I'll agree with Hussain about the organization - it's not at all that the essay isn't well-written, but your job is to make it easy for the reader to see that it's well written. I'd suggest:
1) Having a clear thesis statement (conclusion) at the end of the first paragraph.
2) Use transitions like "One...Another...A third" or "One...Additionally...Also..." to lead your support paragraphs so that each clearly links back to the main point
3) Close the essay with a restatement of your main point, starting with "therefore" - you can just add that sentence to your existing last sentence and it would give that powerful closure and reminder of: 1) Your main point and 2) The fact that it was well-organized.
Hussain also mentioned length - probably the easiest way to make this slightly longer is to aim for 3 support paragraphs (your first and second are both kind of scene-setters, so you really only have two) and/or a "counterargument and rebuttal" paragraph that previews the opposition argument and then demonstrates a flaw with it, leading to your conclusion.
Overall, you have a lot of great things to say - if you can add that structure you'll make it easier for the reader to notice that, and if you can add another paragraph then you'll demonstrate that you have plenty of good things to say!
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