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Inoculation AWA Feedback

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Intern
Joined: 29 Jul 2019
Posts: 20
Location: United States (NJ)
GMAT 1: 750 Q49 V44
GPA: 3.51
Inoculation AWA Feedback  [#permalink]

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03 Aug 2019, 18:40
Hello, I'd like some feedback on an AWA essay I wrote. The prompt is from the Kaplan GMAT 2017 book. Thanks!

Prompt

The following appeared in a memo from a staff member of a local health care clinic. "

Many lives might be saved if inoculations against cow flu were routinely administered to all people in areas where the disease is detected. However, since there is a small possibility that a person will die as a result of the inoculations, we cannot permit inoculations against cow flu to be routinely administered."

Essay

In his memo, the staff member asserts that the vaccine against cow flu should not be administered in a widespread fashion due to the possibility of death as a result of administration of the vaccine. The staff member additionally acknowledges that inoculation against cow flu has the potential to save many lives. However, the staff member's assertion lacks key evidence which severely undermines the argument.

First, the memo does not describe the relative risks of death from either cow flu or the inoculation against it. If, for example, the risk of death from vaccination is hundreds of times smaller than the risk of death from cow flu itself, it may be a pragmatic tradeoff to administer the inoculation routinely. Without this evidence, the staff member may be supporting a more deadly plan of action by not inoculating against cow flu routinely. The memo also does not describe the incidence of other, non-fatal, side effects of both cow flu and the inoculation against it, which is important to properly assess the risks of inoculation.

Furthermore, the staff member does not consider the values and beliefs of his broader community. While the chance of death may exist, many individuals - informed of the risks - may still choose to receive the inoculation. They may be social workers, doctors, parents, pregnant mothers, teachers, or other people that come in contact with those with weaker immune systems, like the elderly or children. The staff member's memo does not account for these values.

Separately, additional reasons to not vaccinate broadly may exist and could be presented. For example, widespread inoculation may cause the cow flu to mutate and make the existing vaccines less effective or ineffective. Additionally, the health clinic may not have a large enough stock of vaccines to inoculate everyone in areas where cow flu is detected.

In conclusion, the staff member needs to provide more evidence to support his argument. Primarily, information about the relative risks of harm from the inoculations and from cow flu itself should be presented. The staff member should also consider other factors such as the values of the community and the stock of vaccines available to the clinic. Without this evidence, the argument is unconvincing.
Manager
Joined: 23 Apr 2019
Posts: 138
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03 Aug 2019, 20:32
Overall good approach, but consider how cohesive is the essay.

The third paragraph on "values" could use better explanations. It is kind of disjointed.

Also, the fourth paragraph ("Separately...") Looks oddly out of place. It just doesn't fit in with the lines of discussion in the previous two paragraphs.

If you are making sudden changes in discussion, think about whether it would be helpful to alert the reader beforehand.

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Intern
Joined: 29 Jul 2019
Posts: 20
Location: United States (NJ)
GMAT 1: 750 Q49 V44
GPA: 3.51
Re: Inoculation AWA Feedback  [#permalink]

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03 Aug 2019, 20:36
Thanks for the feedback.

In the fourth paragraph, I was trying to convey that there may exist evidence that would strengthen the argument, not only evidence which weakened it. I couldn't think of a good transition, although 'conversely' now comes to mind. Thoughts?
Senior Manager
Joined: 05 Mar 2017
Posts: 253
Location: India
Concentration: General Management, Marketing
Schools: LBS '22, ISB '20, IE '22
GPA: 3.6
WE: Marketing (Entertainment and Sports)
Re: Inoculation AWA Feedback  [#permalink]

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04 Aug 2019, 08:39
Hey, Nice essay, I would suggest you read by Chinese Burned essay format so add more pillars to your essay.
Thanks
Re: Inoculation AWA Feedback   [#permalink] 04 Aug 2019, 08:39
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