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Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :)

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Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink]

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31 Aug 2012, 23:54
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The Cumquat Café began advertising on our local radio station this year and was delighted to see its business
increase by 10 percent over last year’s totals. Their success shows you how you can use radio advertising to make
your business more profitable.”

The argument states that cumquat cafe was able to increase its business by advertising in the local radio station.stated this way , the argument is based on questionable assumptions.The argument fails to provide clear evidences and supporting facts to substantiate the claim .Hence the argument is unconvincing and deeply flawed.

Firstly, the argument mentions that the cafe started advertising in the local radio station , leading to increase in its business.The argument is making an assumption that radio is popular amongst the locals and that people do listen to radio.more over the argument also assumes that people make purchase decisions based on advertisement in radio.This is not substantiated by any data.It is also possible that the cafe is frequented motly by the teens and that teens do not tune into radio at all.In such a case the Argument will be considerably weakened.Hence , we need proper evidence to substantiate the claim laid in the argument.

Secondly the argument states that the advertisement in radio lead to a 10 percent increase in the business.We have been provided no evidences on the same.It is possible that the business normally experiences a growth of 10 percent year on year and that advertisement in radio has not affected the revenue in any way.We also dont know what other modes of advertising has been undertaken by the cafe .If there are more than one medium in which the cafe has started to advertise such as news paper, ads in local entertainment channels, then it will not be possible to ascertain the entire increase in revenue to radio.Hence the argument would have been strengthened if more data would have been provided to prevent the alternate reasoning.

Finally the arguments is making a recommendation on using the radio advertising to make busineess protitable.This is indeed a very general claim and the argument fails to take the cost benefit analysis into consideration.We do not know how much advertising cost in the radio and t he corresponding increase in revenue its likely to bring.without such a analysis busineesses may actually make a loss.hence the argument will fall apart.

The argument is flawed and based on questionable assumptions and could have been further strengthened if evidences would have been given to substantiate the claims.
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Joined: 07 Aug 2012
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Location: United States
Concentration: International Business, Strategy
GPA: 3.44
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Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink]

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01 Sep 2012, 17:20
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sudi03 wrote:
The Cumquat Café began advertising on our local radio station this year and was delighted to see its business
increase by 10 percent over last year’s totals. Their success shows you how you can use radio advertising to make
your business more profitable.”

The argument states that cumquat cafe was able to increase its business by advertising in the local radio station.stated this way , the argument is based on questionable assumptions.The argument fails to provide clear evidences and supporting facts to substantiate the claim .Hence the argument is unconvincing and deeply flawed.

Firstly, the argument mentions that the cafe started advertising in the local radio station , leading to increase in its business.The argument is making an assumption that radio is popular amongst the locals and that people do listen to radio.more over the argument also assumes that people make purchase decisions based on advertisement in radio.This is not substantiated by any data.It is also possible that the cafe is frequented motly by the teens and that teens do not tune into radio at all.In such a case the Argument will be considerably weakened.Hence , we need proper evidence to substantiate the claim laid in the argument.

Secondly the argument states that the advertisement in radio lead to a 10 percent increase in the business.We have been provided no evidences on the same.It is possible that the business normally experiences a growth of 10 percent year on year and that advertisement in radio has not affected the revenue in any way.We also dont know what other modes of advertising has been undertaken by the cafe .If there are more than one medium in which the cafe has started to advertise such as news paper, ads in local entertainment channels, then it will not be possible to ascertain the entire increase in revenue to radio.Hence the argument would have been strengthened if more data would have been provided to prevent the alternate reasoning.

Finally the arguments is making a recommendation on using the radio advertising to make busineess protitable.This is indeed a very general claim and the argument fails to take the cost benefit analysis into consideration.We do not know how much advertising cost in the radio and t he corresponding increase in revenue its likely to bring.without such a analysis busineesses may actually make a loss.hence the argument will fall apart.

The argument is flawed and based on questionable assumptions and could have been further strengthened if evidences would have been given to substantiate the claims.

First up, there were a few errors in spelling that could have been avoided, as well as commas that were spaced wrong and fullstops, with no gap and no capital letter in the beginning of the sentence (see underlined in above quotation). Also evidence is a singular plural, there is no such thing as evidences.

Based on a brief reading, I would probably give this a 3. I think your points slightly miss the point of the text. I believe, based on the sentence given there were two major issues with the statement.

