Please rate my independent essay

Hi all, this is the first essay I'm posting on this forum. My TOEFL is in two weeks.
Concerning the essay, I just took a random topic from a list and set the timer for 30'. My essay is 598 words long, I don't know if that's too much, but when my minds gets fired up I usually write a lot
Here it is, and thanks in advance for the help :

It is generally agreed that society benefits from the work of its members.
Compare the contributions of artists to society with the contributions of scientists
to society. Which type of contribution do you think is valued more by
your society? Give specific reasons to support your answer.

Society undoubtedly benefits from the work of its members, be they artists or scientists, two well-defined “roles” with two very different approaches: one is very down-to-earth, while the other requires the mind to escape. While my society used to be a prime place for artists, today it values the contribution of scientists far more.

First, empirically, if I had to look at how my society treats scientists and artists, then the former clearly come up on top: they are usually well-paid, receive interesting job opportunities, and contribute to society. On the other hand becoming an artist is often not recommended. When you look at a bunch of 18 years-old, a lot of them will usually attend a scientific university. There will be only one or two “artistic” kids, and they are usually viewed as the odd ones in the room, the “creative” ones. Later on in life, scientists in my society get well-paid jobs and a decent lifestyle, while very few artists succeed. Most fail. Most of them are struggling. For example, my aunt has an artist friend in his fifties, and his paintings are very childlike and average, but my aunt buys a lot of his paintings either way, to help him out… I don’t know whether he earns much, but the fact that his post is send to my aunt’s tells me otherwise.

Second, scientists create processes and tools that make our society work and our economy function. They help fulfill our most important needs. Scientists have created the processes and tools that make a manufacturing factory produce cars, electronics, and a slew of other things we use daily. Scientists have created the processes and tools that make our convenience stores, our IKEA stores, or even our streets, run smoothly. On the other hand, artists fulfill the “higher” needs, the self-fulfilling and spiritual needs, if I were to refer to Abraham Maslow’s famous pyramid. From what I have seen of my society, these needs are considered optional. The work of artist is thus restricted to the walled rooms of museums, cinemas and gardens. Scientists’ work is out here in the open.

Finally, scientists save lives by creating medicine, better processes, and life-saving devices. Artists don’t. The story about the teen who wanted to killed herself but decided not to after hearing a beautiful piece of music only happens in the movies… Meanwhile, Pasteur did invent penicillin and saved countless people. That’s not a story (though I expect Hollywood to create a biopic out of this in the coming years…). Another clear example of what comes to mind is Bill Gates’ toilet “conference”. Diarrhea is a huge killer in poor countries, especially in Africa. Yet, people are not aware of this, and artists don’t want to touch that subject. Yet Bill Gate, a scientist turned philanthropist, has created a competition for scientists to create a new, sustainable, energy-efficient, and life-saving toilet for poor third-world countries. Gates then awarded a grant to the winner to the tune of $500,000. This is just one of the efforts scientists do to improve the lives of people around the globe. Not to mention their efforts to save the earth itself.

All in all, if artists do allows us to step out of our own busy lives for a moment and dream, scientists are more valued by my society, because they contribute to making it work efficiently. I myself love watching movies and I am a voracious reader. But my life would be far worse if I didn’t have the tools that scientists created: my gas burner, my fridge, my computer, etc.