a crisis in which the size of our workforce will be insufficient to replace our current workers as they retire, in turn resulting in widespread business failure and a reduced quality of life in our state.”

The author has mentioned about the average age of the production workers and tried to establish a connection between current decline of sales with the workesrs.The whole structure of the argument is ambigous and more or less confusing.

According toe autor's point of view in the first statement he said about the about the age of all the prodution workers which is 42.That means all the workers are in the production sector for pretty long time, the extent of expreince and knowledge is much more higher.It should be an adavantagious for any of the production sector.Keeping this point apart..

In the second statement author has given a statical fact that the revenue from the sales of textile and paper has declined.The revenue that gets generated from this sector considered as the biggest share of market value for the Giant industires.

The decline in revenue of the paper and tetxtile sector in Giant industiores might be or might not be the directly related to the age of the workers. Gradually in market more companies might be immerging,more technologies are getting used, more variety of products are available.So relating age of the workers with the decline in sales is not at all agreeable.

Again in the third statement author has dicussed about the young graduates , who all are getting graduated form the colleges and getting jobs in other states.According to author his state will face scarcity of good workers when the old workers will retire.But it is possible that when experiendced workers will get retire at that time also students will be getting graduated from state colleges.The compnay can attarct them for the production workers job.
More over if the compnay is really concerned to replace the experinced people with new genertion or trying to incresase the bench strength so that after retirement the compny won't face any prodution issue then compnay can provide them industiral training or create some extra jobs for the younger graduates.

Author is really concerned about three facts first the decline in revenue,second younger graduates are getting placed in other states and third after retirement of experienced workers how to maintain the work flow of the production compnay.
But all the statistcal facts that has been provided by the author are not at all supporing each other.if author wants to make imporvement in revenue then he is not concerned about other factors which might have affected their sales, but at the same place he is not considering his experienced workers' efficiency during production job.Instead of that he is concerned about the future of the state and production work force when majority of work force will retire, how to main tain the fluency of prodution.

so each points are individually a matter of concern with respect to the author but when all the matters are getting considered at a time and author is trying to relate them with each other the argument seems to be much confusing and misdirected.
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Re: Please review my essay..need your expertise [#permalink] New post 20 Aug 2012, 09:36
Expert's post
soumyaranjandash wrote:
"At Giant Industries, our state’s largest private business, the average production worker is now forty-two years old. Recently, Giant’s revenue from the sale of textiles and paper, which together account for the majority of Giant’s manufacturing business, has declined significantly. Since an increasing percentage of new graduates from our state’s colleges and universities are finding jobs in other states, our state will soon face a crisis in which the size of our workforce will be insufficient to replace our current workers as they retire, in turn resulting in widespread business failure and a reduced quality of life in our state.”

The author has mentioned about the average age of the production workers and tried to establish a connection between current decline of sales with the workesrs.The whole structure of the argument is ambigous and more or less confusing.

According toe autor's point of view in the first statement he said about the about the age of all the prodution workers which is 42.That means all the workers are in the production sector for pretty long time, the extent of expreince and knowledge is much more higher.It should be an adavantagious for any of the production sector.Keeping this point apart..

In the second statement author has given a statical fact that the revenue from the sales of textile and paper has declined.The revenue that gets generated from this sector considered as the biggest share of market value for the Giant industires.

The decline in revenue of the paper and tetxtile sector in Giant industiores might be or might not be the directly related to the age of the workers. Gradually in market more companies might be immerging,more technologies are getting used, more variety of products are available.So relating age of the workers with the decline in sales is not at all agreeable.

Again in the third statement author has dicussed about the young graduates , who all are getting graduated form the colleges and getting jobs in other states.According to author his state will face scarcity of good workers when the old workers will retire.But it is possible that when experiendced workers will get retire at that time also students will be getting graduated from state colleges.The compnay can attarct them for the production workers job.
More over if the compnay is really concerned to replace the experinced people with new genertion or trying to incresase the bench strength so that after retirement the compny won't face any prodution issue then compnay can provide them industiral training or create some extra jobs for the younger graduates.

Author is really concerned about three facts first the decline in revenue,second younger graduates are getting placed in other states and third after retirement of experienced workers how to maintain the work flow of the production compnay.
But all the statistcal facts that has been provided by the author are not at all supporing each other.if author wants to make imporvement in revenue then he is not concerned about other factors which might have affected their sales, but at the same place he is not considering his experienced workers' efficiency during production job.Instead of that he is concerned about the future of the state and production work force when majority of work force will retire, how to main tain the fluency of prodution.

so each points are individually a matter of concern with respect to the author but when all the matters are getting considered at a time and author is trying to relate them with each other the argument seems to be much confusing and misdirected.
Hi soumyaranjandash,

This essay unfortunately gets a 2.

The biggest thing is language. It's hard to read your passage, since it's got multiple run-ons and grammar errors. It seems to me that the most serious problem is that you're trying to hard. Phrases like "According to the author's point of view in the first statement" look like they are meant to sounds formal and fancy. Don't write this way! The more you complicate your writing, the more opportunities you introduce errors. Write correct English that you feel comfortable with, and your score will improve.

Good luck!

Eli

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Re: Please review my essay..need your expertise   [#permalink] 20 Aug 2012, 09:36
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