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# Please kindly rate my Essay: Violence in Movies

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Manager
Joined: 25 Mar 2013
Posts: 58
WE: Project Management (Telecommunications)

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16 Aug 2013, 02:58
1
KUDOS
“As violence in movies increases, so do crime rates in our cities. To combat this problem we must establish a board
to censor certain movies, or we must limit admission to persons over 21 years of age. Apparently our legislators are
*****************************************************************************************************************************

I am not a native speaker and this is what I managed to write in 30 min

The author of the argument is concerned about the increasing crime rates in the cities. He or she mentions that it directly correlates with the increasing amount of the violence in movies. The author unwarrantedly states that the legislators are not concerned because the majority of them did not approve the bill for certain actions. However, the presence of such bill indicates that at least some legislators are concerned. As a result of this flawed reasoning, the author comes up with two mutually exclusive proposals: first one is to censor certain movies and the second one is to prohibit the movie theater attendance to people younger than 21 years of age. Besides, the author is not providing any evidence that listed proposals should somehow affect the crime rate in the cities.

First of all, the argument does not provide any evidence of increasing crime rate being actually caused by the increasing amount of violence in the movies. In order to evaluate this claim, it would be reasonable to investigate whether the actual criminals had a chance to watch the violent movies. If this study shows that the criminals had not watched any violent movie, the claim would be significantly weakened. Theoretically, the increased crimes rates in the cities might be causing the increased amount of violence in the movies because filmmakers might want to show the real picture. Therefore, the correlation between the two phenomena does not prove that one is causing the other.

Secondly, the author readily assumes that since bill for actions was rejected, the legislators are not concerned about the increasing crime rate. However, the author fails to take into account that the proposed actions were rejected because they were not reasonable enough in solving the problem. The author’s claim could be weakened if there is evidence that proposed censorship or limiting actions were rejected because legislators proved them to be inefficient

Thirdly, the author fails to take into account that even if the theater attendance is limited and movies are censored, the teenage audience can find the ways to hiddenly obtain and watch the movies at home. As a result, the potential criminals could watch any possible movie without any control, thus, proving the plan inefficient.

In conclusion, the author makes several unjustified assumptions and fails to provide evidence to support them. Moreover, there are certain flaws in the logical reasoning. Therefore, the argument is poorly substantiated and unconvincing.
Kaplan GMAT Instructor
Joined: 25 Aug 2009
Posts: 644
Location: Cambridge, MA

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17 Aug 2013, 16:07
1
KUDOS
Expert's post
happyinlove505 wrote:
“As violence in movies increases, so do crime rates in our cities. To combat this problem we must establish a board
to censor certain movies, or we must limit admission to persons over 21 years of age. Apparently our legislators are
*****************************************************************************************************************************

I am not a native speaker and this is what I managed to write in 30 min

The author of the argument is concerned about the increasing crime rates in the cities. He or she mentions that it directly correlates with the increasing amount of the violence in movies. The author unwarrantedly states that the legislators are not concerned because the majority of them did not approve the bill for certain actions. However, the presence of such bill indicates that at least some legislators are concerned. As a result of this flawed reasoning, the author comes up with two mutually exclusive proposals: first one is to censor certain movies and the second one is to prohibit the movie theater attendance to people younger than 21 years of age. Besides, the author is not providing any evidence that listed proposals should somehow affect the crime rate in the cities.

First of all, the argument does not provide any evidence of increasing crime rate being actually caused by the increasing amount of violence in the movies. In order to evaluate this claim, it would be reasonable to investigate whether the actual criminals had a chance to watch the violent movies. If this study shows that the criminals had not watched any violent movie, the claim would be significantly weakened. Theoretically, the increased crimes rates in the cities might be causing the increased amount of violence in the movies because filmmakers might want to show the real picture. Therefore, the correlation between the two phenomena does not prove that one is causing the other.

Secondly, the author readily assumes that since bill for actions was rejected, the legislators are not concerned about the increasing crime rate. However, the author fails to take into account that the proposed actions were rejected because they were not reasonable enough in solving the problem. The author’s claim could be weakened if there is evidence that proposed censorship or limiting actions were rejected because legislators proved them to be inefficient

Thirdly, the author fails to take into account that even if the theater attendance is limited and movies are censored, the teenage audience can find the ways to hiddenly obtain and watch the movies at home. As a result, the potential criminals could watch any possible movie without any control, thus, proving the plan inefficient.

In conclusion, the author makes several unjustified assumptions and fails to provide evidence to support them. Moreover, there are certain flaws in the logical reasoning. Therefore, the argument is poorly substantiated and unconvincing.
Hi happyinlove505,

This essay gets a 4.

You are doing very well in terms of organization. You start with a clear thesis, describe your points in separate paragraphs, and conclude with a final thought.

