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Please review my essay and provide feedback : AWA

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Please review my essay and provide feedback : AWA [#permalink]

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New post 08 May 2016, 11:14
Quote:
The following appeared in a memo sent from a baseball team's marketing director:

In order to improve attendance and revenue, we should redo our logo, colors, and mascot. Over the past five seasons, while our attendance has stagnated and our merchandising has decreased, the four new teams in our league - all with kid-friendly mascots and hip new color schemes on their hats and jerseys - have been among the most profitable in the league. Moreover, both existing teams that redid their logos have seen a surge in both attendance and merchandise revenue. Our logo and colors may play to traditionalists, but it's hard to ignore the enthusiasm that comes from exciting new team apparel and kid-friendly mascots at the games.

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.


Baseball team's marketing director expresses that In order to improve attendance and revenue, team should redo our logo, colors, and mascot. Over the past five seasons, he feels that while attendance has stagnated and merchandising has decreased, the four new teams with kid-friendly mascots and hip new color schemes on their hats and jerseys - have been among the most profitable in the league also says that teams that redid their logos have seen a surge in both attendance and merchandise revenue. Thus he opines that logo, colors and mascot require changes to improve attendance and revenue. The argument may not be completely acceptable due to following reasons.

Primarily, In order to improve attendance and revenue, Director believes change is needed for team logo, colors, and mascot. There is no information regarding the other factors affecting the attendance and revenue. It is possible that the audience may need some additional facilities at the stadium to watch the game more comfortably or change is needed in the availability of tickets for the game lovers. May be the reason for less attendance can be that the tickets are not available easily to the customer. But we have no such information regarding these aspects.

Director mentioned that while attendance has stagnated and our merchandising has decreased, the four new teams in our league - all with kid-friendly mascots and hip new color schemes on their hats and jerseys - have been among the most profitable in the league and seems to believe that colors themes and attractive mascots are responsible for the league profits while it can be just coincidence but no causality between the two events. The director should have undertaken a survey regarding the audience opinion on the mascots and themes and then should have decided the action. Deciding without any proper information is very risky since it involves money investment.

Director also mentions another instance where both existing teams that redid their logos have seen a surge in both attendance and merchandise revenue. But still the key flaw behind the same has not been addressed i.e., we do not have any information as to decide whether the surge in attendance and merchandise is due to logo change or it is just a coincidence. May be the team fans must have an access to tickets in bulk and logo may not have a role to play at all. Again a feedback is necessary to conclude the reason behind the surge in attendance and revenue.

Also he mentions that even though Baseball team logo and colors may play to traditionalists, it's hard to ignore the enthusiasm that comes from exciting new team apparel and kid-friendly mascots at the games. This is again derived from the previous premises and may get affected with more real and proper information regarding the audience preference and reason behind the decrease or increase in attendance.

Finally, with all the due factors considered above, we cannot rely on the argument without proper information. A proper survey regarding the factors affecting the attendance and revenue is preferable to understand core concerns and measures must be taken accordingly. redo of logo, colors and mascot may improve attendance and revenue to some extent but need be. Thus we need more information to make the argument acceptable in valid grounds.
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Re: Please review my essay and provide feedback : AWA [#permalink]

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New post 07 Mar 2018, 01:15
Hello !

I have recently started working on AWA. I have submitted my first AWA for general review in this club's AWA forum. I see your essay is posted back in 2016 so not sure you still looking for feedback on it. However to increase my AWA assessment and my writing skills, I would like to give feedback here.

First of all, it seems essay is too long. It is advised to have essays with 350 - 500 words. Second your passage 2 and passage 3 refers to same flaw in different language and context. It is good to have 3 paragraphs/small sections on 3 flaws or assumptions. More paragraphs distort the focus on the content.

Rest looks good. Good content. I am sure you must have appeared for the exam by now.
Re: Please review my essay and provide feedback : AWA   [#permalink] 07 Mar 2018, 01:15
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Please review my essay and provide feedback : AWA

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