walletless wrote:
--- AWA ---
Analysis of Argument:
Question stem: The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine on lifestyles.
"Two years ago, City L was listed 14th in an annual survey that ranks cities according to the quality of life that can be enjoyed by those living in them. This information will enable people who are moving to the state in which City L is located to confidently identify one place, at least, where schools are good, housing is affordable, people are friendly, the environment is safe, and the arts flourish."
Answer:
The author of fails to substantiate his argument that people living in City L will find a place with good schools, affordable housing, friendly people, safe environment, and flourishing arts. The author makes several critical assumptions based on the annual survey done two years ago. The most important assumptions are the validity of survey two years ago, the meaning of quality of life, missing information on the number of cities surveyed, and the scientific nature of the survey.
Excellent opening statement. You take a position early on, identify the key elements you will discuss, and prepare the reader for the logical transition to the next paragraph.
Quote:
First and foremost, the survey was taken two years ago. Many things may have changed in two years - for example, city L may have had more industries that pollute the environment. Being from a big city, I have realised that to maintain good quality of living, the citizens of the city need to be proactive, and the government need to support legislations that can make the city better. For instance, Mumbai, a city in west of India was a flourishing city few years ago. However, due to better quality of living, lots of people from other rural areas migrated to Mumbai. The immigrants made the roads dirty, the housing prices increased, and the quality of living decreased.
I'm not a huge fan of starting sentences with "First"... or any variation thereof, but thats just me. There are a few grammar errors here, minor stuff, I wouldnt worry too much about. Some of the sentences do get wordy -- "For instance, .... a CITY in the west of India was a CITY.... " Better phrase: "As recently as a few years ago, Mumbai, a city in the west of india was flourishing"...
I like the paragraph, but careful using personal examples in these - the very things you critique about his argument you use as well. For example, you state that he doesnt define "quality of living" - neither do you, yet you use it as an example to strengthen your argument. Whoops!
As a general rule, I try and avoid using personal experiences in this essay - rather I expand briefly. You did this - you just took it one step further and brought in your personal experiences.
"First and foremost, the survey was taken two years ago. Many things may have changed in two years - for example, city L may have had more industries that pollute the environment. "
The above was fine. You could also have just written more about this and then closed the paragraph with a statement about what the author has failed to do. Although it's implicit in your argument, you don't actually come out and say WHAT the author could have done or should have done to strengthen or mitigate the concern.
"First and foremost, the survey was taken two years ago. Many things may have changed in two years - for example, city L may have had more industries that pollute the environment. Alternatively, the population of city L may have dramatically increased raising demand for housing and in turn, reducing its relative affordability. The author does not provide the reader with a clear understanding of whether or not this has changed, as such, the reader is unable to adequately assess wether the survey's data remains sufficiently applicable to the current day"
The basic structure I like to think of is this:
Open the paragraph with your point (you did)
Explain an alternate scenario that conflicts with the author's arugment ( you did)
Close with what the author could do to address this concern (this you did
not do)
Quote:
Additionally, the author does not mention the parameters considered by the survey adminstrators to determine quality of living. "Quality of living" is a very subjective term - it may mean different things to different people. For instance, I equate quality of living to higher wages, faster transportation, and sophisticated health infrastucture. The author makes the assumption that a higher quality of living equates to better education, affordable housing, friendly people, safe environment, and flourishing arts, but does not mention these criteria as part of the survey.
Good argument, clearly a point you had to make, but again, you don't really tell me what the author could have done.... You only need one sentence to close this "The author could mitigate these concerns by more accurately defining his understanding of "quality of living". Closing sentences like this help bring the argument full circle --- The author does not X, here is why thats a problem, and here is how to fix X.
That being said, its a nice clean cut paragraph. Good job.
Quote:
In addition to the above two points, the author fails to mention how many cities were included in the survey. City L may be ranked 14th, but if the survey only included 15 cities, that is not considered good. The absence of this information weakens his argument considerably, making his conclusion invalid.
And here you do all three... you identify what the author fails to do, explain why thats important, and then state that "the absence of this information..." (which clearly indicates what the author needed to do). Good job. Two minor edits here. "In addition to the above two points" ... why not just say "In addition ...." (the reader will know you mean in addition to what you've already said). Also, I know this is a problem of time pressure, but "that is not considered good" is kinda iffy washy. How about "included 15 cities, then the limited sample size of the survey renders it somewhat useless"..
Quote:
Finally, the author fails to mention the scientific nature of the survey. He does how many people were surveyed, what kind of demographic and occupational background these people had, and what questions were posed to the panelists to arrive at the result. For example, if the survey consisted of high-income residents of City L, the survey results will certainly be flawed in favor of City L, since these people have the means to afford better education and house.
Few grammar errors... Seems like you are mising the word "not" in there somewhere. But overall, a good paragraph. I'd venture you need only add a closing sentence... "This information could have been provided through additional statistical or anecdotal evidence." And you know I have to pick on starting a sentence with "Finally, ..."
