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Joined: 31 Oct 2012
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Location: Korea, Republic of
GPA: 3.9
WE:Education (Education)
Re: please rate my essay ASAP
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Updated on: 02 Nov 2012, 17:21
I did a word count in MS WORD and it came out at 297 words. That's ALMOST long enough, however because your essay lacks organization it seems too short. Try practicing a four paragraph structure (introduction, body 1, body 2, conclusion).
The question asks "how does this increase in the availability of information influence life in today's word?" You need to create a clear answer to that question and you need to put it at the very beginning of your introduction. Your answer should not be "Yes, it has influenced life and let me tell you some ways." Something like "the increase in information has made it easier for people to become educated" is more specific and therefore better. Use the body paragraphs to provide examples of your main point.
And finally: as you probably already know, you need to develop your grammar. Practice, practice, practice. Until you have mastered English grammar (or come close), avoid writing extremely long sentences. They will only make your writing unclear. Stick to shorter, easier-to-understand (and easier to write) sentences. For example, this sentence is way too long and thus hard to follow:
"The widespread use of internet and computer made it so simple to reach information as it facilitates the communication between all kinds of people, and as information became available now it can affect our life in different aspects in our studies and researches, as a doctor can use another doctor’s information about a specific disease and learn from what the other doctor has reached which will help him in his job and at the end of the day the doctor and the patient benefit from this information availability."
I hope these comments help a bit!
Originally posted by
watchsmart on 31 Oct 2012, 08:35.
Last edited by
watchsmart on 02 Nov 2012, 17:21, edited 1 time in total.