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Intern
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Joined: 02 Jun 2017
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New post 09 Jul 2017, 05:49
Hi Guys,

Today I wrote my first full-length gmat mock test. Kindly give your feedback on my AWA attempt. Thanks in advance.

The following appeared as part of an article reviewing summer camps for children.

Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

My response:
The article reviewing summer camps for children seems to have flaws at multiple levels which leave several questions unanswered.

Firstly, there is no mention of the number of summer camps that were included in the survey in which Federville Farms was ranked first. Also, there is no mention of the sample size and sample spread. It is possible that very few of the state summer camp organizers participated in the survey or only lower ranked ones did.

Secondly, the article also does not mention that by whom was the survey conducted and was it sponsored by any organization, Federville or any of its associates, or conducted as an independent review. In case the survey was sponsored, it would lead to biased outcomes, that might be favoring the sponsors. Also, there could be other parameters on which the other summer camps might have performed better, for example, in addition to food quality, the camper would also be interested in knowing the variety of food offered.

Lastly, it mentions about having more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. This does not give the readers a clear idea about the number of lifeguards employed by Federville Farms. This difference could be highlighted more clearly by mentioning the ratio of children is to lifeguards. It might be a case that other summer camps have smaller batch sizes as compared to Federville and hence, they would require a fewer number of lifeguards. Also, there could be a case that other summer camps might not be organizing activities which would require high numbers of lifeguards.

Based on the above points, it can be said that the above article reviewing the summer camps for children is not very well reasoned as it fails to clarify these points mentioned.
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Concentration: Entrepreneurship
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New post 16 Jul 2017, 00:01
missionxxx wrote:
Hi Guys,

The following appeared as part of an article reviewing summer camps for children.

Parents, if you need a summer camp for your children look no further than Federville Farms. In a recent survey, Federville Farms ranked first in both overall camper satisfaction and in food quality, and second in the variety of outdoor activities. Federville Farms has been family owned and operated for over forty years, so you have nothing to worry about when it comes to your child's safety, and it employs more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. If you seek the best camp experience for your children, Federville Farms is the best choice you can make.


Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

My response:


Quote:
The article reviewing summer camps for children seems to have flaws at multiple levels which leave several questions unanswered.

Too short a introduction. Don't start with " it is flawed". Start with what it says. Then state your opinion. And link this to your next paragraphs. How will reader get to know what is coming next? You could say: "...several questions unanswered as stated below".


Quote:
Firstly, there is no mention of the number of summer camps that were included in the survey in which Federville Farms was ranked first. Also, there is no mention of the sample size and sample spread. It is possible that very few of the state summer camp organizers participated in the survey or only lower ranked ones did.

So? How does this help? You could add something like: "This means the survey couldn't not be trusted for its ranking...." or something along the lines.

Quote:
Secondly, the article also does not mention that by whom was the survey conducted and Was it sponsored by any organization, Federville or any of its associates, or was it conducted as an independent review. In case the survey was sponsored, it would lead to biased outcomes, that might be favoring favour the sponsors. Also, there could be other parameters on which the other summer camps might have performed better, for example, in addition to food quality, the camper would also be interested in knowing the variety of food offered.

This is continuation of "survey discussion" we have in first paragraph. So why make it second point? Doesn't make sense to devote 2 paragraphs to attack the survey and its mechanism. Rather think of other logical linkages where author might have taken leap of faiths.

Quote:
Lastly, it mentions about having more Red Cross certified lifeguards than any other camp in the state. This does not give the readers a clear idea about the number of lifeguards employed by Federville Farms. This difference could be highlighted more clearly by mentioning the ratio of children is to lifeguards. It might be a case that other summer camps have smaller batch sizes as compared to Federville and hence, they would require a fewer number of lifeguards. Also, there could be a case that other summer camps might not be organizing activities which would require high numbers of lifeguards.

Nothing on this. But if we combine first 2, then this can't be "Lastly". You need another good point here to attack the argument.

Quote:
Based on the above points, it can be said that the above article reviewing the summer camps for children is not very well reasoned as it fails to clarify these points mentioned.

Too short a conclusion. Add few points here stating the means that you think would make argument stronger.


These are my thoughts. I am not an expert though!
    - You could add more points
    - Grammar is ok, add few jargons as mentioned in chineseburned's guide to AWA

I will rate it a 4 or 4.5 and will state lack of clarity or not enough points as flaws.

the same question: https://gmatclub.com/forum/please-review-my-awa-244324.html
This have few good points which none of us look for while writing the essay.



Hope I helped! :)
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AWA feedback   [#permalink] 16 Jul 2017, 00:01
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