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Get Your AWA Reviewed & Graded by an Expert

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New post 08 Oct 2019, 12:42
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Get Your AWA Reviewed & Graded by an Expert - GRADED AWA:

Hi all, We have a great new opportunity for GMAT Club Members!

Are you worried about your AWA? If you are - we are now offering an option to have your AWA essay reviewed by an Expert and provide you with feedback for just $10!


Students who want to submit an AWA to be graded can purchase a review in our store, and then post the AWA here in this thread! The legend daagh will grade the AWA and provide feedback to help students understand areas where they can improve. The finished product (the edited/marked up version) will be posted below the original version, with a score attached to it, so the student, and future students, can learn from past mistakes. This is a learning environment, so please do not feel embarrassed to post an AWA. Non-experts will have any and all comments deleted.

Steps To Get A Graded AWA:

1. Pay for an AWA Review
2. Post a Link to your AWA in this topic
3. daagh will grade it and let you know when it is done (we are hoping for a quick turnaround)

Please post a link to your AWA here to be reviewed.

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New post 10 Oct 2019, 11:17
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Please provide feedback on my practice AWA below. My exam is in 2 days! daagh

The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life:
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.


The argument claims that corporations should consider the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Stated in this way, the argument reveals examples of leap of faith and poor reasoning. Further, the argument fails to mention several key factors on the basis of which it could be evaluated. The argument relies on assumptions for which there is no evidence. Hence, the argument is unconvincing and has several flaws.

First, the argument readily assumes that Helios would be a good location for new business since it has a lower than average unemployment rate even in the recent recession. This statement is a stretch and there is no further information to illustrate why this mean Helios is an ideal location. In fact, in can be reasoned that the opposite may be true. If unemployment in Helios is low, then there may not be enough people seeking employment to fill the jobs that a new business would bring. The corporation then may have a difficult time in acquiring the needed talent.

Second, the argument claims that the historic opportunities for manufacturing jobs is high in Helios. This is again a very weak and unsupported claim as there is no correlation shown between opportunities that existed in the past, and what the future of manufacturing industry in Helios holds. Furthermore, this is the first time manufacturing is being discussed, and there is no reason to think that the corporations looking for new business are even part of the manufacturing industry. The argument would be strengthened if it had explained the correlation to the manufacturing industry.

Finally, the argument also mentions that Helios is focusing on research and development of innovative technologies. Once again, this shows no relevance to the needs of the corporations. If the argument had provided reasons to show why this statement is important, then the argument may have been more convincing. As presented, the argument sounds like more of a wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence to support the claim.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the above-mentioned reasons, and is therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably strengthened if it had included all the relevant facts. In order to assess the merits of a certain situation, one must have full knowledge of all relevant information. In this case, the argument is missing necessary information to evaluate the claim. Without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.
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New post 10 Oct 2019, 23:12
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daagh, please provide review of my AWA -
QUES) The following appeared in an Avia Airlines departmental memorandum:
“On average, 9 out of every 1,000 passengers who traveled on Avia Airlines last year filed
a complaint about our baggage-handling procedures. This means that although some 1
percent of our passengers were unhappy with those procedures, the overwhelming
majority were quite satisfied with them; thus it would appear that a review of the
procedures is not important to our goal of maintaining or increasing the number of Avia’s
passengers.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.
ANS) The argument concludes that, a review of the airline’s baggage-handling procedures will not further its goal of maintaining or increasing the number of Avia’s passengers. This conclusion is based on certain assumptions for which no reasoning has been provided. Hence, the argument is weak and has several flaws.
Firstly, the argument falsely assumes that, 1 percent of passengers who travelled on Avia Airlines are the complete set of customers who were dissatisfied about the Airlines baggage-handling procedure. However, the author provides no evidence to support this assumption. This makes the argument far-fetched since, there exists a possibility that the other 99 percent could’ve been displeased with the baggage-handling procedure, but never report it. In order to build a stronger argument, the author could’ve provided evidence pointing towards the 99 percent of customers being satisfied with the service.
Secondly, the author fails to mention how grieve the 1 percent complaints are, with respect to the company and its competitors. For instance, if its competitor has 100 percent satisfaction rate, the customers might switch to another airline. Moreover, the author merely mentions the rate of complaints for the whole of last year but fails to shed light on several other key factors. For instance, how many total passengers were served and how many total flights. This information is of key importance since, it is possible that Avia received as many as 4 or 5 complaints per flight. The argument could’ve been stronger, had the above mentioned ambiguous statistics had been provided.
Lastly, the author falsely assumes that, there exists a high positive correlation between their primary goal of maintaining or increasing the number of Avia’s passengers and the satisfaction with the baggage-handling procedures. There could be various other various that might affect the consumers preference towards Avian. For instance, a price conscious consumer might be looking for a cheaper flights, a vegan customer might consider the quality of meal to be primary importance so on and so forth. This argument could’ve been built stronger had the author conducted a market research and provided relevant data pointing towards its target audiences priorities.
In conclusion, in order to assess the merits of the situation provided, one must be provided with accurate data about all factors related to it. Had the author conducted a market research and cited evidence for its claims , the argument would have been stronger.
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New post Updated on: 11 Oct 2019, 05:33
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Gary123,
Below is the review of your first essay.