Firstly, there is no evidence given that the increase in profits were the result of radio advertising, the results could have been due to a strong economy, or a season of excellent weather which encouraged people to go to cafes.

Secondly, the claim that radio advertising can bring success to "your business" makes the assumption that radio advertising is equally useful for all types of business, which is a completely unsupported and generalised argument.
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Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink]

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02 Sep 2012, 00:16
Thanx a lot for the review .will certainly try to improve.

I have made another attempt.Please have a look.

“According to the most recent survey of our readers, nearly 70% of the respondents indicated that they are planning to build or purchase a new home over the next 2 years. These results indicate that the growth in the construction industry is likely to accelerate in the near future. Therefore, this industry continues to offer lucrative opportunities for investment.”

The Argument claims that the construction industry will continue to offer lucrative opportunities for investment in the near future based on a survey conducted by the magazine of its readers.Stated this way the argument is flawed and based on questionable assumptions.The argument is unconvincing and hence flawed.

The Argument is based on the assumption that the result of the survey is reflective of the trend in the construction industry as a whole.However, the survey has been conducted by the magazine of its readers.It is very likely that the people who are the buyers of the magazine are very likely to purchase house in the coming years.Hence the survey is a biased one.The optimism of the respondents may also be based on a recent improvements in the economic data, but that may be a seasonal factor and the optimism may soon decrease with sluggish Economic Data.Thus the argument then will fall apart.

The argument as published in the magazine might also be a paid survey.The builders may have vested interest in advertising about the good health of the construction industry.such paid survey are a very common thing in construction industry.Unless we know how diverse has been the group of people who has been surveyed, it will be difficult to substantiate the argument.

Finally the argument also fails to make a distinction between the types of home i.e luxurious or affordable under consideration.what applies to one kind of housing may not apply to the industry as a whole.In fact luxurious homes at times are recession proof and hence if the respondents surveyed are planning to buy these recession proof homes, the argument will be weakened.The argument could have been considerably strengthened if we would have more relevant data to analyse.

In summary,the argument is flawed and unconvincing.We need more evidence to ascertain the true facts of the argument.
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Joined: 07 Aug 2012
Posts: 9
Location: United States
Concentration: International Business, Strategy
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Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink]

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05 Sep 2012, 03:43
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sudi03 wrote:
Thanx a lot for the review .will certainly try to improve.

I have made another attempt.Please have a look.

“According to the most recent survey of our readers, nearly 70% of the respondents indicated that they are planning to build or purchase a new home over the next 2 years. These results indicate that the growth in the construction industry is likely to accelerate in the near future. Therefore, this industry continues to offer lucrative opportunities for investment.”

The Argument claims that the construction industry will continue to offer lucrative opportunities for investment in the near future based on a survey conducted by the magazine of its readers.Stated this way the argument is flawed and based on relies on questionable assumptions.The argument is unconvincing and hence flawed.These assumptions and a lack of supporting evidence make the argument extremely unconvincing.

The magazine's argument is based on the assumption that the result of the survey is reflective of trends in the construction industry as a whole.However, the survey has been conducted by the magazine of its readers polling only the readers of the magazine.It is hard to believe that the readers of one magazine are representative of the entire economy. Given that the magazine is reporting on construction trends, it seems likely that the people who are the buyers of the magazine are more likely to build a house in the coming years. Hence the survey is a biased one.The optimism of the respondents may also be based ona recent improvements in the economic data, but that may be a seasonal factor and the optimism may soon decrease with sluggish Economic Data (don't capatalise anything other than names/places/nationalities/religious leaders).If this were the case, Thus the argument wouldthen will fall apart.

The argument as published in the magazine might also be a paid survey. The builders may have vested interest in advertising about the good health of the construction industry.such paid survey are a very common thing in construction industry.Unless we know how diverse has been the group of people who has been surveyed, it will be difficult to substantiate the argument.

Finally the argument also fails to make a distinction between the types of home i.e luxurious or affordable under consideration.what applies to one kind of housing may not apply to the industry as a whole.In fact luxurious homes are at times are recession proof and hence if the respondents surveyed are planning to buy or buildthese recession proof luxury homes, the argument will be weakened.The argument could have been considerably strengthened if we would havehad more relevant data to analyse.

In summary,the argument is flawed and unconvincing.We need more evidence to ascertain the true facts reliability of the magazine's forecast.

