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Please rate my TOEFL essay

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Intern
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Please rate my TOEFL essay  [#permalink]

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New post 09 Mar 2015, 19:14
1
Out of 5, what would you give me? Thank you very much in advance.

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement
Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion

[489 word counts]

Although a person’s childhood experience may vary from one individual to another, it is probably one of the most memorable times for many adults. In my opinion, I agree with the statement that childhood is the happiest time of a person’s life. When I was a child, I not only had much fewer responsibilities than I do now, but also had several opportunities to connect with fantastic lifetime friends. In addition, with a lot of free time during my childhood, I was able to spend my free time to explore my own interest.

First, I currently work in a small equity fund in Thailand and have much greater responsibilities than I usually did during my childhood. At the moment, I need to work in exchange for money, which, in turn, is used to finance not only my living expenses but also my mother’s monthly allowances and monthly installments of the housing loan that I borrowed to fund the purchase of my apartment. When I was just a child, I did not have to be responsible for any of these expenses. My education expenses were primarily funded by my parents and, hence, my main responsibility is to focus on my study and get good grades.

Second, I currently have many good lifelong friends, most of whom I first met when I was a kid studying in schools and colleges. At that time, we were not interested much in money; our friendship was built on good faith with no involvement from other interests such as money and family background. We are connected with each other through classes, school and college activities, and social circles, not through working relationships, businesses, and corporate circles. I am not saying that I focus on rich friends with high-profile families at the moment, but I have to admit that making friends nowadays especially without embedded interests is not as simple as it used to be.

Third, as a working adult, I need to work five days a week and time becomes an extremely scarce resource while money is not. When I was a child, the reverse of the previous statement is true because I did not have much money but did have a lot of free time, which can be used in either a wise, productive way or a foolish way. I remembered that I could spend my time on practicing classical guitars for the whole afternoon or drums on the weekends. Alternatively, I could relax by playing games, reading comics, or collecting cards. Unfortunately, at the moment, although I have money to purchase the high-quality classical guitar or to pay for several best-selling games, I will not have enough time to do all or some of these activities anymore.

In conclusion, my childhood is the best and most memorable experience in my life and I believe that it is also for many people especially ones who have worked in the corporate world for a while.
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Re: Please rate my TOEFL essay  [#permalink]

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New post 10 Mar 2015, 00:10
Hi:
Welcome to GMAT Club :beer:

Here are my positive observations:
1. Your essay is well structured
2. Grammatical errors are minimal
3. Sentences are terse

However, on reading your essay, I felt that you look at your current situation negatively. It would have been an interesting read if you didn't make the comparison between present and childhood and just talked about all the great things you did as a child (was the comparison really necessary)

:)

These are my thoughts... Your essay is certainly above average. I give it a 3
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Re: Please rate my TOEFL essay  [#permalink]

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New post 10 Mar 2015, 00:23
Entwistle wrote:
Hi:
Welcome to GMAT Club :beer:

Here are my positive observations:
1. Your essay is well structured
2. Grammatical errors are minimal
3. Sentences are terse

However, on reading your essay, I felt that you look at your current situation negatively. It would have been an interesting read if you didn't make the comparison between present and childhood and just talked about all the great things you did as a child (was the comparison really necessary)

:)

These are my thoughts... Your essay is certainly above average. I give it a 3


Thank you very much, for your valuable feedback. I really appreciate it.
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Re: Please rate my TOEFL essay  [#permalink]

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New post 02 May 2016, 00:52
Queation: Some people think that they can learn better by themselves than with a teacher. Others think that it is always better to have a teacher. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons to develop your essay.

If given a choice to study on my own or studying with the help of teacher, I would always go for latter option. I shall mention why I feel so in further points.
Traditional schooling with teachers and professors teaching students through seminars and lecture in classroom is more effective since we are accustomed to this pattern since we are been started our schooling from kindergarten. In my opinion, we are not ready to study on our own in our early lives. As we grow we learn different techniques to study; few students who can manage their studies on their own do not feel the need of a teacher and may opt for online courses or so. Although studying by themselves has its advantages like you need not attend classes or lecture of professor you do not like or you think cannot deliver a great lecture.
On the other hand I feel teachers will be of immense help when your exams approach. Teachers expect students to ask query and doubts even after the class. So anyone in need can ask for query. For instance, when I was in high school back in California I had Biology class and professor Longman taught us the subject. In doubt he helped me solve my problem. He encouraged the students for open discussions and participating in lecture by providing examples. He not only gave detailed lecture but also provided resources used for the study, which in my opinion a student cannot do.
Teachers are full of knowledge and have a lot of experience for particular subject they teach which is directly or indirectly governs the quality education the students receive. Knowledge and experience of teachers outweigh the knowledge of a student. I can illustrate an example of my classmate who had taken online course and tried to study on her own. Jessica chose online math course instead of normal lecture that we attended. She was not able to score well in exams because she had no one to help her with difficult problems whereas students who attended the class scored well.
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Re: Please rate my TOEFL essay   [#permalink] 02 May 2016, 00:52

Please rate my TOEFL essay

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