Re: Read my essay? PLS maybe some tips? Kudo for reward
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23 Jul 2013, 12:10
What do you feel when you are applying for college? Probably, you will think about the great chances you will get, new people you can meet and, most importantly, the many things you will learn. Yet, for many of us this is only a dream they have to wake up from. And the only reason why this happens is ---- money. That is why I strongly advocate the idea that university education is free to all interested scholars. First of all, it is safer not to start a paragraph with a question. Make it into a statement which combines the first two sentences (ideas). Also it is never good to use words such as "only" which does not show flexibility. Clearly, anyone can counter your "only-statement" by proving simple examples such as, "some students cannot go to universities because they have low grades." Change it to "One of the reasons why this happens is: money." In addition, the structure and voice of your thesis statement is weak; change it to something like "Therefore, university fees should be free." Make it clear and concise. ]
To begin with, students coming from poor families wouldn’t get equal opportunities. As not all potential students have the financial means to pay for their secondary education, those students, whose families do have enough money, could receive higher education, although they might have only been accepted because another student, who had also applied but could not afford the tuition, had given up his spot. As equality is one of the major themes in western countries, it is essential that every student gets equal chances. It would not be fair if not the ones with the best scores but rather the ones with more money get a spot in a university. Note: in formal writing, do NOT use abbreviations such as "wouldn't." Spell out the entire phrase: "would not." The second sentence is not only a run-on sentence but is extremely confusing and has multiple grammatical errors. Keep in mind that in general, a single sentence should only have one idea in it. Also, you have grossly oversimplified the idea of "equality" being a major theme in Western countries. You have not proven this! I feel like you have an interesting point to make but you have not done it in an effective way. Try not to generalize too much; stick on things that are either not controversial or can actually be proven in timed conditions where you have little to no resources.
In addition to the matter of inequality, valuable talents in form of students with great potential could be wasted. Students that are very intelligent and ambitious, but can’t afford the tuition fees, would have to give up their dreams of learning more and making the most out of their lives. However, what if one of these unfortunate persons is the one who had the potential of finding a cure for AIDS and another one capable of developing a new sustainable source of energy? These people could change the world for a better, if given the chance. On the other hand students from rich families are less likely to be motivated and ambitious as they got in university easily. Such student might prefer partying instead of studying and never really take advantage of the many resources universities offer. Not only would talents be wasted but also valuable facilities built for nothing. It is not right that each person’s life is determined by what family they are born into instead of what they do. Again, check your grammar. Grammatical inaccuracies distracts the reader from your main point. Third sentence: should not be "However" because it is still supporting the previous sentences. WRONG: you have not explained or proven how students from rich families "easily" get into universities, and have not considered the fact that even rich people work hard to get into universities. It is very controversial to say that rich people = party (because of lack of motivation). Need to work on that unless you find a reliable scientific source which proves this is true.
Finally, the gap between rich and poor would be significantly widened. As richer students receive better education, they get better paid jobs resulting in the rise of their fortunes, whereas, the poor don’t get the chance to rise up the ladder. Due to their insufficient education, they stay in the social class they have been born into. Thus, the rich become richer and the poor stay poor. Poverty and social unrest would be created, a future we don’t want our grandchildren to live. I think you make an interesting point here; though do not forget that you should not be making extreme generalizations. Try using phrases such as "In this case," "In the case of," "Highly possible" and words such as "probably," "perhaps," and "might," to show how you are not overstating your argument.
All these consequences could be prevented, if education, namely higher education, would be provided free of charge to everyone. It would be the key to a better future, one where everyone gets an equal chance, one where talents are further developed and one where society is in great harmony. For all these reasons, I believe that university education should be free.
General feedback: Work on your grammar. Although the content will be largely assessed compared to your grammar, grammatical errors WILL distract the audience. Most importantly, while your central argument and all of your topic sentences (first sentence in each body paragraph) are fairly strong and clear, the supporting ideas are either generalized too much or are overstated. You really need to work on that. Also, as a general rule of thumb, you should always use the last sentences of every body paragraph to connect the entire paragraph back to the thesis. This shows the examiner that you are on-topic.
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