Repetitive and lengthy language
Grammar: Pronoun, S V Agreement, Fragment
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Coming to your essay:
The argument's logic is ill-convincing.The argument clearly assert that the sole reason increase in sales of the Furniture Depot is that using of internet advertising. Further, the author states that sales of Furniture Depot increased by 10% ,therefore one who implements internet services(advertising) can increase profitability. The author's reasoning has two problems.
* It is better to introduce the argument first and then judge. State what is the argument is trying to prove, then say the argument is unconvincing for x, y, z reasons.
* Avoid repetitive words(as you would do in GMAT SC).
Assert = State Confidently or Clearly, so no need of "Clearly asserts".
* Avoid "that... that..." construction. Too many "that" clauses hinder the flow. Your statement can be rephrased:-
"The argument asserts that internet advertising is the sole reason for increase in sales of the furniture Depot". The more direct, the better.
* Other minor glitches - missing comma after therefore, missing singular in assert, missing "for" after reason - can be worked upon.
The argument assumes that there may be no other fact, other than internet advertising that boosts the the sales of the company.There may be many facts,which can boost the sales. For example, the price of the best-selling company's product could be adjusted ,which, in turn boosted the sale further , or the company produced a new product ,which,in turn boosted sales further,....etc . It's too extreme to mention that the ad resulted Furniture Depot's sales to rise. I do believe that the flaw in the assumption does not support or proof of the main argument.
* Repeat: no other = other than
* First and Second sentence can be rephrased to a single simple sentence
* From second sentence: can boost.. in turn boosted,, in turn boosted. Repetition, Tense Change.
* Last sentence: " the flaw" should be "this flaw". doesn't support or prove the main argument : is the correct construction. Moreover, a flaw never supports an argument. This statement is unnecessary. You can say "This flaw undermines the credibility of the argument".
The second logical flaw of the argument is that the conclusion of the argument predicts that its internet services can increase profitability of companies . However, the profitability has never been mentioned in the premises . The premises only mentions that sales of Furniture Depot increased by 10%. Then the conclusion predicts that the internet service can increase a company's profitability. This is not logically convincing. Although sale and profit are related, they are different concepts. Profit is basically equal to revenue(in this case sales) minus costs. There is no information provided in the paragraph about the company's costs. The company's cost may be increased by 10%, then the total profit may not be increased. Therefore, one cannot assert that the increased sales can lead the increased profit in the company.
* There was no "First" , so "Second" should not be used.
* Repeat: flaw of the argument is that.... conclusion of the argument predicts that.
* Fragment: Then the conclusion...
* Last but one sentence: Missing "If" clause, "then the total profit .."
* Last sentence: should be "increase in sales can lead to increase in profit"
Hence , I believe that the argument is seriously flawed and it can be more well reasoned and convincing if it considers all of the above mentioned assumptions and present some examples in real life implementations.
* What assumptions are we talking about here ?
Your overall structure should be:
1st Para: Introduce the argument and indicate weakness
2nd Para: Underlying assumptions that can be challenged
3nd Para: Flaw in the logic i.e. Faulty relationship between Premises and conclusion
4th Para: Suggestions to strengthen the argument
5th Para: Conclusion. 2-3 Sentences, summing up whatever is already described.
If you are slow in typing, you can club 4 and 5.
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