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# Concision/Redundancy 1. Although amyotrophic lateral

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Concision/Redundancy 1. Although amyotrophic lateral [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 10:40
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Concision/Redundancy

1. Although amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS, typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the
onset of symptoms, on average, the famous physicistStephen Hawking has defied the odds, in
contrast,
by living more than 40 years after his initial diagnosis.

• typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the onset of symptoms, on average, the famous
physicist Stephen Hawking has defied the odds, in contrast,
• causes death within 3 to 5 years of the onset of symptoms, on average, the famous physicist
Stephen Hawking has defied the odds, in contrast,
• typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the onset of symptoms, the famous physicist
Stephen Hawking has defied the odds
• causes death within 3 to 5 years of the average onset of symptoms, the famous physicist
Stephen Hawking has defied the odds, by contrast,
• typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the average onset of symptoms, the famous
physicist Stephen Hawking has defied the odds

2. Between 1990 and 2000, the annual precipitation in Henan, one of the main agricultural
provinces in central China, has fluctuated from 250 to470 inches per year, causing substantial
variation in the productivity of local crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the

rapid economic growth of the province could be sustained in the future.

• has fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches per year, causing substantial variation in the
productivity of local crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the
• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches per year, causing substantial variation in the productivity of
local crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the
• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches, causing substantial variation in the productivity of local
crops and making it difficult to predict whether its
• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches, causing substantial variation in the productivity of local
crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the
• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches, causing substantial variation in the productivity of local
crops and making it difficult to predict whether the

3. The process of digital remastering is the method by which analog sound recordings are
converted to digital files
, edited to remove undesirable audio artifacts introduced during analog
recording, and filtered to enhance the overall quality of the sound.

• The process of digital remastering is the method by which analog sound recordings are
converted to digital files
• The process of digital remastering is the way that analog sound recordings are converted to
digital files
• Digital remastering is the process by which analog sound recordings are converted to digital
files
• Digital remastering occurs when analog sound recordings are converted to digital files
• Digital remastering, the process by which analog sound recordings are converted to digital files

4. That every worker has a clean criminal record is of some importance to investment banks
which is why a stringent background check is a necessary prerequisite for all of their job
applicants
.

• That every worker has a clean criminal record is of some importance to investment banks
which is why a stringent background check is a necessary prerequisite for all of their job
applicants.
• Clean criminal records of their employees is important to investment banks; hence, a stringent
background check are necessary prerequisites for employment
• Because they consider it important that all of theiremployees have a clean criminal record,
investment banks require each job applicant to undergo a stringent background check
• It is of some importance that all investment banks’ workers have clean criminal records which
is why many of them undergo stringent background checks
• The reason that investment banks require background checks of their applicants is because
they require clean criminal records of their employees

5. The maternal copy of Nesp55 may encourage the miceto take more risks on behalf of the
group, whether that risk involves looking for food,finding a nest, or defending the group.

• The maternal copy of Nesp55 may encourage the mice totake more risks on behalf of the
group, whether that risk involves looking for food,finding a nest, or defending the group.
• Whether that risk involves looking for food, finding a nest, or acting in the defense of the
group, the mice may be encouraged by the maternal copy of Nesp55 to take more risks on
behalf of the group.
• The maternal copy of Nesp55 encourages mice to take more risks on behalf of the group,
whether that risk involves looking for food, finding a nest, or the defense of the group.
• Whether looking for food, finding a nest, or defending the group, the maternal copy of Nesp55
may encourage the mice to take more risks on behalfof the group when doing such activities.
• The mice may be encouraged by the maternal copy of Nesp55 to take more risks on behalf of
the group, whether that risk involves looking for food, finding a nest, or acting in the defense
of the group.

6. During the summer of 1778, seeking to find alternative explanations for the process of
evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial experiment on mollusks once in every 4
weeks but received exactly the same results 3 times in a row
.

• to find alternative explanations for the process of evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated
his initial experiment on mollusks once in every 4 weeks but received exactly the same results
3 times in a row.
• alternative explanations for the process of evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial
experiment on mollusks once in every 4 weeks but received exactly the same results in a row
3 times.
• alternative explanations for the process of evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial
experiment on mollusks every 4 weeks but received the same results 3 times in a row.
• alternative explanations for the process of evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial
experiment on mollusks every 4 weeks but received exactly the same results 3 times in a row.
• alternative explanations for the process of evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial
experiment on mollusks every 4 weeks but he receivedthe same identical results 3 times in a
row.

7. Federal government financing is an essential key in the survival of the interstate rail system.

• is an essential key in
• is an essential key for
• is essential for
• is essential in
• is essential

8. Recent studies suggest that an intake of vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet may actually increase the risk of developing certain illnesses
, despite the claims
of thousands of people who swear by it as a dietary supplement.

• Recent studies suggest that an intake of vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet may actually increase the risk of developing certain illnesses
• Recent studies suggest that taking vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a balanced
diet actually increases the risk of developing certain illnesses
• Certain illnesses may be at a higher risk of development if vitamin E is taken in excess of a
balanced diet, according to recent studies
• According to recent studies, the intake of vitamin E,if in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet, may actually increase developing certainillnesses
• Vitamin E, recent studies suggest, if in excess of that found naturally in a balanced diet, may
actually increase the development risk of certain illnesses

9. To this day, researchers and theorists debate whether bubonic plague caused The Black
Death, a pandemic that swept the world in the middle of the fourteenth century.

