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The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you.

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Senior Manager
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The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you. [#permalink] New post 10 Apr 2008, 11:38
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Just a fun thread to point out what your (almost) ex-employer REALLY seemed to be looking for in your position. To demonstrate this, posts should be in the form of the "help wanted" they should have created for your position.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Software Engineer

SmallCompany.com is currently seeking a talented and motivated Software Engineer to join our small development team. The Software Engineer will work directly with all areas of the business to understand their problems, issues, and concerns without actually taking meaningful action to solve them. They are also given the responsibility of implementing hard-coded and non-maintainable solutions in a number of languages and environments (hey, 1 is a number) that really don’t help strengthen or move the company forward at all. The successful candidate will be enthusiastic, self driven, willing to learn new technologies, and have a strong sense of ownership and responsibility. However we really aren’t looking for a successful candidate. Mostly we are looking for a “Yes man/Yes Woman” who will blindly implement hastily conceived plans without applying critical thought.

Essential Functions:
• Work closely with business groups to provide misleading updates that make them think we are actually making progress towards solutions to their problems
• Avoid at all costs pointing out errors in systems or processes as someone’s feelings may get hurt.
• Rapidly respond to business questions with a flurry of fluff-filled boilerplate rather than questions that will help come to an answer
• Put up with the indecipherable rambling and inability to form a point of view of the improbably obese vegan that is still a “junior engineer” despite being with the company for 6 years.
• Work over the weekend when marketing decides to make a trivial change at 5pm on a Friday and your manager hasn’t got the balls to tell them “no”
• Never under ANY circumstances point out the wasteful nature of the frequent planning/replanning/changing/pointless updates you are assigned

Qualifications:
• Ability to maintain a falsely friendly, “Mr. Rogers” “won’t you be my neighbor” style personality
• Bachelors degree in Computer Science or a third-grade reading level
• Strong communication skills; must be able to always agree that the manager is correct
• Ability to completely ignore your own excellent planning and time management skills
• Completely devoid of career ambition
• Have given up completely on your sad, sad shell of a life
• Easily Micromanaged
SmallCompany.com provides a superior compensation and benefit package: Compensation packages include a painfully small number of stock options, $0.10 cans of soda, and our comprehensive benefit program includes company-paid health insurance, short-term disability and life insurance. In addition to insurance benefits we also offer a 401(k) with comically low company match that vests over 4 years, and $60 a month added onto your paycheck that we call a “transportation allowance”.

Last edited by westsider on 10 Apr 2008, 15:58, edited 1 time in total.
CEO
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Re: The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you. [#permalink] New post 10 Apr 2008, 15:29
hahahahah kudos !!!!!! :lol:
Senior Manager
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Re: The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you. [#permalink] New post 14 Apr 2008, 12:28
Thanks! but I really want to see other folk's jobs!
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Re: The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you. [#permalink] New post 15 Apr 2008, 00:22
westsider, you've omitted from the Qualification "proficiency in F5 button-hitting and willingness to check on GMATClub forums at least six times a day" :lol: :lol: :lol:
Senior Manager
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Re: The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you. [#permalink] New post 08 May 2008, 12:06
Overheard them talking about the guy they were interviewing.

They MUST have used the above description.
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Director
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Schools: Kellogg Class of 2011
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Re: The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you. [#permalink] New post 08 May 2008, 21:02
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Small cap public company is seeking a Strategic Planning Analyst to do very little strategic planning work. The position will require very little knowledge of long-range planning or strategy development, but will require a great amount of patience in developing PowerPoint presentations. The company's long-term strategy is in the CEOs brain, so ESP skills will be helpful. A successful candidate will be motivated and goal oriented, but not too motivated and goal oriented as our culture is one where too much initiative is frowned upon. Must be willing to take maximum vaction days, since upper management is out for long periods of time playing golf. The position's direct supervisor has never really managed anyone, so the candidate must not expect much in the way of career development or direction.

Essential Functions:
• Dictating manager's notes for nth revision of PowerPoint slides
• Very little financial skills as the Finance department will handle Finance stuff
• Excel, nah, classified as Finance stuff
• Work 40 hours a week, as any more will label you a 'workaholic'
• Being seen sometimes, never heard
• Making the boss look good because without this skill he'd be up $hit's creek

Qualifications:
• Ability to maintain status quo and never rock the boat
• Bachelors degree in something
• Strong communication skills; must be able to always agree that the manager is correct
• Ability to completely ignore your own excellent planning and time management skills
• Completely devoid of career ambition
• Easily Micromanaged

Small cap public company provides excellent benefits and good starting salary. Note: Raises are less than current inflation. Paid vacation days you must take or be viewed as a 'hard worker'. In addition the company offers health coverage at Dr. Abdula's office, life insurance coverage if you don't die, and vision coverage if you have 20/20 eyesight. Stock options will not be provided as they are only for Senior Management. Please send your resumes. Serious inquires only.

Last edited by jb32 on 09 May 2008, 05:10, edited 1 time in total.
Senior Manager
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Re: The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you. [#permalink] New post 09 May 2008, 04:38
westsider +1 - hilarious thread
Senior Manager
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Re: The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you. [#permalink] New post 09 May 2008, 08:19
Niiiiice JB - It looks like our jobs have a NUMBER of overlapping skills required.. :-D
Director
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Schools: Kellogg Class of 2011
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Re: The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you. [#permalink] New post 09 May 2008, 11:19
Yeah, I stole a few of yours. Great post by the way. Very humorous!!!!

Of course my job is not all that bad...
Re: The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you.   [#permalink] 09 May 2008, 11:19
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The 'Help Wanted' ad they SHOULD write to replace you.

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