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The common notion that workers are generally- Rate Please

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The common notion that workers are generally- Rate Please [#permalink] New post 13 Jun 2012, 02:45
Hi i am new to GMATclub. I am not good at writing. can you please rate my essay and guide me how can i improve my AWA skills to get a 6.

The following appeared in the editorial section of a corporate newsletter:

“The common notion that workers are generally apathetic about management issues is false, or at least outdated: a recently published survey indicates that 79 percent of the nearly 1,200 workers who responded to survey questionnaires expressed a high level of interest in the topics of corporate restructuring and redesign of benefits programs.”

Discuss how well reasoned … etc.


Friction with Management with its staff has been prevalent over many years. There are those who debate over insufficient salary, those who assert that management is not providing them proper increments, and those who believe that management is only good at making their employees work too hard. In the preceding statement, the author claims that nowadays workers take keen interest in activities in improving the corporate policies and programmes. Though his claim may well have merit, the author presents a poorly reasoned argument, based on several premises and assumptions, and based solely on the evidence the author offers; we cannot accept his argument as valid.

The primary issue with the author’s reasoning lies in his unsubstantiated premises. He presents a survey to prove his point. As per the survey, 79 percent out of 1200 workers have desired in the topics of corporate restructuring and redesign of benefit programs. Now, a major flaw in this survey is the number of workers serving in the organization. The survey result would have been acceptable if the number of workers working in the organization was 2000. But for a large organization where the number of employees goes above 200000, the result is completely meaningless. The author’s premises, the basis for his argument, lack any legitimate evidentiary support and render his conclusion unacceptable.

In addition, the author makes several assumptions that remain unproven. He is basing his statement on only one survey. There are no silver bullets or single actions that will easily end the common behavior amongst workers. The workers feel that its management is not providing sufficient salary which they are entitled for the duties they serve. Moreover, the workers could have taken interest in those benefit programs of the company which are not related to them. The author weakens his argument by making assumptions and failing to provide explication of the links between worker and the management he assumes exist.
While the author has made a key issue against the common notion that is not to say that the entire argument is without base. He could have detailed the survey results such as training programs; Family benefits programs from the company which the employees are satisfied. He could have surveyed more companies across the world. The reason for the interest of the workers in the management issues could have been addressed. Though there are several issues with the author’s reasoning at present, with research and clarification, he could improve significantly.

In sum, the author’s illogical argument is based on unsupported premises and unsubstantiated assumptions that render his conclusion invalid. Even though the work culture has changed over the years, but then also there are some issues which has to be addressed between the employees and its management on a continuous basis. If the author truly hopes to change his readers’ mind on the issue, he would have to largely restructure his argument, fix the flaws in his logic, clearly explicate his assumptions, and provide evidentiary support. Without these things, his poorly reasoned arguments will likely convince few people.
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Re: AWA- Kindly rate my essay & guide me on improving AWA [#permalink] New post 13 Jun 2012, 04:12
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I will be honest with you. This is a very weak essay.

There are two components to a good argument essay, grammar and content.

Grammar
Your grammar is weak and needs improvement. Your essay is full of incorrect word usage, strange idioms, sentence structure etc. I know its tough for non native speakers, but I suggest you spend more time reading quality english sources (newspapers, books, websites etc). I am not an expert on AWA scoring, but even if your content is rock solid, you will not score a 6.0 with badly written english.

But I feel the real issue with your essay is the content, not the grammar.

Content
You fail to really attack the argument itself. You make a ton of few very general "this argument is weak and not supported by its premises" statements, but never really tie those back into the argument. Basically there is a lot of generic, empty statements that don't add anything to your analysis. I've annotated my specific thoughts in the attached word file. I feel like you have followed a template far too closely, and left in a lot of waffly wording that sounds good, but is meaningless.

I feel you only raise one genuine issue with the author's argument - "he is basing his statement on one survey". You state this, then do not delve into it at all! You go off on a complete tangent right after making a good point.

Your second paragraph regarding the number of workers is pretty weak. Essentially you are suggesting the survey methodology was wrong, when there is no real evidence that it was. You need to focus on the argument presented, and only bring in outside information to highlight flaws in the authors argument. You might raise an issue with the methodology as a secondary issue. I'm not saying its completely absurd to raise, but its definitely not the biggest flaw. You are better off giving some benefit of the doubt that the survey was fair and the methodology was correct.

