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Your kind & Objective rating opinion pls!

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Your kind & Objective rating opinion pls! [#permalink] New post 16 Sep 2011, 09:02
ESSAY QUESTION:
“People should be strictly prohibited from using their cellular phones in public places where their conversations could disturb others: on the bus, at a restaurant, or in a museum.”

From your perspective, how accurate is the above statement? Support your position with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The topic whether to prohibit people from using their cellular phones in public places has remained a controversial but very interesting issue. While some people are of the opinion that the use of cellular phones in the public doe not constitute a disturbance to others and, as such, such not be banned, others contend that such use constitutes grave disturbance and should be strictly prohibited from use at such places. For example on the bus, at a restaurant, or in a museum. The following is a discussion of my proposition that the use of cellular phone is disruptive to others for various reasons and should be prohibited from public use.

First, the user of the phone should assume that every other person has the right to make use of the phone at such place. That said, how would we feel if the environment is filled with the conversations of everyone in the place? Of course, the place will be noisy with discordant voices and uncomfortable too. Many people do not bother about the impact of what others get from what they do. In all situations, we need to take the feelings of others into consideration before embarking on whatever mission we take. Public phone usage at such place shows lack of decorum. Consequently, it will be wrong to engage in public phone calls because it constitutes a distraction to others.

Second, it has been observed that many people tend to discuss confidential information on the phone while in a public place. This is not a good habit because such attitude has the potential to divulge very crucial information to the public. Furthermore, public phone calls on many occassions involves someone telling glaring lies. They claim to be at a place where they are not there. When children listen to this sort of conversation, they tend to imbibe this bad manner. As a result, public phone calls should be prohibited.

Finally, there has been several hypothesis pointing to the fact that cellular phone usage cause electromagnetic damage to the ear drums, a fact yet scientifically proved, however. In the event that several people absorb the electromagnetic emissions, they equally could suffer from the consequencies resulting from absorbing the rays. If we must protect ourselves and others too, we need to stop the use of cellular phones in the public places. Everyone is entitled to the same fundamental human rights; so, public usage of the cellular phone infringes upon the rights of others.

In conclusion, and as supported from the discussions above, it is glaring that there is every need to strictly prohibit people from using their cellular phones in public places where their conversations could constitute a nuisance to others. People should stop such habit because it constitutes a nuisance to others, it also infringes on the rights of others. Furthermore, such usage could cause damage to others and it instils a bad habit in our children.
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Re: Your kind & Objective rating opinion pls! [#permalink] New post 28 Sep 2011, 09:30
gmatbull wrote:
ESSAY QUESTION:
“People should be strictly prohibited from using their cellular phones in public places where their conversations could disturb others: on the bus, at a restaurant, or in a museum.”

From your perspective, how accurate is the above statement? Support your position with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The topic whether to prohibit people from using their cellular phones in public places has remained a controversial but very interesting issue. While some people are of the opinion that the use of cellular phones in the public [highlight]doe[/highlight]not constitute a disturbance to others and, as such, [highlight]such not be banned[/highlight], others contend that such use constitutes grave disturbance and should be strictly prohibited from use at such places. For example on the bus, at a restaurant, or in a museum. The following is a discussion of my proposition that the use of cellular phone is disruptive to others for various reasons and should be prohibited from public use.

[highlight]First, the user of the phone should assume that every other person has the right to make use of the phone at such place. That said, how would we feel if the environment is filled with the conversations of everyone in the place? Of course, the place will be noisy with discordant voices and uncomfortable too. Many people do not bother about the impact of what others get from what they do. In all situations, we need to take the feelings of others into consideration before embarking on whatever mission we take. Public phone usage at such place shows lack of decorum. Consequently, it will be wrong to engage in public phone calls because it constitutes a distraction to others.[/highlight] Too many complicated words used..The sentences can be simpler so that sentence construction is correct, rather than focusing on using bug words..

Second, it has been observed that many people tend to discuss confidential information on the phone while in a public place. This is not a good habit because such attitude has the potential to divulge very crucial information to the public. Furthermore, public phone calls on many occassions involves someone telling glaring lies. They claim to be at a place where they are not there. When children listen to this sort of conversation, they tend to imbibe this bad manner. As a result, public phone calls should be prohibited.
[highlight]Finally, there has been several hypothesis pointing to the fact that cellular phone usage cause electromagnetic damage to the ear drums, a fact yet scientifically proved, however[/highlight]. There is no need to add however at the end of the sentence. It is usually at the start of the sentence or in the middle to show a change of argument..
In the event that several people absorb the electromagnetic emissions, they equally could suffer from the [highlight]consequencies[/highlight]resulting from absorbing the rays. If we must protect ourselves and others too, we need to stop the use of cellular phones in the public places. Everyone is entitled to the same fundamental human rights; so, public usage of the cellular phone infringes upon the rights of others.

[highlight]In conclusion, and as supported from the discussions above, it is glaring that there is every need to strictly prohibit people from using their cellular phones in public places where their conversations could constitute a nuisance to others.[/highlight] Replace glaring with another word since its the wrong usage here..

People should stop such habit because it constitutes a nuisance to others, it also infringes on the rights of others. Furthermore, such usage could cause damage to others and it instils a bad habit in our children.


Overall I would like to say good attempt. But try to read through after writing and see if sentence construction is correct. Also correct the spelling mistakes in the end. Go for simpler sentence construction. Hope this helps.
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Re: Your kind & Objective rating opinion pls! [#permalink] New post 15 Oct 2011, 14:01
Thanks a lot nrgmat for the piece of advice offered.

I could observe some silly mistakes after writing the essay. Many mistakes, including typos. However, according to some grammar books, the use of "however, nonetheless, though" etc is not restricted to the beginning or middle of sentences.

Some paragraphs are convoluted and unclear. Nevertheless, I can improve with further practice. "glaring" I suppose has the same meaning as "clear" or "obvious". Is it?

Can someone offer a better rebuttal of the proposition in the passage please..

Am just a beginner and a nonnative, who is trying to master the art of writing.

Above all, am immensely grateful for having invested the time to make the critique therein. I benefited from it.
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Re: Your kind & Objective rating opinion pls!   [#permalink] 15 Oct 2011, 14:01
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