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please sumone evaluate the issue i wrote..

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please sumone evaluate the issue i wrote.. [#permalink] New post 13 Dec 2010, 02:10
In some countries, television and radio programs are carefully censored for offensive language and behavior. In other countries, there is
little or no censorship.

In your view, to what extent should government or any other group be able to censor television or radio programs? Explain, giving relevant
reasons and/or examples to support your position.


In modern world , media is spreading not only through television and radio. Media in the form of computer , mobile phones , e-readers are fast becoming norms of modern day media. But still the television and Radio remains the major source of entertainment for the masses. Programs telecast on them range from news , movies , serials , documentaries etc.

Now before I take a stand towards the censorship I would like to point out that despite the world becoming smaller and smaller because of the new modes of communication , still it possess the different cultures , religion , societies in different parts of earth which is represented and separated by the terms countries and continents. Every individual country has different cultures , religions and with that the people of every country has different psychology and perception towards different aspects of living the life.

Censorship of television and radio programs is not limited to censoring offensive language and behavior it also limits the ideology of the programs which are against the values of particular society or country. There is where government steps in to control the censorship keeping in mind the integrity of the people of its country. For example Chinese government controls and carefully censors all the programs which are aired on television and radio. Where as in Western countries the censorship is very limited.

Censorship of television and radio programs is also vital considering the influence it has on children. The influence of these programs is more on children than adults as with maturity adults understand’s right and wrong things. Governments of all the countries should be more involved in censoring the contents of programs , which are more likely to be viewed by the children , and have more offensive content. For example the recent mass student killing at Virginia polytechnic institute by fellow student could have been influenced by the television programs.

Considering all , it is very important on the part of the governments to control the censorship of programs telecast on television and radio , as if not censored these programs which possesses the threat to the cultural values of the society can leave a lasting negative effect on the society.
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Re: please sumone evaluate the issue i wrote.. [#permalink] New post 13 Dec 2010, 04:41
Well, the first observation is the essay looks short of words. I think you may include some more material in this essay. The current word count is 369, I think it should be more than 450.

Also, you need to structure this essay a bit more. Chinese burned guide to AWA is a best source to have an idea of AWA.

Best of luck & keep us posted.
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Re: please sumone evaluate the issue i wrote.. [#permalink] New post 14 Dec 2010, 19:36
Hey abhijain,

I'll agree with Hussain about the organization - it's not at all that the essay isn't well-written, but your job is to make it easy for the reader to see that it's well written. I'd suggest:

1) Having a clear thesis statement (conclusion) at the end of the first paragraph.

2) Use transitions like "One...Another...A third" or "One...Additionally...Also..." to lead your support paragraphs so that each clearly links back to the main point

3) Close the essay with a restatement of your main point, starting with "therefore" - you can just add that sentence to your existing last sentence and it would give that powerful closure and reminder of: 1) Your main point and 2) The fact that it was well-organized.


Hussain also mentioned length - probably the easiest way to make this slightly longer is to aim for 3 support paragraphs (your first and second are both kind of scene-setters, so you really only have two) and/or a "counterargument and rebuttal" paragraph that previews the opposition argument and then demonstrates a flaw with it, leading to your conclusion.



Overall, you have a lot of great things to say - if you can add that structure you'll make it easier for the reader to notice that, and if you can add another paragraph then you'll demonstrate that you have plenty of good things to say!
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Re: please sumone evaluate the issue i wrote..   [#permalink] 14 Dec 2010, 19:36
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