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PLZ PLZ PLZ... can somebody evaluate my first AWA??

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PLZ PLZ PLZ... can somebody evaluate my first AWA?? [#permalink] New post 02 Feb 2013, 08:11
This is my first AWA... I am a non-native English speaker, and I'm scheduled for the February, 20th exam. I am intending to write several essays, but need some help in directing me to the right way.... I would appreciate it if you can help me in that.

Here's the argument (From the OG):

"In a recent citywide poll, 15 percent more residents said that they watch television programs about visual arts than was the case in a poll conducted five years ago. During these past five years, the number of people visiting our city's art museums has increased by a similar percentage. Since the corporate funding that supports public television, where most of the visual arts program appear, is now being threatened with sever cuts, we can expect that attendance at our city's art museums will also start to decrease. Thus some of the city's funds for supporting the arts should be reallocated to public television".


MY ESSAY:


The argument claims that the attendance at the city's art museums is expected to decrease as a result of the severe cuts threatening the corporate funding that supports public televisions, where most of the visual arts programs appear, and therefore some of the city's funds for supporting the arts should be reallocated to public television. Stated in this way the argument fails to mention several key factors, on the basis of which it could be evaluated. The conclusion relies on assumptions, for which there is no clear evidence. And if it were to be shown that these assumptions are not true, the author's conclusion would be unsupportable. Therefore, the argument is rather weak, unconvincing, and has several flaws.

First, the argument readily assumes that the increase in the number of people visiting the city's art museums is due to the increase in the percentage of people who watch television programs about visual arts. While this might seem reasonable at first, there is absolutely no evidence to support it. The increase in the number of people who visit the city's museums may be attributed to other factors. For instance, what if there were other media who contributed to people awareness of the visual arts more than the television programs did? For example, new magazines specialized in this domain that were launched during the past five years and became very popular among the city residents? Or what if a couple of new art museums were opened during the past five years, which made the residents more aware of the visual arts, and thus more interested in them? If it turns out that either of these situations is possible, and had some contribution to the increased number of people who visit the museums, then the assumption that the number of people visiting the city's art museums is due to the increase in the percentage of people who watch television programs about visual arts simply cannot be sustained. If the assumption cannot be sustained, then we can clearly see that the author's conclusion that some of the city's funds for supporting the arts should be reallocated to public television in order to sustain the number of people visiting the arts museums is questionable at best and must be abandoned. However, on the flip-side, if the author were able to provide some additional evidence that this assumption is in fact true, then his conclusion becomes much stronger and easier to support. Therefore, the strength or weakness of this argument depends on the author's ability to prove this assumption.

Second, the argument assumes that the severe cuts threatening the corporate funding that supports public television will definitely result in reducing the number of programs about the visual arts that are broadcasted. This is again a very weak and unsupported claim as the argument does not demonstrate any evidence that support it. In fact, the argument does not even mention how this corporate would behave post the cuts. In order to prove this assumption, the corporate itself should be asked, and information about the corporate intents should be provided from the corporate itself, and not from the author's point of view. It may be possible that the corporate would maintain the same degree of support given to programs about visual arts, while reducing such support to other entities it is concerned with. If the author provided any evidence about the corporate intent to reduce support to programs about visual arts, then he would have sounded a bit more convincing.

Finally, the argument assumes that both polls: the one conducted five years ago, and the one conducted recently are representative and can be compared with each other. By that, the author ignores any element that may contribute to the differences between the results of the polls. These differences may be attributed to different factors that may make such comparison invalid. For example, what if a remarkable portion of today city residents has moved to the city during the last five years, and this portion is consisted of people who are interested in visual arts? By that, the two polls conducted may contain more elements that should be considered before drawing any conclusions directly from their results, because from the example given we can see that the results of the polls aren't comparable, and one should not depend merely on them.

In summary, the argument is entirely dependent on the validity of the author's unstated assumptions that I have already mentioned earlier in this essay. And due to the lack of evidence and appropriate examples to prove these assumptions, the argument can be considered flawed, and therefore unconvincing. If the author is able to prove that these are reasonable and true assumptions, his conclusion would be very solid, but if he is unable to do so and additional evidence arises that would negate any of the assumptions, his argument would fall apart entirely. The argument could be considerably strengthened if the author clearly mentioned all the relevant facts. In order to assess the merits of a certain situation, it is essential to have full knowledge of all contributing factors.


THANKS FOR EVERYONE :)
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Re: PLZ PLZ PLZ... can somebody evaluate my first AWA?? [#permalink] New post 02 Feb 2013, 22:50
I'm sorry I cant provide feedback for the efforts you took on this essay.... but i do understand your situation.... i just hope moderators are more helpfull in providing feedback... my essay hasnt been rated for a long time now and im really really disappointed.
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Re: PLZ PLZ PLZ... can somebody evaluate my first AWA?? [#permalink] New post 03 Feb 2013, 03:38
My friend, one should be patient!!! We don't know the other people's conditions!!!
Though I really don't have enough time before my exam, I really hope that someone can check it for me!!!! because I am in desperate need for it!!!!
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Re: PLZ PLZ PLZ... can somebody evaluate my first AWA?? [#permalink] New post 03 Feb 2013, 10:44
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Hani wrote:
This is my first AWA... I am a non-native English speaker, and I'm scheduled for the February, 20th exam. I am intending to write several essays, but need some help in directing me to the right way.... I would appreciate it if you can help me in that.

