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Please review my essay. Reviews will be rewarded.

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Please review my essay. Reviews will be rewarded. [#permalink] New post 09 Aug 2013, 01:17
The following appeared in the letters-to-the-editor section of a local newspaper.
“Muscle Monthly, a fitness magazine that regularly features pictures of bodybuilders using state-of-the-art exercise machines, frequently sells out, according to the owner of Skyview Newsstand. To help maximize fitness levels in our town’s residents, we should, therefore, equip our new community fitness center with such machines.”
Discuss how well reasoned... etc.



See my response below :

The author states that since the fitness magazine “Muscle Monthly”, which features pictures of bodybuilders using state of the art machines, sells out regularly at the local Newsstand, the community should equip the new fitness center with these machines to help maximize the fitness level of the residents of the town. The arguments makes several assumptions, lack of evidence to which renders the argument flawed.

First the author assumes that the people who purchase the fitness magazine purchase it with the aim of maximizing their fitness level. It could very well be that these residents buy the magazine to appreciate the good work put in by these bodybuilders with no intention to increase their muscle mass. It could also be that the primary purpose that they buy this magazine for is to read the articles which are not related to bodybuilding on increasing fitness.

Second the author assumes that the fact that the fitness magazine “Muscle Monthly” sells out at the local newsstand is a true indicator that most people want to increase their fitness level. The arguments fails to provide the proportion of the population that buy this magazine. It could very well be that the local newsstand stocks only 5 copies of the magazine and so the magazine is sold out regularly.

Third the argument concludes that if these machines are installed in the fitness center, resident would use these machines on a regular basis. While the residents may be interested to increase their fitness level, there is no evidence in the argument which says that these residents will use these machines often to maximize their fitness.

The argument can however be strengthened if there is evidence that those who purchase “Muscle monthly” are avid gym-goers and would use the newly equipped fitness center sufficiently to increase their fitness levels.

Without accounting for the above mentioned assumptions with substantial evidence , the argument fails to hold strong and is not credible.
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Re: Please review my essay. Reviews will be rewarded. [#permalink] New post 12 Aug 2013, 08:43
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This essay hits all the major points and is organized well so for that it would receive higher marks, however the logic is not as fully explained as it could be. Adding one or two sentences to each paragraph would greatly improve this essay and establish a better flow. Also, the sentence "The arguments makes several assumptions, lack of evidence to which renders the argument flawed." has many grammatical flaws and since it is the thesis statement of your essay hurts the overall impression.

If you simply changed it to: "The argument makes several assumptions with no evidence to back them up. This lack of logical evidence renders the argument flawed" it would go a long way towards fixing your holistic score.

as written I would probably grade this essay a 4
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Re: Please review my essay. Reviews will be rewarded.   [#permalink] 12 Aug 2013, 08:43
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