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Rate my first AWA Essay (Manhattan GMAT Strategy Guide)

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Author Message
Intern
Intern
User avatar
Status: Student
Joined: 06 Oct 2013
Posts: 29
Location: Germany
Concentration: Operations, General Management
GMAT 1: 670 Q49 V35
GPA: 2.4
WE: Other (Consulting)
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 16 [0], given: 17

Rate my first AWA Essay (Manhattan GMAT Strategy Guide) [#permalink] New post 07 Jan 2014, 08:53
I did my first Essay to the topic presented in Manhattan GMAT Strategy Guide 1.

"The country of Tarquinia has a much higher rate of traffic accidents per person than its neighbors, and in the vast majority of cases one or more drivers is found to be at fault in the courts. Therefore, Tarquinia should abolish driver-side seatbelts, airbags, and other safety measures that protect the driver, while new cars should be installed with a spike on the steering column pointed at the driver's heart. These measures will eliminate traffic accidents in Tarquinia by motivating drivers to drive safely."

Essay

The author of the essay proposes to remove safety measures that protect the driver in cars and install a spike on the steering column in new cars in order to reduce traffic accidents. The point is flawed, in that the argument makes numerous unwarranted assumptions and illogical assertions.

First of all, the proposition of removing safety measures and installing dangerous spikes will increase the number of fatal accidents in which people die. As it is not stated in the argument w(h)ether those accidents are just causing little damages at the cars or result in death, the proposed measures will definitly increase the amount of fatal accidents.
Moreover the argument seems to lack in evaluating unforeseen consequences. Since in all new cars there has to be a spike installed and in all old cars the safety equipment has to be removed, it is not realistic that the industry and furthermore the people are willing to take this effort.
In any event the argument states that the proposed actions will eliminate traffic accidents. This conclusion takes a logical leap as the correlation between the changes in the car might not correlate to the causes of all traffic accidents. Unexpected actions can still cause the driver to have a crash. Hence the proposed actions will not eliminate all the traffic accidents.

In conclusion the argument fails to consider major issues undermining the proposed action to lead to the wished result. In fact it might worsen the situation due to an increase in fatal accidents or might have no impact at all. An other possible opportunity to reduce traffic accidents on Tarquinia’s streets it might help to evaluate the reasons why people are found (missing: guilty) at fault in the courts.

[Reveal] Spoiler: Word Readability evaluation
Words 285
Sentences 13
Words/Sentence 21.9
Flesch Reading Ease: 46.8
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level: 12.0


I finished reading, planning and writing after approximately 23 minutes, though the question was presented a few times before I was asked to work on it.
Could someone score my Essay and give me a few points to improve?
Italic written parts of the text are already detected as faults.

Thank you in advance! :-D

_________________

(offline until 20th of march because of university exams)

Thank You = 1 Kudos
B.Sc., International Production Engineering and Management
_______________________________________________________

#1 Official GMAT Prep 1: 530 (Q41 V21), 10/10/13
#2 Manhattan GMAT CAT 1: 600 (Q43 V30), 12/17/13
#3 Manhattan GMAT CAT 2: 640 (Q43 V34), 01/13/14
#4 Manhattan GMAT CAT 3: 660 (Q45 V35), 01/16/14
#5 Manhattan GMAT CAT 4: 650 (Q45 V34), 01/18/14
#6 Manhattan GMAT CAT 5: 660 (Q42 V38), 01/21/14
#7 Official GMAT Prep 2: 640 (Q48 V30), 01/26/14
GMAT 670 Q49 V34 AWA5 IR6 - TOEFL ibt 110

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Re: Rate my first AWA Essay (Manhattan GMAT Strategy Guide) [#permalink] New post 08 Jan 2014, 05:55
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This post received
KUDOS
TheZezet wrote:
I did my first Essay to the topic presented in Manhattan GMAT Strategy Guide 1.

"The country of Tarquinia has a much higher rate of traffic accidents per person than its neighbors, and in the vast majority of cases one or more drivers is found to be at fault in the courts. Therefore, Tarquinia should abolish driver-side seatbelts, airbags, and other safety measures that protect the driver, while new cars should be installed with a spike on the steering column pointed at the driver's heart. These measures will eliminate traffic accidents in Tarquinia by motivating drivers to drive safely."

Essay

The author of the essay proposes to remove safety measures that protect the driver in cars and install a spike on the steering column in new cars in order to reduce traffic accidents. The point is flawed, in that the argument makes numerous unwarranted assumptions and illogical assertions.

First of all, the proposition of removing safety measures and installing dangerous spikes will increase the number of fatal accidents in which people die. As it is not stated in the argument w(h)ether those accidents are just causing little damages at the cars or result in death, the proposed measures will definitly increase the amount of fatal accidents.
Moreover the argument seems to lack in evaluating unforeseen consequences. Since in all new cars there has to be a spike installed and in all old cars the safety equipment has to be removed, it is not realistic that the industry and furthermore the people are willing to take this effort.
In any event the argument states that the proposed actions will eliminate traffic accidents. This conclusion takes a logical leap as the correlation between the changes in the car might not correlate to the causes of all traffic accidents. Unexpected actions can still cause the driver to have a crash. Hence the proposed actions will not eliminate all the traffic accidents.

In conclusion the argument fails to consider major issues undermining the proposed action to lead to the wished result. In fact it might worsen the situation due to an increase in fatal accidents or might have no impact at all. An other possible opportunity to reduce traffic accidents on Tarquinia’s streets it might help to evaluate the reasons why people are found (missing: guilty) at fault in the courts.

[Reveal] Spoiler: Word Readability evaluation
Words 285
Sentences 13
Words/Sentence 21.9
Flesch Reading Ease: 46.8
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level: 12.0


I finished reading, planning and writing after approximately 23 minutes, though the question was presented a few times before I was asked to work on it.
Could someone score my Essay and give me a few points to improve?
Italic written parts of the text are already detected as faults.

Thank you in advance! :-D



4-4.5

if it is ur first essay, yes u did a great job.

the paragraphs are a bit shorter than required.
you have to elaborate(more) the points raised.
Re: Rate my first AWA Essay (Manhattan GMAT Strategy Guide)   [#permalink] 08 Jan 2014, 05:55
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