Quote:
Due to the aforementioned reasons, the argument made by the author, claiming City L to have a better quality of living, is incomplete and unreasonable. The assumptions and missing information explained above make the conclusion invalid.
Strong solid close. Try an avoid referencing the arguments in a spatial fashion (i.e. "In addition to the two points made above..." the information explained above..." ) - just say "The assumptions and missing information make the conclusion invalid."
Overall, this is a good strong essay. Couple of minor grammatical errors - the only major thing missing from this essay are direct sentences that state WHAT the author could have done to strengthen his argument. You don't have to put these in each paragraph, you can put them in your conclusion (most people recommend this so that when you get to your conclusion you have something to say rather than just state that the argument is flawed again). I do them in the paragraphs because otherwise I'll forget something, but the choice is yours. If you forget to do this on the real exam, just throw in a final sentence...
"The author could strenghten his argument by presenting additional statistical evidence showing X, or by citing anecdotal evidence in support of Y."
I did that on my second exam because I ran out of time, and still got a 6.0.
Overall, great job.
Quote:
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Analysis of issue:
Question Stem:
"The presence of a competitor is always beneficial to a company. Competition forces a company to change itself in ways that improve its practices."
Answer:
The issue that competition is better for a company is a very significant one, and has been an important topic of discussion recently. While analyzing the issue, the critics of this issue say that competition is unhealthy for a companies growth, since it increases their marketing expenses. However, there are several reasons why competition may be good for a company. The most critical reasons that make competition beneficial for a company include better products, lower prices, ethical practices, and customer focus. I will discuss these reasons below.
A little wordy... "While analyzing the issue, .... the critis of this issue..." Loose the spatial references again. "I will discuss these reasons below." Overall, I think the opening is a bit wordy - some grammar issues, but you've got all the major elements here - an opening, two positions, and a suggestion of which stance you will take. Segue to second paragraph seems logical. It's a good opening paragraph.
Quote:
First, competition forces a company to invest in research and development, and deliver innovative products to the consumers. If the competetor is offering a product with better features, the company will have to differentiate their product to gain more customers and higher market share. For instance, in light of increased competition from Japanese car manufacturers, particularly Toyota and Honda, American car manufacturers like Ford and GM delivered innovative product features like automated air bag deployment, seat belt warning, etc. GM also made it easier for low income families to afford cars by offering them affordable financing and low payment installments. This increased the profits of GM, and benifited them enourmously.
Did you make this stuff up? If so, good job. If not, you must like cars. Avoid "etc" ... just list the two or three items you can think of. The connection between how "automated air bag deployment" and the competition from Japan benefited GM is a little weak because you suddenly add in something about affordable financing. The connection could have been stronger...That very last step -- tying the competition to GM profits, is what seems a little weak, but otherwise, its great.
Quote:
In addition, to gain higher market share, the companies have to diversify and target different income groups. This causes several companies to deliver affordable and economic products for middle and low income families. With lower prices, more people can afford products, which causes higher sales, thereby increasing profits. One important example that proves this argument is that of Dell computers. In order to beat Gateway and Compaq computers, Dell computers reduced their costs by producing more computers simultaneously, thereby giving them economies of scale, and delivering high quality desktop and laptop computers to individuals at affordable prices.
Nice. I'd argue with you that reducing price does not necessarily increase profits, depends on price elasticity, but we can save that for during our MBAs.
Quote:
In addition to the above reasons, competition faces other companies to remain ethical, creating a "checks and balances" phenomenon among companies. If the a company does not mention the truth about its product, the competing company will deface it and convey the truth to the consumers, thereby increasing its loyalty and image. For example, Microsoft corporation bundled several products with its operating system, which limited the options consumers had when using their operating system. Competing companies like Sun Microsystems filed an anti-trust lawsuit against Microsoft Corporation, forcing them to provide more options to the consumers. Today, Sun Microsystem's product, Java programming language, enjoys a sizeable market share in comparision to Microsoft. Certainly, competition worked in favour for Sun Microsystems.
Forces, not faces.
Its a bit wordy, but you get your point across - definetly some typos here. Be careful with this, write less, proofread more. You dont need 1000 words to get a good score. One of my essays was probably 4 short paragraphs - I couldn't think of a !(@#!(@ thing to write, but I still pulled a 6.0 on that exam too. Quality not quantity.
Quote:
In conclusion, the argument that competition is benificial to the company is valid. Competition forces companies to deliver better products and lower prices, and remain ethical in its marketing practices. While better products and lower prices increase market share leading to higher profits, ethical practices increase consumer confidence in the company, which can be benificial in the long run. Naturally, healthy competion can be very benificial to companies.
I like the closing.
Overall, both of these are much stronger than what you once had. I don't know if they are 6.0's - there are some typos here that could hurt you and a little bit of wordiness in parts, but they definetly have all the elements they need.
I'd venture these are 5.0s. Great job! You've got these AWA's all wrapped up now.
Whens your exam?
close
30 Jul 2006, 16:53