• whether
• whether or not
• as to whether
• if

10. The reason that certain spicy foods, such as the Habanero pepper, makes some people sweat
is because they contain a chemical that stimulates thesame nerve endings in the mouth as
does a rise in temperature
; this stimulation sometimes results in the activation of certain
biological cooling mechanisms, one of which is perspiration.

• The reason that certain spicy foods, such as the Habanero pepper, makes some people sweat
is because they contain a chemical that stimulates thesame nerve endings in the mouth as
does a rise in temperature
• The reason that certain spicy foods, such as the Habanero pepper, makes some people sweat
is that these foods contain a chemical that stimulates the same nerves in the mouth like a rise
in temperature
• Certain spicy foods, such as the Habanero pepper, make some people sweat because they
contain a chemical that stimulates the same nerves inthe mouth like a rise in temperature
does
• The reason that certain spicy foods, such as the Habanero pepper, make some people sweat is
that these foods contain a chemical that stimulates the same nerves in the mouth and on the
tongue as does a rise in temperature
• The reason that certain spicy foods, such as the Habanero pepper, make some people sweat is
because they contain a chemical that stimulates the same nerves in the mouth as does a rise
in temperature

11. Although the Argentine ant is neither poisonousn or predatory, individual colonies cooperate in
a super-colony so large that its collective appetite can become a competitive
threat to bird,
lizard, and other insect populations.

• individual colonies cooperate in a super-colony so large that its collective appetite can become
a competitive
• individual colonies cooperate in a super-colony of such size, its collective appetite can become
a competing
• individual colonies cooperate in a super-colony so large as to cause its collective appetite to
become a competitive
• such is the size of the cooperative super-colony comprising individual colonies, its collective
appetite can become a competing
• there is so much size to the individual colonies’ cooperative super-colony that its collective
appetite can become a competitive

12. In preparation for the cold winter months, it was the usual custom for prehistoric people to
gather and preserve, with smoke or by salting it, as much meat that they could during the
summer
.

• it was the usual custom for prehistoric people to gather and preserve, with smoke or by salting
it, as much meat that they could during the summer.
• prehistoric people usually gathered as much meat as they could during the summer,
preserving it either by smoking or salting
• it was the usual custom of prehistoric people to gather and preserve, either with smoke or by
salting, as much meat that they could during the summer
• prehistoric people had the usual custom of gatheringand preserving as much meat, either by
smoking or salting it, as they could during the summer
• it was usually that prehistoric people would gather and preserve as much meat as they could,
which was either smoked or salted during the summer
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 11:12
C,E,C,B,A,C,C,A,A/E,E,A/C,Not Sure
First Bold B
Clean criminal records of their employees is important to investment banks; hence, a stringent
background check are necessary prerequisites for employment
Shouldn't the are be 'is'? The statement is disconnected and talking about background check?!

second bold, i have to look in to this, if I need to use if or whether..... is there any resource on GC? Pls let me know. since there is debate I would go with if.. which is E

third bold, x effect caused y, so as needs to be used I would lean more towards C

last one not sure because I couldn't find parallelism for either or in any options; if I need to choose an answr I would go with B
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 11:22
1. Although amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS, typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the
onset of symptoms, on average, the famous physicistStephen Hawking has defied the odds, in
contrast
,
by living more than 40 years after his initial diagnosis.

2. Between 1990 and 2000, the annual precipitation in Henan, one of the main agricultural
provinces in central China, has fluctuated from 250 to470 inches per year, causing substantial
variation in the productivity of local crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the

rapid economic growth of the province could be sustained in the future.

3. The process of digital remastering is the method by which analog sound recordings are
converted to digital files
, edited to remove undesirable audio artifacts introduced during analog
recording, and filtered to enhance the overall quality of the sound.

4. That every worker has a clean criminal record is of some importance to investment banks
which is why a stringent background check is a necessary prerequisite for all of their job
applicants
.

5. The maternal copy of Nesp55 may encourage the mice to take more risks on behalf of the
group, whether that risk involves looking for food,finding a nest, or defending the group.
(may encourage--- changes the meaning)

6. During the summer of 1778,seeking to find alternative explanations for the process of
evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial experiment on mollusks once in every 4
weeks but received exactly the same results 3 times in a row

7. Federal government financing is an essential key in the survival of the interstate rail system.

8. Recent studies suggest that an intake of vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet may actually increase the risk of developing certain illnesses
, despite the claims
of thousands of people who swear by it as a dietary supplement.

9. To this day, researchers and theorists debate whether bubonic plague caused The Black
Death, a pandemic that swept the world in the middle of the fourteenth century.

• whether
whether or not
• as to whether
• if

10. The reason that certain spicy foods, such as the Habanero pepper, makes some people sweat
is because they contain a chemical that stimulates the same nerve endings in the mouth as
does a rise in temperature
; this stimulation sometimes results in the activation of certain
biological cooling mechanisms, one of which is perspiration.

