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please rate my essay

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Intern
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Joined: 29 Dec 2010
Posts: 25
Location: United States
GMAT 1: 700 Q50 V35
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Kudos [?]: 5 [0], given: 9

please rate my essay [#permalink] New post 05 Feb 2011, 08:41
Hi,

Please rate my essay and offer some suggestions.


ESSAY QUESTION:
“Monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity.”

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The author states that the monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity.As the saying puts "There are a thousand hamlet in a thousand people's eyes",people from different background and with distinct experiences can think from different perspectives.But I support the author's statement.I think the monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity.

For what do people work?The answer is "for earning money".It has been proven even from research that when employees are given monetary compensation,they work with more enthusiasm.It gives them the feeling that their work is giving them the necessary returns.Automatically their minds get filled with the sense that they need to work more and more efficiently.If the employees are not given any monetary compensation or any kind of increment slowly slowly they stop bothering about the work and ultimately they start looking for another opportunity and it ultimately affects company's productivity.

To prove this ,I would like to give an example of my team mate.I am working with him since past two years.He was really a hard-working guy.Last year he was shifted to the place where our company has manufacturing plants, and this year he has been shifted back to the head office.Due to this whole shifting process and due to some lack of response from HR dept. ,he has still not received the increment.In this period I have clearly observed his productivity decreasing day by day.Most companies have come to know about the importance of the monetary compensation and hence they give time to time monetary compensation to their employees and that ultimately benefits the companies.

The opponent may say that there are also other factors which affect the productivity such as the type of work assigned to the employee,receiving praise from boss on achieving high sales target.But according to me,when compared with monetary compensation they are not more important.They are not even equally important.

In nutshell, though there are other factors that improve employee's productivity,offering monetary compensation enhances employee's morale and his enthusiasm towards work the most.Hence I strongly support the author's opinion that "The monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity".
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Intern
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Status: GMAT date booked, Drafting essays, University Shortlisting
Joined: 03 Feb 2011
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Location: India
Schools: Fuqua '14
GMAT Date: 09-09-2011
WE: Other (Telecommunications)
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Re: please rate my essay [#permalink] New post 05 Feb 2011, 09:27
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Hi "prachich1987,

Am not an expert at this but am offering my suggestion. Great approach and touching upon resiliency is a good thing. Having a saying or a famous quote is also
quite powerful. Coming back to my suggestions.


ESSAY QUESTION:
“Monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity.”

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The author states that the monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity( try wording this in a different way. It shouldn't seem like a rewritten version. Ex: The author asserts the importance of monetary compensation in order to stimulate the improvement in employee productivity).As the saying puts ( Quoting from a popular saying,) "There are a thousand hamlet in a thousand people's eyes",people from different backgrounds and with distinct experiences can think( relate to the above) from different perspectives.

But I support the author's statement.I think(I second the author's statement as I too believe that ) the monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity.

So, proceeding on these line, yeah the content is cool, but the way it's worded needs to be taken care of. Simple English works great when all the rules of grammar are followed.
Also, for example, I could be wrong, not to sound judgmental, try not to think in the native language. When you used Slowly slowly, to assert very slowly, it seems like there has been a translation that has been made from a native language into English. Do not use since and past together in a sentence. Use either "For the past" or "Since". Am just giving examples. But, am curious, what essay was this? An essay in the GMAT or an essay for a B-School admission?

For what do people work?The answer is "for earning money".It has been proven even from research that when employees are given monetary compensation,they work with more enthusiasm.It gives them the feeling that their work is giving them the necessary returns.Automatically their minds get filled with the sense that they need to work more and more efficiently.If the employees are not given any monetary compensation or any kind of increment slowly slowly they stop bothering about the work and ultimately they start looking for another opportunity and it ultimately affects company's productivity.

To prove this ,I would like to give an example of my team mate.I am working with him since past two years.He was really a hard-working guy.Last year he was shifted to the place where our company has manufacturing plants, and this year he has been shifted back to the head office.Due to this whole shifting process and due to some lack of response from HR dept. ,he has still not received the increment.In this period I have clearly observed his productivity decreasing day by day.Most companies have come to know about the importance of the monetary compensation and hence they give time to time monetary compensation to their employees and that ultimately benefits the companies.

The opponent may say that there are also other factors which affect the productivity such as the type of work assigned to the employee,receiving praise from boss on achieving high sales target.But according to me,when compared with monetary compensation they are not more important.They are not even equally important.

In nutshell, though there are other factors that improve employee's productivity,offering monetary compensation enhances employee's morale and his enthusiasm towards work the most.Hence I strongly support the author's opinion that "The monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity".[/quote]
prachich1987 wrote:
Hi,

Please rate my essay and offer some suggestions.


ESSAY QUESTION:
“Monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity.”

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The author states that the monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity.As the saying puts "There are a thousand hamlet in a thousand people's eyes",people from different background and with distinct experiences can think from different perspectives.But I support the author's statement.I think the monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity.

For what do people work?The answer is "for earning money".It has been proven even from research that when employees are given monetary compensation,they work with more enthusiasm.It gives them the feeling that their work is giving them the necessary returns.Automatically their minds get filled with the sense that they need to work more and more efficiently.If the employees are not given any monetary compensation or any kind of increment slowly slowly they stop bothering about the work and ultimately they start looking for another opportunity and it ultimately affects company's productivity.

To prove this ,I would like to give an example of my team mate.I am working with him since past two years.He was really a hard-working guy.Last year he was shifted to the place where our company has manufacturing plants, and this year he has been shifted back to the head office.Due to this whole shifting process and due to some lack of response from HR dept. ,he has still not received the increment.In this period I have clearly observed his productivity decreasing day by day.Most companies have come to know about the importance of the monetary compensation and hence they give time to time monetary compensation to their employees and that ultimately benefits the companies.

The opponent may say that there are also other factors which affect the productivity such as the type of work assigned to the employee,receiving praise from boss on achieving high sales target.But according to me,when compared with monetary compensation they are not more important.They are not even equally important.

In nutshell, though there are other factors that improve employee's productivity,offering monetary compensation enhances employee's morale and his enthusiasm towards work the most.Hence I strongly support the author's opinion that "The monetary compensation is the most powerful stimulus for improving employee productivity".
Intern
Intern
Joined: 29 Dec 2010
Posts: 25
Location: United States
GMAT 1: 700 Q50 V35
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 5 [0], given: 9

Re: please rate my essay [#permalink] New post 05 Feb 2011, 09:50
Thanks prabshan
I will incorporate these suggestions in my next essay.
Re: please rate my essay   [#permalink] 05 Feb 2011, 09:50
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