Pls rate this essay # 2 - then I'll rate yours!

You are making a few typos. In your second paragraph "as success DO not necessarily ...".

Third paragraph "what she makes her happy", drop the "she". Also after happy you should have used a ": helping poor people".

Personally I would not use "Harvard" as an example, it sounds a bit too perfect to be true. Did you come up with that study, or does it really exist?

Also avoid using words such as "things" and "stuff", it sounds very unprofessional.

However I think that the colon "My reasons are the following:" is considered improper writing style for an essay. And also drop the "a) ... b) ... c) ..." in your summary, where did you get that idea from?

Probably (just to be picky) prefer "our" over "your" or rephrase your sentences to look more like a general definition.

If you fix the few aforementioned bits and pieces, you'll score a 6.0