11. Although the Argentine ant is neither poisonousn or predatory, individual colonies cooperate in
a super-colony so large that its collective appetite can become a competitive
threat to bird,
lizard, and other insect populations.

12. In preparation for the cold winter months, it was the usual custom for prehistoric people to
gather and preserve, with smoke or by salting it, as much meat that they could during the
summer
.

Nice thread souvik101990. All in red show redundancy or/and repetition. Will solve and post my answers in a while
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 11:32
souvik101990 wrote:

Concision/Redundancy

1. Although amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS, typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the
onset of symptoms, on average, the famous physicistStephen Hawking has defied the odds, in
contrast,
by living more than 40 years after his initial diagnosis.

• typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the onset of symptoms, on average, the famous
physicist Stephen Hawking has defied the odds, in contrast,
• causes death within 3 to 5 years of the onset of symptoms, on average, the famous physicist
Stephen Hawking has defied the odds, in contrast,
• typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the onset of symptoms, the famous physicist
Stephen Hawking has defied the odds
• causes death within 3 to 5 years of the average onset of symptoms, the famous physicist
Stephen Hawking has defied the odds, by contrast,
• typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the average onset of symptoms, the famous
physicist Stephen Hawking has defied the odds
C

2. Between 1990 and 2000, the annual precipitation in Henan, one of the main agricultural
provinces in central China, has fluctuated from 250 to470 inches per year, causing substantial
variation in the productivity of local crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the

rapid economic growth of the province could be sustained in the future.

• has fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches per year, causing substantial variation in the
productivity of local crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the
• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches per year, causing substantial variation in the productivity of
local crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the
• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches, causing substantial variation in the productivity of local
crops and making it difficult to predict whether its -------"PROVINCE" IS ALREADY MENTIONED LATER.
• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches, causing substantial variation in the productivity of local
crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the
• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches, causing substantial variation in the productivity of local
crops and making it difficult to predict whether the
e

3. The process of digital remastering is the method by which analog sound recordings are
converted to digital files
, edited to remove undesirable audio artifacts introduced during analog
recording, and filtered to enhance the overall quality of the sound.

The process of digital remastering is the method by which analog sound recordings are
converted to digital files
The process of digital remastering is the way that analog sound recordings are converted to
digital files
• Digital remastering is the process by which analog sound recordings are converted to digital
files
• Digital remastering occurs when analog sound recordings are converted to digital files
• Digital remastering, the process by which analog sound recordings are converted to digital files NOT A SENTENCE

4. That every worker has a clean criminal record is of some importance to investment banks
which is why a stringent background check is a necessary prerequisite for all of their job
applicants
.

• That every worker has a clean criminal record is of some importance to investment banks
which is why a stringent background check is a necessary prerequisite for all of their job
applicants. C SEEMS MUCH BETTER.
• Clean criminal records of their employees is important to investment banks; hence, a stringent
background check are necessary prerequisites for employment SVA
• Because they consider it important that all of theiremployees have a clean criminal record,
investment banks require each job applicant to undergo a stringent background check
It is of some importance that all investment banks’ workers have clean criminal records which
is why many of them undergo stringent background checksCHNAGES THE MEANING
• The reason that investment banks require background checks of their applicants is because
they require clean criminal records of their employees

5. The maternal copy of Nesp55 may encourage the miceto take more risks on behalf of the
group, whether that risk involves looking for food,finding a nest, or defending the group.

• The maternal copy of Nesp55 may encourage the mice totake more risks on behalf of the
group, whether that risk involves looking for food,finding a nest, or defending the group.
• Whether that risk involves looking for food, finding a nest, or acting in the defense of the
group, the mice may be encouraged by the maternal copy of Nesp55 to take more risks on
behalf of the group.PASSIVE VOICE DOESN'T ADDS ANYTHING TO THE MEANING.
• The maternal copy of Nesp55 encourages mice to take more risks on behalf of the group,
whether that risk involves looking for food, finding a nest, or the defense of the group. NO PARALLELISM
• Whether looking for food, finding a nest, or defending the group, the maternal copy of Nesp55
may encourage the mice to take more risks on behalfof the group when doing such activities.
• The mice may be encouraged by the maternal copy of Nesp55 to take more risks on behalf of
the group, whether that risk involves looking for food, finding a nest, or acting in the defense
of the group. PASSIVE IS WORDIER HERE.

6. During the summer of 1778, seeking to find alternative explanations for the process of
evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial experiment on mollusks once in every 4
weeks but received exactly the same results 3 times in a row
.

• to find alternative explanations for the process of evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated
his initial experiment on mollusks once in every 4 weeks but received exactly the same results
3 times in a row.
• alternative explanations for the process of evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial
experiment on mollusks once in every 4 weeks but received exactly the same results in a row
3 times.
• alternative explanations for the process of evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial
experiment on mollusks every 4 weeks but received the same results 3 times in a row.
• alternative explanations for the process of evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial
experiment on mollusks every 4 weeks but received exactly the same results 3 times in a row.
• alternative explanations for the process of evolution, Jean-Baptiste Lamarck repeated his initial
experiment on mollusks every 4 weeks but he receivedthe same identical results 3 times in a
row.
C

THE REST 6 ARE TO FOLLOW.
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 11:33
IMO, the answers to the questions are:
C, E, C, C, A, C, C, B, A, D, A, B
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 11:35
the above 6 are:
1C 2E 3C 4C 5A 6C.
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 12:16
1C 2E 3C 4C 5A 6C 7C 8A 9A 10D 11A 12B.
Let me know the correct ones.
Nice set Souvik.Must say, some were tough.
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 15:44
1. Although amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, or ALS, typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the
onset of symptoms, on average, the famous physicist Stephen Hawking has defied the odds, in
contrast,by living more than 40 years after his initial diagnosis.

• typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the onset of symptoms, on average, the famous
physicist Stephen Hawking has defied the odds, in contrast, --in contrast is unnecessary ans so is on average since a range of 3-5 yrs is mentioned and the word typically conveys the same idea, average is redundant. moreover we are not clear 'average' stands for average number of yrs or this take place on average in most people

• causes death within 3 to 5 years of the onset of symptoms, on average, the famous physicist
Stephen Hawking has defied the odds, in contrast, --same issues with average and in contrast

• typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the onset of symptoms, the famous physicist
Stephen Hawking has defied the odds --sent maintains structure (although ALS typically---------, the famous SH has defied the odds---------)

• causes death within 3 to 5 years of the average onset of symptoms, the famous physicist
Stephen Hawking has defied the odds, by contrast, --average onset of symptoms doesn't make sense

• typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the average onset of symptoms, the famous
physicist Stephen Hawking has defied the odds -----------again same problem 'average onset' doesn't make sense

So C
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 16:06
1
KUDOS
Between 1990 and 2000, the annual precipitation in Henan, one of the main agricultural
provinces in central China, has fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches per year, causing substantial
variation in the productivity of local crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the
rapid economic growth of the province could be sustained in the future.

• has fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches per year, causing substantial variation in the
productivity of local crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the --' per yr' redundant , 'or not' followed by whether is redundant again and when u have a yr range 1990-2000 cleary stating a thing of the past u don't need a present perfect tense has fluctuated

• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches per year, causing substantial variation in the productivity of
local crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the---' per yr' redundant , 'or not' followed by whether is redundant again

• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches, causing substantial variation in the productivity of local
crops and making it difficult to predict whether its ---its should be replaced by the for the sentence to make sense

• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches, causing substantial variation in the productivity of local
crops and making it difficult to predict whether or not the --- 'or not' followed by whether is redundant

• fluctuated from 250 to 470 inches, causing substantial variation in the productivity of local
crops and making it difficult to predict whether the ---redundancy and tense issues solved

E it is

The process of digital remastering is the method by which analog sound recordings are
converted to digital files, edited to remove undesirable audio artifacts introduced during analog
recording, and filtered to enhance the overall quality of the sound.

The process of digital remastering is the method by which analog sound recordings are
converted to digital files --using both the process and method is unnecessary

The process of digital remastering is the way that analog sound recordings are converted to
digital files --the process and the way is redundant

• Digital remastering is the process by which analog sound recordings are converted to digital
files

• Digital remastering occurs when analog sound recordings are converted to digital files --meaning change for original sent. , digital recording IS used to covert ASR to Dig. Files

• Digital remastering, the process by which analog sound recordings are converted to digital files---fragment the subject 'digital recording' has no main verb

Thus C
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 17:01
1
KUDOS
4. That every worker has a clean criminal record is of some importance to investment banks
which is why a stringent background check is a necessary prerequisite for all of their job
applicants.

• That every worker has a clean criminal record is of some importance to investment banks
which is why a stringent background check is a necessary prerequisite for all of their job
applicants.--redundant necessary prerequisite

• Clean criminal records of their employees is important to investment banks; hence, a stringent
background check are necessary prerequisites for employment ---Redundant& S-V mismatch (a background check --are
)
• Because they consider it important that all of their employees have a clean criminal record,
investment banks require each job applicant to undergo a stringent background check --seems ok

• It is of some importance that all investment banks’ workers have clean criminal records which
is why many of them undergo stringent background checks--them ambiguous refers to IBanks or workers? and 'is of some importance' slightly changes the meaning of the sentence

The reason that investment banks require background checks of their applicants is because
they require clean criminal records of their employees --the reason--because is redundant

IMO C

5. The maternal copy of Nesp55 may encourage the mice to take more risks on behalf of the
group, whether that risk involves looking for food,finding a nest, or defending the group.

• The maternal copy of Nesp55 may encourage the mice to take more risks on behalf of the
group, whether that risk involves looking for food, finding a nest, or defending the group.

• Whether that risk involves looking for food, finding a nest, or acting in the defense of the
group
, the mice may be encouraged by the maternal copy of Nesp55 to take more risks on
behalf of the group. --Acting in defense is same as defending,hence verbose and all the 3 items are not exactly parallel (looking, finding, defending is preferred) ' and passive voice is unnecessary since the main subject maternal copy of Nesp55 is of importance here.

• The maternal copy of Nesp55 encourages mice to take more risks on behalf of the group,
whether that risk involves looking for food, finding a nest, or the defense of the group.--parallelism issue --2 gerunds (looking, finding) cannot be made parallel to a action noun (defense)

• Whether looking for food, finding a nest, or defending the group, the maternal copy of Nesp55
may encourage the mice to take more risks on behalf of the group when doing such activities--redundant.

