Frankly, this essay is not good at all. I don't want you to take it personally, but it is probably the worst essay I have seen on this forum so far. My grade is about 3.0 or 2.5. (I don't have time right now for a complete analysis, but I can answer any specific questions that you may have.) I guess that you are not a native English speaker (though, neither am I). The problem is, I do not even see that you understand the problem statement. For example, you are writing "Even though the profitability has increased..." However, the profitability of Furniture Depot did not increase. Only its sales have increased.
Make sure that you understand the problem statement and then understand very clearly what it is that you are trying to say. At this point I would strongly argue against using any templates. It looks like you are simply inserting meaningless sentences like "The conclusion relies on the assumptions,for
which no clear evidences are mentioned.Therefore,the argument is rather weak,unconvincing, and has several flaws." without any understanding.
Good luck, and let me know if you have any specific questions.
Please, read my comments line by line.
The argument claims that sales of "Furniture Depot" increased by 10% over last year's totals by taking services of internet advertising company.
No, wrong! The argument claims that advertising with this internet company can increase your profitability. In fact, the argument assumes
that the sales of "Furniture Depot" have increased by 10% over last year's totals. The argument suggests that this has happened largely due to the services of the advertising company.
Stated in this way the argument fails to mention the internal factors,on the basis of which the argument could be evaluated.
What are "internal factors"?
The conclusion relies on the assumptions,for which no clear evidences are mentioned.
"On assumptions". You don't need the article "the".
Therefore,the argument is rather weak,unconvincing, and has several flaws.
Bad style. "Weak", "unconvincing", "and has several flaws" are not parallel. Besides just because an argument relies on questionable assumptions does not mean that it is unconvincing
First,the argument attribute increase in sales of the "Furniture depot" only to the advertising.
This statement is a stretch and not substantiated one. There might be some other factors due to which the sales of the company increased such
as a new product launch for which the demand was more in the market,withdrawal of some competitors from the market,general increase in
demand with the increase in incomes of the consumers.
"and not substantiated one" --> "and not a substantiated one"
"There might be" --- wrong tense
"demand was more" --- word choice/idiom
Thus argument fails to consider other factors that might have influenced the increase in sales.
"might have influenced" is too weak after calling the argument "weak", "unconvincing", and an "unsubstantiated stretch"
Therefore, author fails to give examples to prove that the only factor in the increase in sales is internet advertising.
He doesn't have to prove it. Also, how can examples prove it anyway?
Second,author draws a parallel between increase in sales and profitability.
In a sense, although the word "parallel" is a bit confusing.
This premise acts as baseless because a situation might arise where in company increased its sales with the corresponding increase in costs.
What?! Which premise? Why is it baseless?
"where in company" --> "where a company"
Also it is unclear, what increase in costs would be "corresponding" to an increase in sales? Sales are usually done for profit, not for costs
Also, "might arise" is too weak after saying "this premise acts as baseless".
Hence a company might have a loss with the increase in sales,which increased due to internet advertising.
It is possible.
"increase in sales,which increased" is repetitive.
Furthermore,in making profitability parallel to increase in sales author fails to consider the profitability of company in last year.
What does it mean?
Finally,the argument concludes that by using internet services the company increased its profitability.
Wrong! It never says that!
This is an exaggeration as there is no information about the revenue and costs incurred by the company.
The never claimed that this particular company has increased its profitability. Also, "exaggeration" is not a suitable word in this context.
Therefore,author fails to provide enough evidences and examples which could be useful to prove that company increased its profitability by internet advertising only.
Wordy and confusing. Examples of what?
Even though the profitability has increased...
Implicitly,the argument has many flaws as many internal factors are not being considered while drawing the conclusion.
The argument cab be strengthened if at all author provide suitable examples of this causal relationship.
"if at all author prodive" is not good English.
Sergey Orshanskiy, Ph.D.