I'm going insane

I'm loosing it fellas.

On sunday, I went over to a friends house to work on Darden, spent about an hour or so working on it and then left.

On my way home, I felt a wierd mix of emotions - relief, frustration, anger at myself and something akin to melancholy. Relieved this would likely be my last application, frustrated at how much time I've put into this and have yet to see any results, anger at myself because somehow, for some reason I felt like I should be doing more. But there's little more to do, if anything at all.

I sat in my car on the way home and heard this little voice telling me "Rhyme! You moron! What have you done today! One measily pass at your Darden essays! You used to do so much! You've wasted away the day! You've lose hours of valuable time!" and yet, in my head, I knew it wasn't true. Yes, I suppose I could have practiced some interview questions, but whats the point of practicing until I have some idea of which school is interviewing me?

Today, I left for work a little late, a side effect of yesterday being that I had trouble sleeping and stayed up until 2.30am watching a horrifically poor movie called The Island. Woke up a bit late, drove the way to work, sat down. Logged into Cornell, no change. Logged into GSB, no change. You know how the rest of them go.

But why did I even log in? What did I expect? Somekind of random fluke where Kellogg randomally updated my status on a day when, by their own communication, they don't update? Yet, I found myself logging in anyway. As if something might be there. Anything. Send me some communication!

I spent an hour sitting with a new hire, glancing at my blackberry on the off chance it buzzed. Again, I had to stop myself? Why am I looking at it? I know there wont be any communication, yet, there I was glancing it.

The phone rings. It's some 847 number, one I don't recognize. Oh holy god, could it be Kellogg? It couldn't be could it? Well, guess what? Thats right ladies, ............ it wasnt. hah, got you there didn't I? Again, I found this thought popping into my head - almost at some kind of subconcious level, as if the synaptic pathways in my brain have been rewired to see MBA related possibilities with everything.

As random neurons fire in my feeble brain, my capacity to mentally engage myself in other ways diminishes rapidly a la Bush(tm), and my pathetic excuse for logical thought goes completely out the window. The frayed ends of my brain, worn down by countless GMAT exams (15!), and never ending essay tweaks: "For example, or for instance, hmm.. I dont know, which sounds better here.. I used example earlier, but I use instance later..." and patently ridiculous concerns: "What if my email went down!? Did it!?" or "Oh god is it it's or its? I know this, and I've never questsion it in my entire life, yet somehow now, I feel the need to check!" In a week, I'll probably be doing things like thinking the sky looks a bit more purple tonight. Like a Kellogg purple. Oh god rhyme, stop it. Look at that fire hydrant. It's kind of a dark red. Like the HBS maroon color.

And now ladies, I take you through a typical whirlwind ten minutes in my brain:

Gosh this problem's a bit difficult. What time is it? 10:00? Hey difficult starts with a D. So does Darden. Darden sounds like some kind of strange e-coli type infection doesn't it? Thats interesting cause the HBS maroon is a bit like the color of blood when it coagulates, I wonder if anyone ever noticed that. Why do they call it H/S/W anyway? Why not S/W/H? Or H/W/S? It's a trifecta. I wonder if MIT folks think Sloan is the S? I bet they do. Arrogant punks! Heck, maybe I should apply there. No, I'm not good enough. Yes, yes, I am. No, no I'm not. You know that reminds me of a joke. There's a guy standing at a store and he buys two oranges. The total comes to $5.99 and the guy says "I'm sorry mam, but I don't think that's right. I have an MBA I should know." and the woman says "Well, you either have an MBA from Harvard and can't add, or you have one from MIT and can't read." Badda bing! TAda! I laughed at it. What time is it? Oh its 10:05. I wonder if Cornell updated. Naw, I checked at 9. Well you never know. Oh god, did I forget to update the resume on DArden? Crap! Go check! No I did. Good. I wonder, did I accidentally submit my GSB essays to Cornell? Maybe thats why havent asked me for an interview? Oh god, I did didn't I? Oh no wait, I didn't, those are the rights ones. Where do I get these ideas from? What whats that? Oh someone's at your desk, quick close the app rhyme! Why? They know I'm applying. What does this guy want now? The annual volume for what? Oh god who cares? The number of what? Swag or exact? Exact? Why on earth? They change daily. Ugh ok fine. Let see here, how many of those. 4 there, 17 there, 5 here. 5? Hey thats how many apps I've submitted. I wonder if HBS updated. Where was I? Oh yea, 5 of those. Right, so we have 26. 26 ok. Send email with that number. 26, gosh it sure feels like 26 weeks before I hear back. Did I remember to upload the GSB transcripts? Oh god! I better check. Oh yea, I did. I found a typo the other day in my Darden app that I think was also on my GSB app. Oh god, I wonder if it is. I wont check though. Oh look a new email. 26 doesnt sound right? Yea, you went to MIT or HBS. (Rethink the entire joke at this point and still laugh). What time is it? 10:06? Ok, well, whats next? I suppose I could look at Darden and prepare for my interview. Or I could do this big pile of work sitting on my desk. I wonder if that guy from DArden will call back. I think he will. What time is it? 10:06? Ok. Well, I guess I'll work on some stuff. I can't believe that fricking !@(#!@# counted the number of days to January 4th and told me. Now I know exactly how many days are left. Argh. I wish I didn't know that number. Maybe I can unlearn it. Is unlearn a word? Did I use that in my applications? No, no why would I have said unlearn? Unlearn doesnt make any sense. What would you unlearn? What was I even trying to unlearn? I dont remember now. What time is it? 10:07. Hmm, what was I doing again? I wonder if fluffydot found my post on gmatclub - I thought it was pretty funny. Maybe I'll go read it, it'll cheer me up. Argh, here's a post from a part time applicant. Lucky !@(#!(@# son of !@(#!@, he'll know faster than it takes me to drive home. I should have applied part time. Why didn't I? Oh yea, I don't want to go part time. I want full time. Gosh though if I'd just applied part time, I'd hear back in like five more days. I could do five more days. How many days is it now? 70 what? Argh. Argh, I wonder, maybe I could still pull that off. What time is it? 10:08? Gosh this day is really dragging on. Almost as much as these darn applications are. Hahaah. That wasn't funny. It's really not. I need to get my mind of this stuff. There's nothing I can do now, right? Right. What time is it ? 10:09? Goodness gracious this day drags.

And so on.... And so on... And so on...

This is going to be a LONG two months!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pre-emptive insanity plea goes >> HERE <<