I'm no expert at this, but my impression is that your paragraphs are too short. You need to beef up the introduction and conclusion paragraphs by summarizing the points you are going to (and have) discussed. Also the points you raise in your paragraph are good, but again I feel like the paragraphs need to be longer. I'm not sure how I could do a better job though, it's a hard topic!
Also, your fourth paragraph talks about two topics in one. Maybe the last point about serving your parents came to you as you were writing the essay so you added it in. I wouldn't do that..either don't mention the point or put it into a separate paragraph with its own examples.
Please give Kudos if you like my post