Intern
Joined: 30 Nov 2010
Status:App Time
Posts: 40
Location: United States (PA)
Concentration: Entrepreneurship, Technology
GPA: 3.2
WE:Information Technology (Computer Software)
Re: Rate my essay!
[#permalink]
26 Jun 2011, 16:57
Good effort!
I would rate the essay between 3.5 and 4.5.
A minor suggestion. "The above argument emphasises on the negative sides of the internet but it fails to take into account that it is also one of the most effective tool we ever witnessed". You want always contrast with some context. My suggestion is a bit wordy and I'm sure you can trim it down but I think you get the idea.
The main issue I have with the essay is with the examples. You bring up some good points like you can now buy tickets online. However, focusing on the root advantage would give the reader a better understanding of what you are trying to convey. In this particular case, the real advantage is that online transactions simplify our lives. Your example appears to suggest that internet has allowed people to fly.
Also, try not use words that have different connotations in different English dialects. "Thug" has a slightly different meaning in American English. The word you are probably looking for is "hoodwink" or simply "cheat".
Lastly, for an academic essay such as this, try to avoid exclamatory sentences unless absolutely necessary. Also, keep in mind that examples you provide should make sense to the writer. For example, "genie in a bottle" is something that can have different interpretations depending on the reader.
Hope that helps.
Keep practicing!