However, you need to work on polishing your content. Your example of checking whether criminals had seen movies was quite weak--it's very unlikely that criminals simply skipped the movies, which are an almost universal aspect of modern cultures, and moreover, even if they had seen violent movies before committing crimes, that would prove very little. A better example would have been something indicating that the rise in violent movies overall preceded the rise in crime; if the movies became more violent after the crime wave, it would be clear the author's causality is wrong.

I hope this helps, and keep up the good work!
_________________

Eli Meyer
Kaplan Teacher
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Kaplan Reviews

Manager
Joined: 25 Mar 2013
Posts: 58
WE: Project Management (Telecommunications)

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21 Aug 2013, 07:06
KapTeacherEli wrote:
Hi happyinlove505,

This essay gets a 4.

You are doing very well in terms of organization. You start with a clear thesis, describe your points in separate paragraphs, and conclude with a final thought.

However, you need to work on polishing your content. Your example of checking whether criminals had seen movies was quite weak--it's very unlikely that criminals simply skipped the movies, which are an almost universal aspect of modern cultures, and moreover, even if they had seen violent movies before committing crimes, that would prove very little. A better example would have been something indicating that the rise in violent movies overall preceded the rise in crime; if the movies became more violent after the crime wave, it would be clear the author's causality is wrong.

I hope this helps, and keep up the good work!

Hello KapTeacherEli,

thank you so much for reviewing it
Intern
Joined: 07 Dec 2013
Posts: 6

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15 Feb 2014, 11:42
Pls Rate this argument and provide valuable comments.

The argument that crime rates are increasing with increasing violence in movies appears to be convincing on first glance but on a close inspection it falls apart in many fronts.
First it assumes that crime rates increases mainly due to the violence in the movies. The author has not corroborated his view point and has generalized the issues mentioned without valid proof points. Violence in movies could possibly be a reason, however it couldn’t be a sole factor that could surge upon the crime rates in a society .Factors like – political situation of the country, environment of upbringing , violence as seen from other media would also count in an increasing crime .

Secondly the argument overlooks the point that adults above age 21 will not commit crimes. It has illogically assumed that limiting admission of persons over 21 years will help in reducing crime ratio . The assumption has no supporting point or examples to attest its stance .

The above discussed obvious flaws in the assumptions of the argument refrains from making the argument a convincing and persuasive one . If it had considered these points while making the decision or action steps, it would have been more systematic and resounding
Intern
Joined: 24 May 2014
Posts: 1
Schools: Haas EWMBA'19

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24 May 2014, 12:35
Hi,

I happened to take a crack at this essay as well today. Would be great if someone could review my essay and grade/rate and critically review it.

Thanks a lot !

========

The argument states that setup of boards to strengthen censorship laws on movies with violence is not taken up seriously by legislators since such a bill was recently turned down. It also states that it is necessary to have such a board to censor movies with violence, as they are considered responsible for increasing crime rate in cities. The argument is flawed as it fails to consider the fact that it is not just absence of certain board or censorship on movies which is responsible for increasing crime rates, but there are other contributing factors to it as well.

Firstly, the argument that the legislators are not concerned about this issue, since a bill calling for censoring movies or limiting admission to movies based on age had failed to receive a majority vote, is not based on factual information. It might be true that they are not taking it up right now. However, this does not take into consideration that legislators might be trying to gather more facts before they go in and propose a bill since it was recently turned down. Also, the legislators might be looking for other alternatives, such as enforcing producers to introduce call-outs on scenes with violence in movies about them being hypothetical or theatrical, which can put it in audience’ mind that any act of violence they see in movies should not be imitated in real life.

Secondly, the argument assumes presence of board to censor movies with violence or limiting admission to persons over 21 years of age will help cut down crime in cities. The argument fails to take into consideration the fact that most of the criminals might be aged 21 and above, which will fail the purpose of age censorship on movies with violence. Moreover, is it the people watching these movies who have been constantly involved in committing crime – that might be another question to ask before the author of the editorial concludes that this censorship can bring down crime rate.

Finally, author’s presumption around there being a direct correlation between violence in movies and crime rates seems flawed and weak. Is violence in movies the only contributor to rising crime in cities? Answer to this question might lead into the conclusion that there are reasons beyond on screen violence which are responsible for high crime rate.

To conclude, the argument could have been stronger if the author would have taken into consideration other supporting facts and evidences such as the reason behind legislators’ behavior and rationale behind their thinking and action or reason why the bill was turned down in the past and how can it be avoided in future. Furthermore, the author should consider if setting up the board is the only solution or can there be better alternatives.
Intern
Joined: 25 Jun 2014
Posts: 2

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25 Jun 2014, 13:04
This essay is well written! Good format and style. If I had to make a suggestion, I would suggest you to write a bit more about the subject, by adding another paragraph. Anyways, as I have said it's written good, I rate it 5.
Re: Please kindly rate my Essay: Violence in Movies   [#permalink] 25 Jun 2014, 13:04
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