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Please rate my essay

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Joined: 10 Dec 2015
Posts: 3
GMAT 1: 750 Q51 V40
GPA: 3.83
Please rate my essay  [#permalink]

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New post 28 May 2016, 00:29
Dear forum folks,
I would like to improve my writing skills for TOEFL. Please kindly help me evaluate my essay below.

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their university libraries. Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

(380 words)
Some people agree that universities should give the same amount of money to their students’ sports activities as they give to their university libraries; others disagree. In my opinion, I disagree to allocate money to both activities the same. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

Firstly, money ought to be allocated based on student’s needs. Some universities have an excellent academic reputation, so most students who enroll in these universities are likely to expect a financial support to the academic programs rather than sports activities. By way of example, when I was in university, there were many financial supports to academic expenses including need-based scholarship to extraordinary students who had a great GPA but were unable to afford their cost of living in university. If that money had been spent equally to sports activities, the university would have lost hundreds of high performance students to continue doing research and writing papers for the university and eventually would have lost their reputations. This example illustrates how properly money should be distributed based on student requirements.

Secondly, equally distributed money will not produce the most optimized benefits for both universities and students. It is absolutely true that each faculty needs a different percentage of money allocation to suit their programs. For instance, for the faculty of pure science, it is obvious that money has to be spent mostly on library in order to support their students by purchasing up-to-date scientific books and papers for students. On the other hand, many athletes who aim at growing professional athletes have a tendency to pursue a bachelor degree in the faculty of sports science in my university. Therefore, these students require several facility supports and resources such as gymnasiums, fitness gyms, knowledgeable coaches, and sports science technology which are essential for them to become stronger and more competitive athletes when they graduate from the universities. Without money to subsidize these facilities and resources, it would have been difficult for those students to become successful in their professional sports careers.

In conclusion, based on the argument explored above, I have a strong belief that money should not be allocated equally. It needs be allocated based on student’s needs and the optimized benefits for both universities and students.
GMAT Club Bot
Please rate my essay   [#permalink] 28 May 2016, 00:29
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