I do not think you have fully appreciated the argument. What is the real issue with this argument? Its that the conclusion talks about management issues, but the survey talks about interest in restructuring and design of benefits.

You need to interpret "restructuring and design of benefits" as "job layoffs and job pay".

So the argument is saying that workers care about management issues, because they care about job layoffs and job pay! This is a very weak argument. Workers will always care about job layoffs and job pay because these issues directly affect them. Just because they care about these issues does not mean they care about the much broader 'management issues'.

This is the major flaw in the argument, and needs to be your first point. Your second paragraph might be some of those issues with relying on one survey, and that no information is provided on the survey methodology. I would then move into how the argument could be improved, and finish off by restating my view on the argument.
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Re: AWA- Kindly rate my essay & guide me on improving AWA [#permalink] New post 13 Jun 2012, 04:54
pike wrote:
I will be honest with you. This is a very weak essay.

There are two components to a good argument essay, grammar and content.

Grammar
Your grammar is weak and needs improvement. Your essay is full of incorrect word usage, strange idioms, sentence structure etc. I know its tough for non native speakers, but I suggest you spend more time reading quality english sources (newspapers, books, websites etc). I am not an expert on AWA scoring, but even if your content is rock solid, you will not score a 6.0 with badly written english.

But I feel the real issue with your essay is the content, not the grammar.

Content
You fail to really attack the argument itself. You make a ton of few very general "this argument is weak and not supported by its premises" statements, but never really tie those back into the argument. Basically there is a lot of generic, empty statements that don't add anything to your analysis. I've annotated my specific thoughts in the attached word file. I feel like you have followed a template far too closely, and left in a lot of waffly wording that sounds good, but is meaningless.

I feel you only raise one genuine issue with the author's argument - "he is basing his statement on one survey". You state this, then do not delve into it at all! You go off on a complete tangent right after making a good point.

Your second paragraph regarding the number of workers is pretty weak. Essentially you are suggesting the survey methodology was wrong, when there is no real evidence that it was. You need to focus on the argument presented, and only bring in outside information to highlight flaws in the authors argument. You might raise an issue with the methodology as a secondary issue. I'm not saying its completely absurd to raise, but its definitely not the biggest flaw. You are better off giving some benefit of the doubt that the survey was fair and the methodology was correct.

I do not think you have fully appreciated the argument. What is the real issue with this argument? Its that the conclusion talks about management issues, but the survey talks about interest in restructuring and design of benefits.

You need to interpret "restructuring and design of benefits" as "job layoffs and job pay".

So the argument is saying that workers care about management issues, because they care about job layoffs and job pay! This is a very weak argument. Workers will always care about job layoffs and job pay because these issues directly affect them. Just because they care about these issues does not mean they care about the much broader 'management issues'.

This is the major flaw in the argument, and needs to be your first point. Your second paragraph might be some of those issues with relying on one survey, and that no information is provided on the survey methodology. I would then move into how the argument could be improved, and finish off by restating my view on the argument.


Hi, thanks a lot for taking time and reviewing my essay in such a detailed manner. can you please rate my essay. I wont mind even if it is 0. But atleast i will know where do i stand. I agree with you that most of them are generic statements since i picked up most of the lines from Economist.

Seriously, this was the best and detailed review i have ever seen in BTG or GC.

I really appreciate your efforts.

Warm regards

Arunima
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Re: AWA- Kindly rate my essay & guide me on improving AWA [#permalink] New post 13 Jun 2012, 20:35
No problem! I don't normally look in the AWA forum!

I honestly don't know what rating you receive. The ratings are percentiles, so I would say this might be be a 4.0-4.5 (21st-37th %ile) I am guessing.

You should follow a template (how-to-get-6-0-awa-my-guide-64327.html), but it should be just a structural one. Make sure you understand the ideas you present, and explore them fully. Each paragraph should have a clear point - don't through in words and expressions if they don't add to your paragraph's point. Make sure you spend time to really understand the argument (like you should for a CR problem).

Good luck!
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Re: AWA- Kindly rate my essay & guide me on improving AWA [#permalink] New post 14 Jun 2012, 19:15
Pike

Can you please review my 2nd essay too which i had posted today..Please Please :-D :)

I am not allowed to post the urls yet.After your suggestion, i have started reading the economist magazine and 2 detailed topics each day from idebate forum.

Thanks & Regards

Arunima
Re: AWA- Kindly rate my essay & guide me on improving AWA   [#permalink] 14 Jun 2012, 19:15
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