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Pls rate this essay # 2 - then I'll rate yours!

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Retired Moderator
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Status: 2000 posts! I don't know whether I should feel great or sad about it! LOL
Joined: 04 Oct 2009
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Location: Peru
Schools: Harvard, Stanford, Wharton, MIT & HKS (Government)
WE 1: Economic research
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Pls rate this essay # 2 - then I'll rate yours! [#permalink] New post 27 Oct 2010, 21:05
Please rate this essay!

“There is only one definition of success—to be able to spend your life in your own way.”
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this definition of success? Support your position by using reasons and examples from your reading, your own experience, or your observation of others.


Many people, influenced especially by media and society, think that success is being rich, famous and powerful. Other people think that success is living your life based on your dreams, goals, feelings and values. In other words, living in your on way. This issue is a controversial one but a closer examination reveals that success is living your life under your personal criteria. My reasons are the following:

First, success means reaching an objective or a dream. Let me explain, if we review the meaning of “success” in the dictionary, we will see that success is making a reality something that a person desires. It is reaching a goal. As you can see, money, fame or power doesn’t define success. Additionally, we must indicate that the goals are established by the individuals. Based on their personal desires, people set what they want to be happy. In other words, their goals and their success for them is subjective. In other words, success is living in your on way.

Second, the usual things that society and media consider as success not necessarily provide happiness. As I mentioned before, money, fame, power and other stuff related usually are considered basic for a successful live. However, there are many people who have these things, but they don’t feel happy. They are not successful for themselves. For example, there are people who have won millions of dollars in the lottery, but they are not successful. We can indicate that they don’t feel successful because some of them have killed themselves. If they had felt successful and happy, they wouldn’t have done that.

Third, people who live trying to reach their dreams and live under their personal beliefs and values are usually the most happy. A recent survey of the Departament of Psychology of Harvard University showed that the people who feel happier than the rest are those people who listen to themselves in relation to what they want for their lives. For example, Mother Teresa of Calcutta was a poor woman, but she considered herself successful because she was doing what she makes her happy, helping poor people.

In summary, I believe that success is living in your own way because: a) success is reaching your personal goals and objectives, b) the things that society usually consider as success not necessarily provide happiness, and c) the people who live in their own way are usually the most happy.

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1 KUDOS received
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Re: Pls rate this essay # 2 - then I'll rate yours! [#permalink] New post 03 Nov 2010, 14:55
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You are making a few typos. In your second paragraph "as success DO not necessarily ...".

Third paragraph "what she makes her happy", drop the "she". Also after happy you should have used a ": helping poor people".

Personally I would not use "Harvard" as an example, it sounds a bit too perfect to be true. Did you come up with that study, or does it really exist?

Also avoid using words such as "things" and "stuff", it sounds very unprofessional.

However I think that the colon "My reasons are the following:" is considered improper writing style for an essay. And also drop the "a) ... b) ... c) ..." in your summary, where did you get that idea from?

Probably (just to be picky) prefer "our" over "your" or rephrase your sentences to look more like a general definition.

If you fix the few aforementioned bits and pieces, you'll score a 6.0
Retired Moderator
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Status: 2000 posts! I don't know whether I should feel great or sad about it! LOL
Joined: 04 Oct 2009
Posts: 1726
Location: Peru
Schools: Harvard, Stanford, Wharton, MIT & HKS (Government)
WE 1: Economic research
WE 2: Banking
WE 3: Government: Foreign Trade and SMEs
Followers: 66

Kudos [?]: 286 [0], given: 109

GMAT Tests User
Re: Pls rate this essay # 2 - then I'll rate yours! [#permalink] New post 11 Nov 2010, 15:28
Thank you very much!

I agree with your recommendations. But you have to understand that my native language is not English. Give some credit! LOL

Kudos for you 8-)
_________________

"Life’s battle doesn’t always go to stronger or faster men; but sooner or later the man who wins is the one who thinks he can."

My Integrated Reasoning Logbook / Diary: my-ir-logbook-diary-133264.html

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Re: Pls rate this essay # 2 - then I'll rate yours!   [#permalink] 11 Nov 2010, 15:28
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