Here's the argument (From the OG):

"In a recent citywide poll, 15 percent more residents said that they watch television programs about visual arts than was the case in a poll conducted five years ago. During these past five years, the number of people visiting our city's art museums has increased by a similar percentage. Since the corporate funding that supports public television, where most of the visual arts program appear, is now being threatened with sever cuts, we can expect that attendance at our city's art museums will also start to decrease. Thus some of the city's funds for supporting the arts should be reallocated to public television".


MY ESSAY:


The argument claims that the attendance at the city's art museums is expected to decrease as a result of the severe cuts threatening the corporate funding that supports public televisions, where most of the visual arts programs appear, and therefore some of the city's funds for supporting the arts should be reallocated to public television. Stated in this way the argument fails to mention several key factors, on the basis of which it could be evaluated. The conclusion relies on assumptions, for which there is no clear evidence. And if it were to be shown that these assumptions are not true, the author's conclusion would be unsupportable. Therefore, the argument is rather weak, unconvincing, and has several flaws.

First, the argument readily assumes that the increase in the number of people visiting the city's art museums is due to the increase in the percentage of people who watch television programs about visual arts. While this might seem reasonable at first, there is absolutely no evidence to support it. The increase in the number of people who visit the city's museums may be attributed to other factors. For instance, what if there were other media who contributed to people awareness of the visual arts more than the television programs did? For example, new magazines specialized in this domain that were launched during the past five years and became very popular among the city residents? Or what if a couple of new art museums were opened during the past five years, which made the residents more aware of the visual arts, and thus more interested in them? If it turns out that either of these situations is possible, and had some contribution to the increased number of people who visit the museums, then the assumption that the number of people visiting the city's art museums is due to the increase in the percentage of people who watch television programs about visual arts simply cannot be sustained. If the assumption cannot be sustained, then we can clearly see that the author's conclusion that some of the city's funds for supporting the arts should be reallocated to public television in order to sustain the number of people visiting the arts museums is questionable at best and must be abandoned. However, on the flip-side, if the author were able to provide some additional evidence that this assumption is in fact true, then his conclusion becomes much stronger and easier to support. Therefore, the strength or weakness of this argument depends on the author's ability to prove this assumption.

Second, the argument assumes that the severe cuts threatening the corporate funding that supports public television will definitely result in reducing the number of programs about the visual arts that are broadcasted. This is again a very weak and unsupported claim as the argument does not demonstrate any evidence that support it. In fact, the argument does not even mention how this corporate would behave post the cuts. In order to prove this assumption, the corporate itself should be asked, and information about the corporate intents should be provided from the corporate itself, and not from the author's point of view. It may be possible that the corporate would maintain the same degree of support given to programs about visual arts, while reducing such support to other entities it is concerned with. If the author provided any evidence about the corporate intent to reduce support to programs about visual arts, then he would have sounded a bit more convincing.

Finally, the argument assumes that both polls: the one conducted five years ago, and the one conducted recently are representative and can be compared with each other. By that, the author ignores any element that may contribute to the differences between the results of the polls. These differences may be attributed to different factors that may make such comparison invalid. For example, what if a remarkable portion of today city residents has moved to the city during the last five years, and this portion is consisted of people who are interested in visual arts? By that, the two polls conducted may contain more elements that should be considered before drawing any conclusions directly from their results, because from the example given we can see that the results of the polls aren't comparable, and one should not depend merely on them.

In summary, the argument is entirely dependent on the validity of the author's unstated assumptions that I have already mentioned earlier in this essay. And due to the lack of evidence and appropriate examples to prove these assumptions, the argument can be considered flawed, and therefore unconvincing. If the author is able to prove that these are reasonable and true assumptions, his conclusion would be very solid, but if he is unable to do so and additional evidence arises that would negate any of the assumptions, his argument would fall apart entirely. The argument could be considerably strengthened if the author clearly mentioned all the relevant facts. In order to assess the merits of a certain situation, it is essential to have full knowledge of all contributing factors.


THANKS FOR EVERYONE :)

I am not qualified to rate the essay but I'll give u a couple of feedbacks:
1. Not much of an analysis. Too many questions posed but I failed to see good direction.
For example:
The conclusion relies on assumptions, for which there is no clear evidence. And if it were to be shown that these assumptions are not true, the author's conclusion would be unsupportable. Therefore, the argument is rather weak, unconvincing, and has several flaws.
May I ask how did u conclude based on previous statements.
2. Grammatical mistakes.
For example:
argument does not demonstrate any evidence that support it.
Either evidences or supports.
3. Long and Wordy sentences
For example:
If it turns out that either of these situations is possible, and had some contribution to the increased number of people who visit the museums, then the assumption that the number of people visiting the city's art museums is due to the increase in the percentage of people who watch television programs about visual arts simply cannot be sustained.

Hope it helps.
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Re: PLZ PLZ PLZ... can somebody evaluate my first AWA?? [#permalink] New post 05 Feb 2013, 06:32
Sure It helped!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!

I appreciate it that you gave me some minutes of your time!!!

And I am still waiting for someone, that can give me a comprehensive feedback....


Thanks again!!!! :)
Re: PLZ PLZ PLZ... can somebody evaluate my first AWA??   [#permalink] 05 Feb 2013, 06:32
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