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Please provide feedback for my AWA essay

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Please provide feedback for my AWA essay  [#permalink]

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New post 09 Nov 2019, 14:37
Hi,
I am writing my GMAT exam in the next 2 days, so it would be really grateful if you could provide me with feedback on how I could improve my essay further.

Read the statement and the instructions that follow it, and then make any notes that will help you plan your response. Begin typing your response at the bottom of the screen. You have 30 minutes in which to complete the essay.


People who wear eyeglasses often need stronger prescriptions over time. For example, a woman in her 40's began wearing glasses on the advice of an optometrist and, in just one year, required stronger lenses. Furthermore, eyeglass and contact lens users report more eye-related problems than do those who wear neither. Given that a typical eyeglass wearer buys expensive new glasses every two to three years, people considering corrective lenses should instead invest in an eye-strengthening program, which could save them thousands of dollars over their lifetimes.


Discuss how well-reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion, be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

Essay:
---------------------------------------------------------

The argument mentioned above that the people should invest on eye-strengthening program instead of corrective lenses is seriously flawed. The argument omits some concerns that must be addressed to substantiate the argument. There are a few key assumptions made in the argument. The argument must consider other important factors as well without which the argument would be solely based on assumptions instead of facts.

Firstly, the argument is based on the generalization that the people who wear eyeglasses need stronger prescriptions over time and they invest a lot in corrective lenses. The example mentioned in the argument is about a woman in her 40's. Hence considering this example would make the argument flawed as the people wearing eyeglasses can be of different ages and gender. Age can be a very crucial factor on which the prescriptions could depend. A person who is at a higher age might require stronger lenses quicker than a person who is much younger.

Secondly, the argument states that eyeglass and contact lens users report more eye-related problems, but the argument fails to support the claim with the factual figures. It is quite possible that the people wearing eyeglasses report the eye-related problems more than the people who do not wear eyeglasses. The advantages and the dis-advantages of the eye-strengthening program must also be clearly mentioned. The argument must be able to answer the questions such as "How frequent would the user face an eye-related problem after the eye-strengthening program?" or "What is the lifespan of the eye-strengthening program?".

The argument just mentions a general statement that the eye-strengthening program would save thousands of dollars over lifetimes. But it fails to mention the cost required to maintain the eye after the program. The frequency for follow-ups is also crucial in understanding which case is better. Along with the above-mentioned points, the argument also fails to mention the side-effects caused by the eye-strengthening program and the age group for which this program is suitable.

Since the argument leaves out several key aspects, it is not sound or persuasive. If the argument included the points discussed above instead of solely basing the argument on the fact that it is better to invest in an eye-strengthening program than in corrective- lenses, the argument would have been more thorough and convincing.

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Moreover, It would be really helpful if you could let me know where this essay stands on a scale from 1 to 6.
Thanks :)
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Re: Please provide feedback for my AWA essay  [#permalink]

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New post 10 Nov 2019, 11:35
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Wasan
Pl find your rview of the eye-glases essay

Essay: 381 words --

The argument mentioned above that the people should invest on eye-strengthening program instead of corrective lenses is seriously flawed. The argument omits some concerns that must be addressed to substantiate the argument. There are a few key assumptions made in the argument. The argument must consider other important factors as well without which the argument would be solely based on assumptions instead of facts.

Firstly, the argument is based on the generalization that the people who wear eyeglasses need stronger prescriptions over time and they invest a lot in corrective lenses. The example mentioned in the argument is about a woman in her 40's. Hence considering this example would make the argument flawed as the people wearing eyeglasses can be of different ages and gender. Age can be a very crucial factor on which the prescriptions could depend. A person who is at a higher age might require stronger lenses quicker than a person who is much younger.

Secondly, the argument states that eyeglass and contact lens users report more eye-related problems, but the argument fails to support the claim with the factual figures. It is quite possible that the people wearing eyeglasses report the eye-related problems more than the people who do not wear eyeglasses. The advantages and the dis-advantages of the eye-strengthening program must also be clearly mentioned. The argument must be able to answer the questions such as "How frequent would the user face an eye-related problem after the eye-strengthening program?" or "What is the lifespan of the eye-strengthening program?".

The argument just mentions a general statement that the eye-strengthening program would save thousands of dollars over lifetimes. But it fails to mention the cost required to maintain the eye after the program. The frequency for follow-ups is also crucial in understanding which case is better. Along with the above-mentioned points, the argument also fails to mention the side-effects caused by the eye-strengthening program and the age group for which this program is suitable.

Since the argument leaves out several key aspects, it is not sound or persuasive. If the argument included the points discussed above instead of solely basing the argument on the fact that it is better to invest in an eye-strengthening program than in corrective- lenses, the argument would have been more thorough and convincing.

Review
General Comments.
Construction
The length is short. An AWA GMAT essay may require at least another 100 words.
How to get those extra few words? Give some examples of some imaginary survey; this is not to test whether the example you have given is true or not. All that is wanted is to see whether you have the habit of using good examples to bolster the essay.
You may also increase the number of paragraphs by one more.
Content
Use some technical jargons such as -- it is a fallacy of single fact dependence or a myth of over reliance, Etc.
To end the essay, you can use some old saying or proverb related to the topic such as this
The eye is the crowning jewel of the body and soul. -- An Indian Saying. -- Who will want to experiment with the eyes?
Grammar and spelling. The essay has been proof - read meticulously.
The errors are within control. As a general notion, give importance to difference between the use of past tense and past perfect tense.
Flow: good
This level of proficiency in grammar and content may be sufficient for the Test. However, keep an eye on the length.
Rating 5
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Re: Please provide feedback for my AWA essay   [#permalink] 10 Nov 2019, 11:35
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