The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life:
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.


The argument claims that corporations should consider the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Stated in this way, the argument reveals examples (**) of leap of faith and poor reasoning. Further, the argument fails to mention several key factors based on which it could be evaluated. (V) The argument relies on assumptions for which there is no evidence. Hence, the argument is unconvincing and has several flaws.

First, the argument readily assumes that Helios would be a good location for new business since it has a lower than average unemployment rate even in the recent recession. This statement is a stretch and there is no further information to illustrate why this mean(S-V) Helios is an ideal location. In fact, in can be reasoned (V) (Sp) that the opposite may be true. If unemployment in Helios is low, then there may not be enough people seeking employment to fill the jobs that a new business would bring. The corporation then may have a difficult time in acquiring the needed talent.

Second, the argument claims that the historic opportunities for manufacturing jobs is (S-V) high in Helios. This is again a very weak and unsupported claim as there is no correlation shown between opportunities that existed in the past, and what the future of the manufacturing industry in Helios holds. Furthermore, this is the first time manufacturing is being discussed, and there is no reason to think that the corporations looking for new business are even part of the manufacturing industry. The argument would be strengthened (V) if it had explained the correlation to the manufacturing industry.

Finally, the argument also mentions that Helios is focusing on research and development of innovative technologies. Once again, this shows no relevance to the needs of the corporations. If the argument had provided reasons to show why this statement is important, then the argument may have been more convincing. As presented, the argument sounds like more of wishful thinking rather than substantive evidence to support the claim.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the above-mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing (V) It could be considerably strengthened if it had included all the relevant facts. In order to assess the merits of a certain situation, one must have full knowledge of all relevant information. In this case, the argument is missing the necessary information to evaluate the claim. Without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate

1. Grammar check:
1. To illustrate why this mean - mean is the wrong verb. It should be 'means'.
2. Opportunities for manufacturing jobs is --- opportunities are.
3. Typo/ Sp: In fact, in can be reasoned that-- 'in' should be "it'
4. (**) - leap of faith and poor reasoning--should be a leap of faith and poor reasoning.

These may be small mistakes for us. However, in Test Prep circles, these are considered serious. You may well lose points if you commit more than three errors. For your kind information, the other basic errors are the verb-tense forms, pronoun number gender, and person agreements
The use of avoidable passive voice- You could avoid passive voice and resort to active voice, as in
It could be evaluated - One can evaluate
In fact, in can be reasoned that. - In fact, one can reason that
The argument would be strengthened -- The author can strengthen the argument
The argument is flawed for the above-mentioned reasons, and is therefore unconvincing -- The above-mentioned reasons flaw the argument and therefore, do not convince the audience.

Observations --- 1. The content and construction are good. Without the grammar mistakes and the avoidable passive voice issues, you may get a six rating. However, with those drawbacks, your final rating maybe 5.5.

However, I feel I would fail if I do not point out something in your essay. You have written it in a copybook style, hundreds of which, the examiners are likely to see every day. There is more of plain criticism than positive or constructive criticism, leave alone, creative appreciation. This is a problem these days. One should consciously get away from this stereotype.
In this case, I would see the point on R&D as a chance to make a positive point. The futuristic industries such as Artificial Intelligence, alternate energy development, and genomics are set to rule the world for the next few decades or even the century. By consciously inviting corporations from such industries, the City has rightly focused on prioritizing its agenda.

Such an appreciation after initial criticism will strike the examiner and enhance your standing and thereby your rating.
It might help to impress the Universities, which read your essay for whatever reason because they can now see you as one who can spot and innovate.

