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Request to rate my AWA

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Request to rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 12 Mar 2014, 04:06
Hello, can you please rate my essay. Thanks!

Question:
The following appeared as part of a business plan recommended by the new manager of musical rock group called Zapped.
"To succeed financially, Zapped needs greater name recognition. It should therefore diversify its commercial enterprises. The rock group Zonked plays the same type of music that Zapped plays, but it is much better known than Zapped because in addition to its concert tours and four albums, Zonked has a series of posters, a line of clothing and accessories, and a contract with a major advertising agency to endorse a number of different products."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion, be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

Essay:
The new manager of Zapped suggested in his business plan that Zapped should increase their name recognition to achieve a commercial success. He considered commercial enterprise’s diversification as a means of increasing brand recognition. It is easy to show that these statements are not supported and have serious flaws. The most important defects in argumentation will be analyzed below.

First, the manager claimed that a brand is a key factor of commercial success. This assumption is not proved by the manager and is arguable. Indeed, popularity of brands and commercial success of enterprises are usually based on the quality of their products. So, perhaps, the manager just considered one of wishful signs of a commercial success as a reason for commercial success. The following example is illustrating this point: such companies as Ferrari and Toyota are successful because of outstanding qualities of their cars, not just because of good brands. Moreover, their brands are based on qualities of their products: Ferrari means speed; Toyota means quality and so on. Hence, probably, the manager should consider good music, number of concerts and albums as crucial factors of success and recognition.

Second, the manager supposed a diversification of commercial enterprises as a way to recognition and gave Zonked as an example to prove his point. But, again, one could argue that the manager confused reasons with results. It is more probable that in case of Zonked high recognition of the group caused by their music is the main driver of clothing and accessories lines success. So, it is possible that even if the manager spends huge amounts of money on advertisement of such enterprises it will not yield any considerable contribution to music group recognition and success.

In addition, the comparison with Zonked seems incomplete. It is not enough to compare only musical styles, to make any conclusions. The number of albums, geographical and cultural factors should be compared as well. For example, it is possible that Zapped perform its concert tours in regions where rock music traditionally is not so popular. In this case Zapped will be less financial successful then Zonked even if their names are equally known.

So, one could suppose that to achieve a commercial success the manager should pay more attention to promotion of the group’s main product – the music. It will increase group’s name recognition and will prepare right ground for commercial success of other group’s products, such as clothing, accessories. Hence, the main priority for the manager should be concerts, albums, and music in general. Also the manager should ensure that the music achieve the right audience.

However, if the manager believes in suggested approach, he should provide more information. A careful analysis of other groups (including Zonked) success stories could yield rich material to support the manager’s business plan.

Thus, the manager should provide more information to protect his business plan. As log as this plan relaying on unproved assumption, Zapped should not use it for their business reorganization.
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Re: Request to rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 12 Mar 2014, 10:52
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Happy to help Igor!

I think you do a nice job of identifying flaws in the argument. You also don't commit any huge grammar mistakes which is important.

One recommendation for improvement is the flow and style of your writing. Right now, there are moments in your essay that feel too terse and choppy. Here is on particular point:

Igor2014 wrote:
The following example is illustrating this point: such companies as Ferrari and Toyota are successful because of outstanding qualities of their cars, not just because of good brands. Moreover, their brands are based on qualities of their products: Ferrari means speed; Toyota means quality and so on. Hence, probably, the manager should consider good music, number of concerts and albums as crucial factors of success and recognition.


Also, the end of your essay seems to be more a collection of sentences than final thoughts or even paragraphs. I would encourage you to organize your ideas a little bit better at the end.

Overall: 4
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Kevin Rocci
Magoosh Test Prep

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Re: Request to rate my AWA   [#permalink] 12 Mar 2014, 10:52
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