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Read my essay and give me feedback?Please & Thank you!

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Read my essay and give me feedback?Please & Thank you! [#permalink] New post 08 Apr 2013, 08:14
This is my first practice essay so I'm not sure how to grade them yet!

The following appeared in a proposal for a high school's annual fundraising event:

"In order to earn the most money for supplemental school programs, we will have larger and more thrilling rides at this year's School Fair, including a ferry wheel that is twice as tall as last year's ferry wheel. In addition, the game vendors will award more expensive prizes and the food stalls will showcase a variety of upscale international dishes. As a result, we will be able to charge a higher entrance fee and the dollar amount we earn via our commission on the vendors' revenues will be higher than it was last year."


There is no evidence of correlation between investing more money in better rides, games, prizes and food and increased attendance,as such It would be foolish of the highschool to invest more money in them. It could very easily result in the loss of money for schools and supplemental school programs. Whether or not patrons would pay more for a ticket and vendors is a complicated and multifaceted question that requires actual research and cannot be answered with basic assumptions.


This argument speculates that low attendance at last year’s fair was related to people being dissatisfied with the rides, games, prizes and food at the fair. This however, was never proven with any polling of residents and it should be considered a logical fallacy to assume that there is any causation between the two events. Had a well designed poll been given to ask the residents if these were relevant concerns than it may be plausible to site causation.

This argument also makes the faulty speculation that even if people were dissatisfied with the rides, games, prizes and food that they would be willing to pay more if they were better. In order to draw that conclusion we would have to know how disatisfied the patrons of the fair were and how important fixing these issues are to them. Their level of disatisfaction is important because they may say they are disatisfied in a poll thats given, but that doesn’t mean that they are disatisfied enough to pay for satisfactory options. That being said, it is quite possible that the residents of this area may not be able to afford higher priced tickets and more expensive vendors, even if it is very important to them that they have better fair options.

This argument also makes the assumption that people would be willing to pay both a higher ticket price and higher prices to vendors. It is possible that people may agree with higher ticket prices, but after paying increased ticket prices would not want to spend as much at vendors, or vice versa. The argument assumes that the school will experience increased revenue from both of these sources, which cannot be proven. It also assumes that people want to eat upscale international food from said vendors. There was no poll taken to ask residents what kind of food they would want at the fair.

In conclusion, It is clear that it would be useless to increase ticket prices and vending prices without any further research. It could easily result in the loss of money for the school district and residents who are angry about increased pricing.
Read my essay and give me feedback?Please & Thank you!   [#permalink] 08 Apr 2013, 08:14
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Read my essay and give me feedback?Please & Thank you!

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