The takeaway: Of course, this may be too late for you now since you hardly have two days more, however. Therefore, carry on your with your style but be sure to correct your grammar mistakes and spelling mistakes, then be aware of the way you can use active voice over passive voice.
Best wishes.

Pl. pardon in mix up of names. I think this essay ls Gary's
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Originally posted by daagh on 11 Oct 2019, 03:13.
Last edited by nightblade354 on 11 Oct 2019, 05:33, edited 3 times in total.
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New post 11 Oct 2019, 05:26
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breatheanddoit - here is the review

QUES) The following appeared in an Avia Airlines departmental memorandum:

“On average, 9 out of every 1,000 passengers who traveled on Avia Airlines last year filed
a complaint about our baggage-handling procedures. This means that although some 1
percent of our passengers were unhappy with those procedures, the overwhelming
majority were quite satisfied with them; thus it would appear that a review of the
procedures is not important to our goal of maintaining or increasing the number of Avia’s
passengers.”
Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.




ANS) The argument concludes that, a review of the airline’s baggage-handling procedures will not further its goal of maintaining or increasing the number of Avia’s passengers. This conclusion is based on certain assumptions for which no reasoning has been provided. Hence, the argument is weak and has several flaws.

Firstly, the argument falsely assumes that, 1 percent of passengers who travelled on Avia Airlines are the complete set of customers who were dissatisfied about the Airlines baggage-handling procedure. However, the author provides no evidence to support this assumption. This makes the argument far-fetched since, there exists a possibility that the other 99 percent could’ve been displeased with the baggage-handling procedure, but never report it. In order to build a stronger argument, the author could’ve provided evidence pointing towards the 99 percent of customers being satisfied with the service.

Secondly, the author fails to mention how grieve the 1 percent complaints are, with respect to the company and its competitors. For instance, if its competitor has 100 ( say a 100) percent satisfaction rate, the customers might switch to another airline. Moreover, the author merely mentions the rate of complaints for the whole of last year but fails to shed light on several other key factors. For instance, how many total passengers were served and how many total flights. This information is of key importance since, it is possible that Avia received as many as 4 or 5 complaints per flight. The argument could’ve been stronger, had the above mentioned ambiguous statistics had been provided.

Lastly, the author falsely assumes that, there exists a high positive correlation between their primary goal of maintaining or increasing the number of Avia’s passengers and the satisfaction with the baggage-handling procedures. There could be various other various that might affect the consumers(put an apostrophe as consumers'") preference towards Avian. For instance, a priceconscious( hyphenate as price-conscicus) consumer might be looking for a cheaper flights, ( a cheaper flight) a vegan customer might consider the quality of meal to be primary importance so on and so forth. This argument could’ve been built stronger had the author conducted a market research and provided relevant data pointing towards its target audiences( put an apostrophe as audiences') priorities, (add here) he could have built the argument stronger.

In conclusion, in order to assess the merits of the situation provided, one must be provided with accurate data about all factors related to it. Had the author conducted a market research and cited evidence for its claims, the argument would have been stronger.


1. that, ---there is no need to put a comma after that. --- Grammar error.-Gr

2. say the company's goals rather than simply 'its'. 'Its' may be mistaken for the argument's or the review's goals -- Gr

3. is based-- is passive. make it as ' The author has based the conclusion on certain assumptions and has failed to provide any reasoning --- style error(style)
4. who travelled on Avia Airlines are the complete set of customers who ---Remove this part and read with the rest.-- wordiness

You can also use the American spelling 'traveled"

5. assumes that, --no need for a comma after that. -- Gr

6. since, --- no need for a comma after since - Gr

7. procedure - no need for a comma before but since there is no clause after the 'fanboys' -Gr

8. could have been and never report. Since the whole report is about a particular year's past happening, we must use past tense as in 'were displeased' and 'reported - G

9. could’ve been displeased-- abbreviations -- style

10. could've --- abbreviations --style

11. Customers being -- being is wrong as it is modifying customers -- make it as 'customers who were'-- Gr

12. grieve - say grievous -Gr


13. one must be provided is a passive voice; say the author must provide.-style

14. Lastly the author falsely assumes-- You are repeating this phrase ---style

15. could be various other various--- various other various is a typo I suppose. Probably you meant various other variables --- Gr

16. Had the author conducted a market research --This is a repetition. ---style

17. the argument would have been stronger ---say the author would have strengthened the argument immensely. -- Passive - style
18. -- A market research ---A noun like 'research' is not countable A market research is not correct. simply say market research.---Gr.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

General observations ---.

