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Can you evaluate my TOEFL essay please

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Joined: 27 Dec 2018
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Can you evaluate my TOEFL essay please  [#permalink]

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New post 27 Dec 2018, 12:05
I wrote it in around 26 minutes. This is the first time I wrote 3 body paragraphs. I usually write 4 paragraphs (intro + 2 body + concl).
I wish you could point out my mistakes and told me how can I improve.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Attending a live performance (for example a play, concert, or sporting event) is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


With the advance in technology, people have today a world of technological distractions right at their fingertips, including smartphones, social networking websites and televised entertainment. While some people believe that watching television is more stimulating than attending a live performance, others believe that going to live performances offers an unique pleasure. In my opinion, being present at live exhibitions is more enjoyable than watching the same events on television. I feel this way for some reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

First, attending a live performance has more emotional impact. For example, last year I went to the Imagine Dragons’ concert in the US and I was extremely impressed by their music. Their songs where so powerful that my body vibrated, and I carefully listened to them in ecstasy. If I had watched the concert on television, it would have been like listening to their works on YouTube. I would not have enjoyed the musical effects conveyed by their masterpieces: the TV speakers cannot transmit emotions with the same power as live music.

Second, attending a live performance makes people interact more with one another. If I followed a sporting event watching it on television, I would not have the opportunity to talk with my friends and thus I could be bored by the event itself, even though I like it. Going to a live performance is a way to meet people from many walks of life and talk to them. For instance, last summer I went to a classical concert in Turin and I sat next to an old woman who I discovered being a famous German soprano. If I had stayed home, I would not had the chance to meet her. I am still in touch with her. Thus, going to live performances can help us building new relationships.
Third, attending a live performance is more enjoyable since there is no annoying advertisement. As many people know, televised entertainment has been more and more controlled by advertising companies. While you are enjoying your favorite soccer game, you are forced to watch advertising spots about something you are not interested in. In my opinion, advertisement makes television tedious and sometimes it has negative consequences on people. On the other hand, going to the stadium is always a funny and unforgettable experience.

All in all, in my opinion, be present at live exhibitions is better than watching the same event on television. This is because it transmits more feelings, because people communicate with one another and because there is no advertisement.
GMAT Club Bot
Can you evaluate my TOEFL essay please   [#permalink] 27 Dec 2018, 12:05
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Can you evaluate my TOEFL essay please

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