• The mice may be encouraged by the maternal copy of Nesp55 to take more risks on behalf of
the group, whether that risk involves looking for food, finding a nest, or acting in the defense
of the group.
-------acting in defense is same as defending,hence verbose and all the 3 items are not exactly parallel (looking, finding, defending is preferred) ' and passive voice is unnecessary

So it goes back to A
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 21:19
Marcab wrote:
1C 2E 3C 4C 5A 6C 7C 8A 9A 10D 11A 12B.
Let me know the correct ones.
Nice set Souvik.Must say, some were tough.

Hi marcab,

I feel that, in q8, the pronoun 'that' does not correctly refer to 'vitamin E' since the subject is 'intake of vitamin E'.
Moreover, doesn't the use of 'suggest", "may" and "actually" sound redundant?
I might be wrong here..

thanks!
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 21:47
Quote:
8. Recent studies suggest that an intake of vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet may actually increase the risk of developing certain illnesses,
despite the claims
of thousands of people who swear by it as a dietary supplement.

• Recent studies suggest that an intake of vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet may actually increase the risk of developing certain illnesses
• Recent studies suggest that taking vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a balanced
diet actually increases the risk of developing certain illnesses
• Certain illnesses may be at a higher risk of development if vitamin E is taken in excess of a
balanced diet, according to recent studies
• According to recent studies, the intake of vitamin E,if in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet, may actually increase developing certainillnesses
• Vitamin E, recent studies suggest, if in excess of that found naturally in a balanced diet, may
actually increase the development risk of certain illnesses

Hii.
You should not term the occurence of "may actually" as a case of redundancy.
The word "may" notifies us the probability of something about to happen, whereas "actually" DOES NOT notifies us the probability of something about to happen. Here "actually" plays a rather different role; it implies that despite the negative situations, X actually does Y and the probability of this happening is given by "may".

Moreover the other issue with B is that it changes the meaning by using the word "increases" rather than "increase", implying that it does HAPPENS.
I hope you getting my point.
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 21:52
Marcab wrote:
Quote:
8.
Hii.
You should not term the occurence of "may actually" as a case of redundancy.
The word "may" notifies us the probability of something about to happen, whereas "actually" DOES NOT notifies us the probability of something about to happen. Here "actually" plays a rather different role; it implies that despite the negative situations, X actually does Y and the probability of this happening is given by "may".

Moreover the other issue with B is that it changes the meaning by using the word "increases" rather than "increase", implying that it does HAPPENS.
I hope you getting my point.

I get your point. My point is that the word 'suggest' makes it clear that it is not a claim.
Anyway.. what about the use of "that"?
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 21:58
Quote:
Recent studies suggest that an intake of vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet may actually increase the risk of developing certain illnesses, despite the claims
of thousands of people who swear by it as a dietary supplement.

• Recent studies suggest that an intake of vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet
may actually increase the risk of developing certain illnesses
• Recent studies suggest that taking vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a balanced
diet actually increases the risk of developing certain illnesses
• Certain illnesses may be at a higher risk of development if vitamin E is taken in excess of a
balanced diet, according to recent studies
• According to recent studies, the intake of vitamin E,if in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet, may actually increase developing certainillnesses
• Vitamin E, recent studies suggest, if in excess of that found naturally in a balanced diet, may
actually increase the development risk of certain illnesses

Regarding your "that" query, I have highlighted the text. Please note that after "intake" there is a prepositional phrase.
Everything in "green" is referring to "vitamin E" not to "intake of Vitamin E".

Moreover if you feel that it should be rather "intake of vitamin E", replace that with "intake of vitamin E".

Recent studies suggest that an intake of vitamin E in excess of intake of vitamin E found naturally in a
balanced diet may actually increase the risk of developing certain illnesses, despite the claims of thousands of people who swear by it as a dietary supplement.

Ask yourself, is it the "intake of vitamin E" that is found naturally in a balanced diet or is it the "vitamin E" itself?
Hope that helps.
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 22:10
2
KUDOS
Expert's post

Concision SET OE

Concision
1.
The original sentence contains two instances of redundant wording. First, we have
"typically causes death within 3 to 5 years of the onset of symptoms, on average..."
"Typically" and "on average" are both supplying thesame information and are,
therefore, redundant. In addition, the word "although" at the beginning of the
sentence indicates that a contrast will appear later in the sentence. In the second
half, we also have "in contrast," which supplies the same information as "although."
Again, this is redundant.

•(A) This choice is incorrect as it repeats the original sentence.

•(B) This choice removes "typically," thereby eliminating the first redundancy
problem with "typically" and "on average." However, the sentence retains "in
contrast." Since "although" is not underlined and cannot be removed from the
sentence, "in contrast" must be removed in order to eliminate the redundancy.

•(C) CORRECT. This choice removes "on average," thereby eliminating the
first redundancy problem with "typically" and "on average." This choice also
removes "in contrast," thereby eliminating the second redundancy problem
with "although and "in contrast."