1. The construction and content are generally okay.
2. There is a tendency to use abbreviations often. This is 100% wrong in written language.
3. Please avoid passive voice when you can use an active voice.
4. In complex sentences, one should avoid using a comma before the start of the subordinate clause, if you place it at the end because there is no IC after the comma. If, however, the main clause falls at the end, one must use a comma before it because you are going to start an IC after the comma.
5. Avoid verbal repetitions of expressions. They instantly reveal a striking lack of variety.
6. practice writing the essay on a word-pad or a note pad. ( general suggestion)

Rating---5

Best wishes
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New post 23 Oct 2019, 00:51
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Hi daagh, please give me your feedback!

The following appeared as part of an annual report sent to stockholders by Olympic Foods, a processor of frozen foods:

“Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in 1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its 25th birthday, we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits.” Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.

The paragraph talks about the efficiency progression in which processing tasks becomes easier over time resulting in more efficient and less expensive.The author has given an example of printing during the period of 1970-1984. This example is meant to support the idea of the paragraph as well as the argument that follows it. In relation to food industry specifically, It mentioned that the company named, “Olympic Foods” has a long history in food processing and it argues that its history is the leading reason that will ensure its success in minimizing costs and maximizing profits.

Firstly, the argument here is about how the experience of Olympic Foods is an ensuring main factor of their future success in processing foods. Yet, the industry for processed foods is largely popular in our modern time, it doesn’t mean the Olympic Foods can be certain of their efficiency alone. The market is very large and filled with many competitors taking part of the processed food industry. I cannot expect that Olympic Foods will be able to minimize costs and maximize profits just because of their experience due to market shares and companies who might have been in the market longer than Olympic Foods. There are many ways of minimizing costs and maximizing profits, and it’s not guaranteed that only Olympic Foods will do them as the main purpose of a successful business is to minimize costs and maximize profits.

Secondly, the 25th birthday of Olympic Foods doesn’t seem too much of an outstanding issue. It’s true that it’s a long time, but not enough to say that that’s alone can be a factor in taking the business to more profits in the future. I think the author has failed to address that there is much more that goes into the success of a business. Though, experience is important, but it’s not everything and doesn’t equal success directly. I believe another factor that is even more important than experience and essential for any business at any time is its adaptability. A business that can adapt to the market needs and consumers’ opinions will be much more successful than just a food “processing experienced” company. For example, frozen foods at the supermarkets has been long known that its main idea is to serve those who don’t have time or have a very busy lifestyle and schedule. Although, that’s a fact, many experienced processing food companies have neglected the fact that more people are being aware of animals and their rights which led new companies to enter the market with vegetarian options, along with vegan options later on.

In conclusion, I think the argument given is weak and has many flaws. Business and large markets such as the food industry, specifically as processed food is not an easy market without the understanding of social needs and lifestyles. To think about this argument from a different perspective, two questions must be answered. First, is Olympic Foods aware of all external threats such as other companies trying to do the same strategy and even take over some market shares. Second, Is Olympic Foods willing to spend large sums of money on R&D to understand the societal needs? Upon the answer of these questions, I believe the argument can be strengthened.
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New post 23 Oct 2019, 06:12
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hualsalam
Please find the review of your essay in the attachment
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New post 01 Nov 2019, 08:52
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Hi daagh, please review my essay:

Question:

The following appeared as part of a column in a popular entertainment magazine.

The producers of the forthcoming movie 3003 will be most likely to maximize their profits if they are willing to pay Robin Good several million dollars to star in it - even though that amount is far more than any other person involved with the movie will make. After all, Robin has in the past been paid a similar amount to work in several films that were very financially successful.

My Essay:

The argument claims that the producers of the forthcoming movie 3003 will be most likely to maximize their profits if they pay Robin Good several million dollars to star in the movie. The author of this argument has come to this conclusion based on the fact that Robin Good was paid a similar amount for earlier films, which have been financially successful. Stated this way, this argument is weak and unconvincing.

First, the argument assumes that casting Robin Hood in the forthcoming movie will make the movie financially succeed. By assuming this the argument fails to consider the various factors that contributed to the success of his earlier films. The other films, for example, could have a better script, action sequence, or comedy, anything that the like of family audience and kids would love to watch. It can be a reason that Robin Hood acts natural when it comes to action movies but nothing was mentioned about the forthcoming movie ‘3003’, which can strengthen the claim that paying Robin Hood several million dollars can maximize the producers profits.