Hi again, got a bit bored of my quan practice so I had a read through. Argument wise this one is much better than your first. Despite a few grammar errors, your points were easy to understand and you came across as understanding the key issues of the argument very well. I got the feeling from reading this that you have a good grasp of business/economics which strengthened your points. I would give this a 4, if you can tidy up the spaces/full-stops and capitalisation I would probably give it a five and if your grammar was perfect I would give it a six. Given that you aren't a native speaker, I think you are doing really well. Just make sure you get the spacing between words correct (I've underlined a few of the mistakes you made with full-stops above). I also added (and highlighted) a few bits that I think could have been worded better. I hope this helps.
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Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink]

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15 Jul 2015, 07:36
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Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink]

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18 Aug 2015, 22:20
Please go through MY FIRST ESSAY and opine it.You may even grade it if you want
The following appeared as part of an annual report sent to stockholders by Olympic Foods,a processor of frozen foods:
"Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better,they become more efficient.In color-film processing,for example,the cost of a 3*5 inch print fell from 50 cents for 5 day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one day service in 1984.The same principle applies to the processing of food.And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its 25th birthday,we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits."
The argument states that Olympic Foods will be able to reduce the cost of food processing due to the 25years of experience the company holds in the field of food processing. The argument in claiming so has made a number of assumptions and is therefore not convincing.
First, the author mentions the reason behind the cost reduction for any processing company in general and relates the same to Olympic foods. The argument does not discuss how the same will cause the probable cost reduction by Olympic Foods. The author never highlights the ways in which Olympic Foods has improved on it food processing techniques and thus increased the efficiency. For example: the argument should have been mentioned the new technologies the company has implemented over time and how has it catered to the change in the quality of its end products. Without any such data, it becomes difficult to evaluate the argument.
Second, the writer assumes that a tenure of 25 years is enough for Olympic Foods to become efficient in its field whereas the argument nowhere provides any information regarding the actual time a food processing company requires to learn the modern ways to hone its techniques. Had any such data been provided, it would have been easier to reach a conclusion.
Moreover, in a weak attempt to support the claim, the author compares the 14 years taken by a color film processing company to the 25 years a food processing company will take for minimizing the costs. The two industries vary not only in their inputs but also in their processing methods. Therefore it is not logical to associate them with each other. The author could have talked about the time taken by any other food processing company to strengthen the claim.
Since, the author does not address to the improvisation of ways by which Olympic foods might have made a change in the food processing techniques over the years to ensure a better quality and thus a cost minimization, the argument does not sound plausible and well reasoned.
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Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :) [#permalink]

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29 Feb 2016, 08:32
Could you please evaluate my essay?
Quetion:-Over time, the costs of processing go down because as organizations learn how to do things better, they become more efficient. In color film processing, for example, the cost of a 3-by-5-inch print fell from 50 cents for five-day service in 1970 to 20 cents for one-day service in 1984. The same principle applies to the processing of food. And since Olympic Foods will soon celebrate its twenty-fifth birthday, we can expect that our long experience will enable us to minimize costs and thus maximize profits.”
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

Quote:
The reasoning given by Olympic food processor is flawed and is based on various assumptions.Hence, multiple questions can be raised regarding the validity of the conclusion drawn.

First, The argument presents a correlation between two different industries.It is possible that the decrease in price may have increased the profit of color processing industry, but it may not lead to the same result for food processing industry.Possibly because manufacturing cost could have increased due to increase in raw materials such as flour and oil.In this scenario, decreasing the cost of the final product may not be in best interest of the company.

Moreover, The decrease in price that would lead to profit also requires high competence and expertise. It is possible that company may not have garnered high expertise in its field, in spite of having spent many years in the food processing industry.If many industries have emerged in the processing business and are direct competition for Olympic food processing company, then reducing prices might be profitable.But this situation is valid under certain criteria only.For instance, If Olympic is already selling the product at its lowest price then further reducing the price will not be possible.

In addition, The efficiency does not come with time. While many people become efficient in short duration, some may not become efficient even after long duration of being in business.

The author could strengthen his conclusion by providing examples of how the company has learned how to improve its operations over 25 years and implemented those changes.

_________________

"Follow your heart and realize that your dream is a dream for a reason"
-Dori Roberts

Re: Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :)   [#permalink] 29 Feb 2016, 08:32
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Please Review my AWA.My first and non native.Thank you :)

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