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Pls evaluate my essay.....when someone acheives greatness in

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Manager
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Joined: 09 Jan 2010
Posts: 128
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Kudos [?]: 4 [0], given: 12

Pls evaluate my essay.....when someone acheives greatness in [#permalink] New post 12 May 2010, 06:44
Thanks in advance

WHEN SOMEONE ACHEIVES GREATNESS IN ANY FIELD..SUCH AS ARTS,SCIENCE,SPORTS ETC. - THAT PERSON'S ACHEIVEMNTS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANY OF HIS/HER PERSONAL FAULTS.

my response

Whether the acheivements of a person, who excelled in any field be considered more important than his/her personal faults is a controversial one. On the one hand some people believe that personal acheivements eclipse the faults, on the other side their are people who beleive that personal faults outshine any acheivements that individual have made. In this argument I shall present my views against the issue,that personal acheivements are more important than the personal faults.

First of all, Successful persons represent their country and their people in the outside world. They also serve as role model for millions of their fans.If these persons make mistakes and their mistakes are ignored ,then it sends a bad message to the society. This case can be best explained by the recent example of number one golfer Tiger woods, who was caught involved in sex scandal. If his mistakes would have beeen neglected ,many other youngsters who are his fans,might have thought that such things are ok in society .Its common human nature to mimic the acts of their famous superstars or role models. Ultimately leading the society towards deterioation.

Secondly, their should not be no discrimination .No individual should be exempted for his faults ,just because he/she is very sucessful in his career.Law and order and other Rules of humanity should be equally applicable to every individual. We have enough examples from history that prove that humanity is above any individual. For example , Sanjay Dutt is a superstar in bolloywood, But he was also arressted under TADA and imprisoned for illegal possesion of AK 47 and suspicious involvement in Bombay blasts. Similarly another superstar Salman khan was arrested in Jaipur for illegal hunting of animals . Clearly individuals achievemnts are one thing and his/her faults another.They should always be considered seperately.


Thus , I conclude that nobody's acheivements should be considered above his faults for reasons such as no discrimination and avoidance of sending a bad message to the society. .
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Re: Pls evaluate my essay.....when someone acheives greatness in [#permalink] New post 03 Jun 2010, 06:31
Shalu, you have some grammar issues in the essay that need attention. Here is a review of your first paragraph:

Whether idea that the achievements of a person, who excelled in a field, should be considered more important than his/her personal faults is a controversial one. On the one hand some people believe that personal achievements eclipse faults, on the other side there are people who believe that personal faults outshine any achievements that an individual has made. In this argument I shall present my views against the issue, that personal achievements are more important than the personal faults.

In the second sentence on the one hand... on the other side? Which is it hands or sides?

You consistently misspell achievements. Which should be presented in the question so you have an example of the correct spelling.

The last sentence does not advance your essay. You need a stronger sentence to support your argument. Don't tell me what your going to do... do it. for example:

While there are many reasons that one might consider faults of primary importance, history has shown that we are remembered more for our success than our failures.

Then you would present some historical figures that exemplify your point in paragraphs 2 & 3. Then you might present a third personal point in Paragraph 4. In paragraph 5 you conclude. The conclusions follows the following formula:

Sentence 1: Its a controversy...
Sentence 2: Historical example 1 proves my point because...
Sentence 3: Historical example 2 reinforces my point...
Sentence 4: My personal experience parallels history...
Sentence 5: In conclusion it is clear that...
Manager
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Re: Pls evaluate my essay.....when someone acheives greatness in [#permalink] New post 03 Jun 2010, 09:22
thank you very very much Lonerockz .....I appreciate your comments and would try to improve in future.....

.
lonerockz wrote:
Shalu, you have some grammar issues in the essay that need attention. Here is a review of your first paragraph:

Whether idea that the achievements of a person, who excelled in a field, should be considered more important than his/her personal faults is a controversial one. On the one hand some people believe that personal achievements eclipse faults, on the other side there are people who believe that personal faults outshine any achievements that an individual has made. In this argument I shall present my views against the issue, that personal achievements are more important than the personal faults.

In the second sentence on the one hand... on the other side? Which is it hands or sides?

You consistently misspell achievements. Which should be presented in the question so you have an example of the correct spelling.

The last sentence does not advance your essay. You need a stronger sentence to support your argument. Don't tell me what your going to do... do it. for example:

While there are many reasons that one might consider faults of primary importance, history has shown that we are remembered more for our success than our failures.

Then you would present some historical figures that exemplify your point in paragraphs 2 & 3. Then you might present a third personal point in Paragraph 4. In paragraph 5 you conclude. The conclusions follows the following formula:

Sentence 1: Its a controversy...
Sentence 2: Historical example 1 proves my point because...
Sentence 3: Historical example 2 reinforces my point...
Sentence 4: My personal experience parallels history...
Sentence 5: In conclusion it is clear that...
Re: Pls evaluate my essay.....when someone acheives greatness in   [#permalink] 03 Jun 2010, 09:22
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