In addition, the argument also states that the amount to be paid to Robin Good is far more money than any other person involved with the movie will make. This means that the budget of the movie will increase by several million dollars atleast if the producers decide to cast the actor. This will have definitely impact the profits as the movie should perform way better than say if the actor is not cast in it. The argument does not consider other expenses associated with casting a big actor. An actor of such a stature would require a private dressing room and a private caravan to rest. So the producers will end up spending more than the actor’s pay.

Finally, the argument concludes that producers are more likely to maximize the profits if they cast Robin Good. The argument fails to mention if the actor will have the lead role or a supporting role. People go to theatres to watch their favourite actor on the big screen. If their favourite actor only stars in a movie for few minutes, then not all people will watch the movie at a theatre as compared to when their favourite start is in the lead role. By missing this information, it is difficult to validate the conclusion that spending millions of dollars on Robin Good will actually maximize the profits for the producers.

In conclusion, this argument fails to compare the previous financially successful films with the forthcoming film by ignoring the various other factors that contributes to a film’s success. The argument could be strengthened if all the author mentions relevant information about the forthcoming movie.
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New post 02 Nov 2019, 12:02
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Hi,
PFA a review of your essay. Please take care to note the suggestions.

best wishes

daagh
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New post 02 Nov 2019, 22:12
Thanks daagh , those are some valuable inputs. I will follow through up with that.

daagh wrote:
anbk
Hi,
PFA a review of your essay. Please take care to note the suggestions.

best wishes

daagh

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New post 06 Nov 2019, 00:25
It is written in the proper pattern it should have. So, We highly appreciate that you did such good work.
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New post 09 Nov 2019, 14:35
Hi,
I am writing my GMAT exam in the next 2 days, so it would be really grateful if you could provide me with feedback on how I could improve my essay further.

Read the statement and the instructions that follow it, and then make any notes that will help you plan your response. Begin typing your response at the bottom of the screen. You have 30 minutes in which to complete the essay.


People who wear eyeglasses often need stronger prescriptions over time. For example, a woman in her 40s began wearing glasses on the advice of an optometrist and, in just one year, required stronger lenses. Furthermore, eyeglass and contact lens users report more eye-related problems than do those who wear neither. Given that a typical eyeglass wearer buys expensive new glasses every two to three years, people considering corrective lenses should instead invest in an eye-strengthening program, which could save them thousands of dollars over their lifetimes.


Discuss how well-reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion, be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

Essay:
---------------------------------------------------------

The argument mentioned above that the people should invest on eye-strengthening program instead of corrective lenses is seriously flawed. The argument omits some concerns that must be addressed to substantiate the argument. There are a few key assumptions made in the argument. The argument must consider other important factors as well without which the argument would be solely based on assumptions instead of facts.

Firstly, the argument is based on the generalization that the people who wear eyeglasses need stronger prescriptions over time and they invest a lot in corrective lenses. The example mentioned in the argument is about a woman in her 40's. Hence considering this example would make the argument flawed as the people wearing eyeglasses can be of different ages and gender. Age can be a very crucial factor on which the prescriptions could depend. A person who is at a higher age might require stronger lenses quicker than a person who is much younger.

Secondly, the argument states that eyeglass and contact lens users report more eye-related problems, but the argument fails to support the claim with the factual figures. It is quite possible that the people wearing eyeglasses report the eye-related problems more than the people who do not wear eyeglasses. The advantages and the dis-advantages of the eye-strengthening program must also be clearly mentioned. The argument must be able to answer the questions such as "How frequent would the user face an eye-related problem after the eye-strengthening program?" or "What is the lifespan of the eye-strengthening program?".

The argument just mentions a general statement that the eye-strengthening program would save thousands of dollars over lifetimes. But it fails to mention the cost required to maintain the eye after the program. The frequency for follow-ups is also crucial in understanding which case is better. Along with the above-mentioned points, the argument also fails to mention the side-effects caused by the eye-strengthening program and the age group for which this program is suitable.

Since the argument leaves out several key aspects, it is not sound or persuasive. If the argument included the points discussed above instead of solely basing the argument on the fact that it is better to invest in an eye-strengthening program than in corrective- lenses, the argument would have been more thorough and convincing.

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Moreover, It would be really helpful if you could let me know where this essay stands on a scale from 1 to 6.
Thanks :)
GMAT Club Bot
Re: Get Your AWA Reviewed & Graded by an Expert   [#permalink] 09 Nov 2019, 14:35
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