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Plz rate my essay ASAP. My exam is on tuesday. :( :x

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Joined: 19 Apr 2013
Posts: 24
Location: India
Concentration: Entrepreneurship, Operations
GMAT 1: 570 Q49 V20
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WE: Information Technology (Computer Software)
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Plz rate my essay ASAP. My exam is on tuesday. :( :x [#permalink] New post 02 Jun 2013, 06:29
Hello everyone,
I have blocked my D-Day on this Tuesday. I did not concentrate on AWA from very start of my prep. Today I just have gone through some basics of AWA and some templates and written an analysis on a argument. Please guys rate my analysis ASAP.

Topic:



“To reverse the deterioration of the postal service, the government should raise the price of postage stamps. This solution will no doubt prove effective, since the price increase will generate larger revenues and will also reduce the volume of mail, thereby eliminating the strain on the existing system and contributing to improved morale.”

My Response in 30 minutes:



Argument states that deterioration of postal service can be reversed by increasing the price of postal stamps. Author assumes that with the increase in price of postal stamps will gain larger revenues to the postal department. Also author presumes that increase in price of postal stamps will reduce the volume of mail which, in turn, reduces the strain and contributes to improve the morale. Argument is flawed because of the blind assumptions author has taken on increase of postal stamps as a solution to reverse postal service deterioration, in addition author assumes price will help in development of revenues and eliminates strain.

Firstly, author proposed a solution without specifying the problems, which are causes for the deterioration of postal service. Also author should give necessary evidences to show how increase in postal stamps' prices will solve the current problems. In addition, author should also mention how much percentage of increase in postal stamps will discourage the current deterioration of postal service, along with standard statistics. Otherwise slight increase in price of postal stamps may not effect or discourage and even accelerates the deterioration of postal service.

Secondly, author should mention evidences how price increases will generate larger revenues. There may be other reasons that does not help in generating this larger revenues. So author should also mention those circumstances and how those should be overcome.

Thirdly, author should give clear examples how price increases effect reduction of volume of mail. Author should show past examples along with current projections that shows this co-ordination.

Lastly, author should also give proper evidences how reduction of larger mail eliminates strain and improves morale. There may be other factors which effect strain and morale. Author should present proper evidences or occurrences about this relationship.

In conclusion, author should present proper evidences that shows relation among price increase, reverse deterioration of postal service, larger revenues, reduction of strain and improvement of moral. Otherwise argument is totally flawed with no proper information which confuses the reader.



Expecting some ratings and responses ASAP.
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Re: Plz rate my essay ASAP. My exam is on tuesday. :( :x [#permalink] New post 05 Jun 2013, 04:38
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Hi saitharun,

Since you have very little time to improve, I would directly come to the point.

Although your Essay follows the standard 5 paragraph template and includes a lot of transition words, still the flow of thoughts is not smooth. The language is too repetitive(for example count "the author should"), the sentence construction is lengthy, the event sequence is haphazard, and the essay is monotonous in overall.

The sequence should be:

Paragraph 1: Explain what is the argument (Context and conclusion). Then state the evidences. Just mention that the the line of reasoning is incorrect and there are questionable assumptions. You need not include assumptions here.

Paragraph 2: This must state the assumption, as the assumptions are perquisite to the argument.
Paragraph 3: Attack the line of reasoning, present counter evidence.
Paragraph 4: Suggest, how the argument could be improved
Paragraph 5: Sum up all of the above and state your conclusion.

Coming to your essay:
Quote:
Argument states that deterioration of postal service can be reversed by increasing the price of postal stamps. Author assumes that with the increase in price of postal stamps will gain larger revenues to the postal department. Also author presumes that increase in price of postal stamps will reduce the volume of mail which, in turn, reduces the strain and contributes to improve the morale. Argument is flawed because of the blind assumptions author has taken on increase of postal stamps as a solution to reverse postal service deterioration, in addition author assumes price will help in development of revenues and eliminates strain.


This could be re-framed:

The argument claims that deterioration of postal service can be reversed by increasing the price of postal stamps. In support of the claim, the author states that the increased price of postal stamps will lead to large revenue and reduced mail volume, which, in turn, will help to eliminate the strain on existing system and improve employee morale. Stated this way, the argument reveals examples of leap-of-faith, poor-reasoning and fails to consider several key factors based on which the argument can be evaluated. The conclusion relies on questionable presumptions; hence, the argument is weak, unpersuasive and flawed.

The italic part can be memorized and used in almost all the arguments. The less you have to think, the more you can save time.
Practice other paragraphs in similar way and include variety, for example:

Instead of saying "the author should" - you can say "the argument could be improved/strengthened" , "the reasoning could be logical" , "the claim could be corroborated" etc.

I would again recommend check : how-to-get-6-0-awa-my-guide-64327.html , follow how the sample essay has been framed using the template.
All the best for your test. Hope I have helped.
_________________

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well."
― Voltaire


Press Kudos, if I have helped.
Thanks!

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Re: Plz rate my essay ASAP. My exam is on tuesday. :( :x   [#permalink] 05 Jun 2013, 04:38
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Plz rate my essay ASAP. My exam is on tuesday. :( :x

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