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Please Review my independent essay. Thank you in advance for your time

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Intern
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Joined: 29 Jul 2015
Posts: 3
Please Review my independent essay. Thank you in advance for your time  [#permalink]

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New post 29 Jul 2015, 10:20
Dear members,
I would really appreciate if someone could review my essay. Thank you.

Best Regards,
Attia

Word count: 458
Time: 30 min.

Question: Your school has enough money to purchase either computers for students or books for the library. Which should your school choose to buy — computers or books? Use specific reasons and examples to support your recommendation.

Answer:

It is not often that my school has enough money to buy new equipment or material for the school. However, this fall, the parent council had worked really hard to fundraise
enough money to make some improvements at our school. The choice is between new computers for students or books for the library. In my opinion, the school should
definitely consider to buy computers for the students. I would provide some reasons and examples to shed light on my view.

First of all, these days it is very important that students have hands on experience with the computers. Almost everyone at the workplaces has to work on computers.
For example, offices, hospitals, libraries conduct most of their businesses on computers. At my school, we have few old computers, and students have to wait patiently
to have their turn. The amount of time they get on computers is not enough to learn much about the computers. They hardly have time to finish their projects or assignments.
With more computers in the lab, they will get more chance to explore computers and learn

In addition to that, students will acquire information very quickly. At our school we have great internet connection, and it will give students opportunities to have the
information literally at their fingertips. Most students us the library to learn the material which they can use for their projects, presentations, or examinations. The
internet these days provides countless number of websites about almost any field of the life. As a matter of fact, last semester, when I was working on a
assignment which was about World War II, I did not check out any material from the library. It was because, I was able to acquire all the material from various websites
on my computer.

Finally, the information on the computers is very often up to date, as compared to the material in the library. When books are written, it is impossible to change that
addition, if some facts have been changed after it's publication. However, the information on the computers is changed quickly as soon as some facts change. When
Pluto's status was changed from a plant to a dwarf planet, the Wikis and other websites on the computers were modified right away, however, the old books needed a new
addition to be published for that decision from the scientists.

In the way of summary, based on above reasons and explanations, I truly believe that it is beneficial for the students if school buys computers with that money.
It will provide students opportunities to work on computers without waiting too much for their turn. Also, they will save time by getting information of their need rapidly.
Lastly, students will have latest information of this fast changing world.
Intern
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Joined: 31 Oct 2012
Posts: 49
Location: Korea, Republic of
GPA: 3.9
WE: Education (Education)
Re: Please Review my independent essay. Thank you in advance for your time  [#permalink]

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New post 02 Aug 2015, 04:14
1
A few notes:

1. Don't create a fictional situation like you did with the "parent council." Just answer the question you have been given.

2. Your word count is great, but those body paragraphs are too short. Two well-developed paragraphs are always better than three short and poorly-developed paragraphs. Try structuring your paragraphs like this:

-A topic sentence that describes the reason being discussed in this paragraph.
-1-2 general sentences about your reason
-3-4 sentences that describe a personal example from your life that proves this point
-A single-sentence restatement of your reason.

3. Your grammar is fairly strong.
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Intern
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Joined: 29 Jul 2015
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New post 03 Aug 2015, 07:56
Dear Watchsmart, thank you so much for the comments. I would definitely keep your advice in mind while writing the essays.

Best Regards,
Attiabr
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Joined: 31 Oct 2012
Posts: 49
Location: Korea, Republic of
GPA: 3.9
WE: Education (Education)
Re: Please Review my independent essay. Thank you in advance for your time  [#permalink]

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New post 03 Aug 2015, 20:53
Glad to have helped. Let me know if you need anything else!
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Re: Please Review my independent essay. Thank you in advance for your time   [#permalink] 03 Aug 2015, 20:53
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