•(D) This choice removes "typically," thereby eliminating the first redundancy
problem with "typically" and "on average." The new placement of "average,"
however, incorrectly alters the meaning of the sentence, implying that sufferers
will die within 3 to 5 years of the worldwide average onset, rather than within 3
to 5 years of the onset of their own disease. In addition, we still have the
second redundancy problem ("although" and "by contrast") and a new problem
is created by the use of "by contrast." In this us age, "in contrast" is the correct
idiom.

•(E) This choice removes "in contrast," thereby eliminating the second
redundancy problem with "although and "in contrast." However, "typically" and
"average" are both still present in the sentence and are, therefore, still
redundant. In addition, the new placement of "average" incorrectly alters the
meaning of the sentence, implying that sufferers will die within 3 to 5 years of
the worldwide average onset, rather than within 3 to 5 years of the onset of
their own disease.

2.
The original sentence incorrectly uses the present perfect “has fluctuated” rather than
the simple past “fluctuated” to describe a completed action that occurred in the past.
Furthermore, the use of “annual amount” and “per year” is repetitive and wordy.
Finally, the original sentence uses the redundant construction “whether or not” rather
than the more concise “whether.”
•(A) This choice is incorrect as it repeats the original sentence.
•(B) In this answer choice, the use of “annual amount” and “per year” is
repetitive and wordy. Also, this answer choice uses the redundant
construction “whether or not” rather than the more concise “whether.”
•(C) The use of the possessive pronoun “its” is redundant in the phrase “its
rapid economic growth” because the non-underlined “of the province” that
follows already indicates that the “rapid economic growth” belongs to the
province.
•(D) This answer choice uses the redundant construction “whether or not”
rather than the more concise “whether.”
•(E) CORRECT. This answer choice correctly uses the simple past “fluctuated”
to describe a completed action that occurred in the past. Furthermore, this
answer avoids the use of “per year,” a construction that is redundant after an
earlier reference to “the annual amount of precipitation.” Finally, this answer
choice replaces the wordy and unidiomatic phrase “whether or not” with the
more concise “whether.”

3.
In the original sentence, the use of both “the process” and “the method” creates an
unnecessary repetition. Both refer to the same digital remastering procedure; only
one reference to this procedure is needed.
(A) This choice is incorrect as it repeats the original sentence.
(B) The use of both “the process” and “the way” creates an unnecessary repetition.
Both refer to the same digital remastering procedure; only one reference to this
procedure is needed.
(C) CORRECT. This choice uses only one reference to the digital remastering
procedure: “the process.” Also, “process by which” is concise and idiomatically sound.
(D) “Digital remastering occurs when…” changes the meaning of the sentence. This
phrasing implies that digital remastering occurs as a result of the converting, editing,
and filtering of the analog sound recordings. However, the intended meaning is that
the process of digital remastering is the converting, editing, and filtering of these
recordings.
(E) The subject “digital remastering” lacks a main verb, resulting in an incomplete
sentence. The subject is modified by “the process by which analog sound recordings
are converted…and filtered to enhance the overall quality of the sound,” but this non-essential modifier cannot substitute for a main action.

4.
The sentence has several errors of concision. First, the structure “X is of …
importance which is why Y is a … prerequisite” is awkward and wordy, and can be
more concisely written as follows: “Because [X is …important], [Y is … necessary].”
Second, both “some importance” and “necessary prerequisite” are redundant: if
something is “important” it has "some importance"; similarly, a “prerequisite” is by
definition “necessary.”
(A) This choice is incorrect as it repeats the original sentence.
(B) The singular verb “is” does not agree with the plural subject “records.” In addition,
the plural verb "are" does not agree with the singular subject "background check."
Finally, the phrase “necessary prerequisite” is redundant.
(C) CORRECT. The redundant and passive clause “X is of significant importance to
investment banks” is replaced by the more concise and active clause “they
[investment banks] consider X important.” In addition, the redundant and passive
clause “a background check is a necessary prerequisite [of investment banks]” is
replaced by the more concise and active “investment banks require background
checks.” Finally, the entire sentence is rewritten in the concise form “Because X, Y.”
(D) The phrase “some importance” is redundant and wordy. In addition, the meaning
of the sentence has been changed to state that “many” of the employees underwent a
background check; the original sentence asserted that the background check was
required, and, therefore, was submitted to by all.
(E) The structure “the reason X is because Y” is redundant. The proper idiom is either
“the reason X is Y” or “Y is because X.” In addition, it is not clear whether the
pronouns “they” and “their” refer to “investment banks” or “applicants.”

5.
The original is correct and clear, and the parallel structure of “looking. . .finding. .
.defending” is concise.
(A) CORRECT.
•(B) This choice has an awkward and wordy construction. “Acting in the defense
of the group” is wordier than “defending the group”without making the
meaning clearer. It also makes the choice less parallel: “looking. . .finding. .
.acting in the defense.” Furthermore, the passive construction “may be
encouraged by,” is unnecessarily wordy. Finally, the ending phrase "on behalf
of the group" is unnecessary.
•(C) This choice changes the meaning. “Encourages” implies a certainty that
“may encourage” does not. Also, "looking. . .finding. . .the defense" is less
parallel than “looking. . .finding. . .defending.”
•(D) This choice is wordy and lacks clarity. Beginning with the long dependent
clause "whether looking for food, finding a nest, or defending the group,..."
detracts from the clarity. Also, the ending phrase “when doing such activities”
is wordy and unnecessary.
•(E) This choice uses the wordier passive construction “may be encouraged”
instead of the active construction "may encourage."This choice uses the less
concise “acting in the defense of the group” instead of “defending the group.”
This change also makes the choice less parallel: “looking. . .finding. . .acting in
the defense.”

