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Joined: 29 Jan 2017
Posts: 30

Kudos [?]: 10 [0], given: 40

Location: Germany
Concentration: Strategy, Leadership
GMAT 1: 780 Q51 V47
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How would you rate this essay? [#permalink]

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New post 19 Mar 2017, 10:52
Hi, I just finished a practice test and this is my essay. Can you please estimate the grade and give some feedback on how I can improve? Specifically, I am wondering about the language, grammar and orthography because English is my second language.
Thank you very much in advance and Kudos to you!

The following appeared in the opinion section of a national newsmagazine:

“To reverse the deterioration of the postal service, the government should raise the price of postage stamps. This solution will no doubt prove effective, since the price increase will generate larger revenues and will also reduce the volume of mail, thereby eliminating the strain on the existing system and contributing to improved morale.”



The argument states that the government should raise the price of postal stamps to reverse the deterioration of the postal service. The price increase will lead to larger revenues and reduced mail volume, which should eliminate the strain of the existing system and improve the morale. This argument relies on poor assumptions and leaves many questions open.

First, the deterioration of the postal service is stated as a fact without any evidence or explanation of the nature of the deterioration. Without any evidence or examples of the deterioration, the reader cannot be convinced that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Furthermore, the reader is forced to speculate on the origin of the deterioration. Maybe the postal service is deteriorating because there is too much mail? Or is there not enough mail for the large infrastructure? Or is the aging workforce a challenge for the service? Without knowing in what way the postal service is deteriorating it is impossible to argue for an effective solution. The argument should give an explanation of the nature of the deteriation and evidence for that.

Second, the argument postulates that the price increase for postal stamps will increase revenue while reducing the volume of mail at the same time. This statement is defeating its own conclusion. It needs to be considered that the revenue of the postal service is the product of the stamp price and the mail volume. If the price increase leads to a reduced mail volume there is no guarantee for an increased revenue. For instance, the price increase could lead many corporations that are currently using mail for their correspondence to switch to cheaper communication methods such as e-mail. In order to be convincing, the argument must go into detail on how the raised price will lead to an increase in revenue.

Third, the argument makes the assumption that the increased revenues and reduced mail volume will contribute to improved morale. This assumption is outragous and a stretch. Larger revenues do not benefit the workers in any way directly as their pay is independent of revenue and stays fixed. Also, the assumption that the reduced mail volume will lead to improved morale is far fetched. Having less work does not necessarily increase a person's morale. For instance, there are many employees who are working at the postal service for many years. They see meaning in bringing mail and packages reliably to peoples doorstep. Reducing the mail volume will reduce the positive effect the employees have on the world and therefore may actually decrease their morale. The argument should state how exactly the morale will be improved before the conclusion can be accepted.

In summary, the argument is weak and suffering from multiple flaws. Questions are left unanswered, the logic is flawed and far fetched assumptions are made. These flaws should be amended to make the argument more convincing.

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New post 19 Mar 2017, 11:10
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Whereas is true that the very first sentence of your essay should be a restatement of the prompt. However, would be much better adding a bit of paraphrasing, just to show your language and vocabulary skills.

Quote:
To reverse the deterioration of the postal service, the government should raise the price of postage stamps. This solution will no doubt prove effective, since the price increase will generate larger revenues and will also reduce the volume of mail, thereby eliminating the strain on the existing system and contributing to improved morale.”


your

Quote:
The argument states that the government should raise the price of postal stamps to reverse the deterioration of the postal service. The price increase will lead to larger revenues and reduced mail volume, which should eliminate the strain of the existing system and improve the morale. This argument relies on poor assumptions and leaves many questions open


this is not properly or strictly a restatement

Much better this one

The government, taking in to account a possible solution to overturn the decadence of the postal service, should introduce the stamp's price increase. As a consequence, the earnings and the following mail volume should be reversed in the opposite direction: the first one up and the second one down, respectively.

However, there are several assumptions that may not necessarily apply to this argument. For example blah blah blah......


For the rest, your essay is good but monotonous: an example

Quote:
Second, the argument postulates that the price increase for postal stamps will increase revenue while reducing the volume of mail at the same time


Changing also this to make more fluent the whole composition.....

Hope this helps

Look at here, it is not completed yet but almost.

https://gmatclub.com/forum/gmatclub-gui ... l#p1822293
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Kudos [?]: 9504 [1], given: 1203

How would you rate this essay?   [#permalink] 19 Mar 2017, 11:10
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