6.
The original sentence suffers from three redundancies. First, the verb “to find” is
redundant of “seeking.” Second, the phrase “once in every 4 weeks” is wordy and can
be replaced with the more concise form “every 4 weeks” without any loss of content.
Finally, the construction “exactly the same” is repetitive, since the word “the same”
already implies exact equivalence.
•(A) This answer choice is incorrect as it repeats the original sentence
(B) In this answer choice, the phrase “once in every 4 weeks” is wordy and can
be replaced with the more concise form “every 4 weeks” without any loss of
content. Moreover, the construction “exactly the same” is repetitive, since the
word “the same” already implies exact equivalence. "In a row 3 times" is
awkward.
(C) CORRECT. This answer choice corrects all of theoriginal redundancies,
thus creating a concise and idiomatic sentence. Specifically, the repetitive
construction “seeking to find alternative explanations” is reduced to the simpler
form “seeking alternative explanations.” Further, the redundant phrase “once in
every 4 weeks” is replaced with the more concise construction “every 4
weeks.” Finally, the wordy phrase “exactly the same” is replaced with the more
concise construction “the same.”
(D) In this answer choice, the construction “exactly the same” is repetitive,
since the word “the same” already implies exact equivalence.
(E) This answer choice corrects the original problems but introduces the
redundant pronoun “he” in the second part of the sentence, thus unnecessarily
repeating the original subject “Jean-Baptiste Lamarck.” Furthermore, the
construction “the same identical results” is redundant; the adjective “identical”
can be omitted without any loss of content.

7.
Essential for not essential in
The original sentence contains the redundant phrase"essential key" where
"essential" would suffice. In addition, the phrase "essential . . . in the survival" is
unidiomatic. The proper idiom is "essential for thesurvival."
(A) This choice is incorrect as it repeats the original sentence.
(B) This choice correctly uses the idiom "essential. . .for the survival." However, the
phrase "essential key" is redundant; something "key" is by definition "essential".
(C) CORRECT.This choice replaces the redundant phrase "an essential key" with the
more concise "is essential." In addition, the idiom"essential . . .for the survival"
replaces the unidiomatic "essential . . . in the survival."
(D) This choice replaces the redundant phrase "an essential key" with the more
concise "is essential." However, it uses the unidiomatic "essential in the survival"
instead of the idiomatic "essential for the survival."
(E) This choice replaces the redundant phrase "an essential key" with the more
concise "is essential." However, the phrase "is essential the survival" is nonsensical
without a connecting preposition between "essential" and "the survival."

8. The original sentence is clear, and is phrased in the most economical way.
(A) CORRECT.This choice is correct as it repeats the original sentence.
(B) The phrase “actually increases” has a stronger meaning than the author
- 87 -
intended - that high vitamin E consumption “may actually increase” certain
risks.
(C) The phrasing of “certain illnesses may be at a higher risk” is awkward and
has an unintended meaning. It is not the illnesses that are at higher risk, but
rather people who consume too much vitamin E. In addition, the placement of
the modifying phrase “according to recent studies” is awkward, seemingly
referring to a “balanced diet” when it should be modifying vitamin E intake.
Finally, “if vitamin E is taken in excess of a balanced diet” should read “if
vitamin E is taken in excess of that (vitamin E) found naturally ina balanced
diet.”
(D) “The intake of vitamin E…may actually increase developing certain
illnesses” is awkward and has an unintended meaning. It would be more
accurate to state that excess intake of vitamin E may increase the risk of
developing certain illnesses. Even if this choice had the correct meaning, the
choice of words would still have been faulty: it should read “increase the
development of certain illnesses” not “increase developing certain illnesses.”
(E) “Vitamin E…may actually increase the development risk of certain
illnesses” is awkward and has an unintended meaning. It would be more
accurate to state that excess intake of vitamin E may actually increase the risk.
Additionally, “the development risk of certain illnesses” is misleading; it should
be “the risk of (a person) developing certain illnesses.”

9.
"Whether" is the most concise way to indicate that researchers and theorists are
debating between alternative causes of the pandemic.
(A) CORRECT.This sentence is correct as written for the reason stated above.
(B) "Whether or not" is redundant; "whether" by itself indicates the full meaning.
(C) "About whether" is both redundant and awkward.
(D) "As to whether" is both redundant and awkward.
(E) "If" is used to indicate a condition or a future possibility, but this sentence is not
indicating either of these things. "Whether," which introduces a choice or an
alternative, is the correct usage.
- 88 -
10.
There are three errors in the sentence. First, the plural subject “foods” does not agree
with the singular verb “makes.” Second, the pronoun“they” has an ambiguous
referent: it could refer either to “foods” or “people.” Third, “the reason X is because Y”
is redundant.
(A) This choice is incorrect as it repeats the original sentence.
(B) The plural subject “foods” does not agree with the singular verb “makes.” In
addition, it is not clear to what “a rise in temperature” is being compared; a clearer
and more logical comparison is “a chemical that stimulates… as doesa rise in
temperature.”
(C) The pronoun “they” has an ambiguous referent: it could refer either to “foods” or
“people.”
In addition, the clause “a rise in temperature does” should be introduced by
“as” rather than “like,” which, in this context, should be used to introduce a
noun. The correct forms of the idiom are “X behaves like Y,” “X behaves as Y
does”, or “X behaves as does Y.”
(D) CORRECT.The choice corrects all three errors in the original sentence. The
plural "foods" agrees with the plural "make." The ambiguous "they" is replaced by
"these foods," and the redundant construction “the reason X is because Y” is gone.
(E) The pronoun “they” has an ambiguous referent: it could refer either to “foods” or
“people.” In addition, the clause “the reason X is because Y” is redundant. The
correct forms of the idiom are “X is because Y” and“the reason X is Y.”

11.
This sentence correctly uses the idiomatic construction “so x that y” where y is a
subordinate clause that explains or describes x: “so large that its collective
appetite…” The possessive pronoun “its” clearly refers to the “super-colony,” which is
correctly modified by the adjective “large.”
(A) CORRECT.The original sentence is correct as written.
(B) The use of the noun “size” instead of the adjective “large” results in a more
awkward and wordy alternative to the original sentence. The subordinate clause “its
collective appetite…” should be introduced by “that.” Additionally, “competing” does
not have the same meaning as “competitive.”
(C) The construction “so x as to y,” presented here as “so large as to cause…” is not
a correct idiom.
(D) The construction “such is the size of the cooperative super-colony comprising
individual colonies” is an awkward and wordy alternative to the original “individual
colonies cooperate in a super-colony so large.” The subordinate clause “its collective
appetite…” should be introduced by “that.” Additionally, “competing” does not have
the same meaning as “competitive.”
(E) The construction “there is so much size to the individual colonies’ cooperative
super-colony” is an awkward and wordy alternative to the original “individual colonies
cooperate in a super-colony so large.”

12.
The original sentence contains multiple errors. First, the opening modifier, "In
preparation for the cold winter months," needs to be followed by the noun it is
modifying. Second, "it was" is wordy and unnecessary. Third, "usual custom" is
redundant. Fourth, "it" occurs before its antecedent, which is awkward. Finally, "as
much meat that" is the incorrect idiom; it should be "as much meat as."
(A) This choice is incorrect as it repeats the original sentence.
(B) CORRECT.This answer corrects all five errors in the original sentence.
(C) This choice repeats all of the original errors,with the exception of the "it" pronoun
error.
(D) This choice repeats the "usual custom" redundancy error.
(E) This choice repeats the first two errors and also introduces two new errors. First,
"usually" should be "usual." Second, "which" introduces a noun modifier that must
touch the noun it modifies, but this modifier is not next to the word "meat."
Punctuation
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 22:57
11/12 correct.
not convinced with q8 though..
anyway.
marcab! good job man - 12/12!!
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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21 Dec 2012, 23:02
What do you feel is wrong with q-8?
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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22 Dec 2012, 01:13
Marcab wrote:
What do you feel is wrong with q-8?

• Recent studies suggest that an intake of vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet may actually increase the risk of developing certain illnesses

• Recent studies suggest that taking vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a balanced
diet actually increases the risk of developing certain illnesses

I think that option A does have a pronoun error.
"that" refers to "intake of vitamin E". It cannot refer to "vitamin E" because "vitamin E" is a part of a prepositional phrase.
If you replace "that" with "intake of vitamin E", the sentence does not make sense.

But then pronoun error should not be the first line of defense while eliminating an answer choice.

I think the meaning of the sentence does change after eliminating "may" in option B.
You have rightly pointed that out.

So yes, B indeed is the right answer for Q8.
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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22 Dec 2012, 01:59
kaushinside wrote:
Marcab wrote:
What do you feel is wrong with q-8?

• Recent studies suggest that an intake of vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a
balanced diet may actually increase the risk of developing certain illnesses

• Recent studies suggest that taking vitamin E in excess of that found naturally in a balanced
diet actually increases the risk of developing certain illnesses

I think that option A does have a pronoun error.
"that" refers to "intake of vitamin E". It cannot refer to "vitamin E" because "vitamin E" is a part of a prepositional phrase.
If you replace "that" with "intake of vitamin E", the sentence does not make sense
.

But then pronoun error should not be the first line of defense while eliminating an answer choice.

I think the meaning of the sentence does change after eliminating "may" in option B.
You have rightly pointed that out.

So yes, B indeed is the right answer for Q8.

I had thought about the same (highlighted portion) and was caught up b/w A and B but chose A because B drops the word 'may' .

You may refer to the link below where this has been previously discussed . It seems The real reason B is wrong is because there is a parallelism problem. In A "intake" is parallel with "that", but in B "taking" is not parallel with "that"..

http://www.manhattangmat.com/forums/sc- ... t5860.html
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Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800) [#permalink]

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22 Dec 2012, 21:11
can someone explain Q11 between a and c..... I agree a is smooth but I am confused between usage of "that" and "as"..... What context is "as" used?

Also for the last question the answer is better of all but it also deviates from parallelism, right? shouldn't it be either by smoking or by salting....
Re: Concision/Redundancy (700-800)   [#permalink] 22 Dec 2012, 21:11

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