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ISSUE

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Joined: 19 Feb 2010
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ISSUE [#permalink] New post 04 Jul 2010, 09:26
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Yogesh Agarwal
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Re: ISSUE [#permalink] New post 05 Jul 2010, 12:07
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I'm no expert at this, but my impression is that your paragraphs are too short. You need to beef up the introduction and conclusion paragraphs by summarizing the points you are going to (and have) discussed. Also the points you raise in your paragraph are good, but again I feel like the paragraphs need to be longer. I'm not sure how I could do a better job though, it's a hard topic!

Also, your fourth paragraph talks about two topics in one. Maybe the last point about serving your parents came to you as you were writing the essay so you added it in. I wouldn't do that..either don't mention the point or put it into a separate paragraph with its own examples.
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Re: ISSUE [#permalink] New post 04 Jul 2010, 09:29
This is my first attempt on a mock writing my AWA. Please give in your valuable feedback. Thanks.
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Yogesh Agarwal
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Re: ISSUE [#permalink] New post 06 Jul 2010, 10:24
hetalcs wrote:
I'm no expert at this, but my impression is that your paragraphs are too short. You need to beef up the introduction and conclusion paragraphs by summarizing the points you are going to (and have) discussed. Also the points you raise in your paragraph are good, but again I feel like the paragraphs need to be longer. I'm not sure how I could do a better job though, it's a hard topic!

Also, your fourth paragraph talks about two topics in one. Maybe the last point about serving your parents came to you as you were writing the essay so you added it in. I wouldn't do that..either don't mention the point or put it into a separate paragraph with its own examples.



Hi hetalcs,
Thanks for that crucial input. I tried making them big but I believe time was a constraint. For my other mocks, I will try including this piece of advice. Thanks a lot.
Kudos for you!!
Take Care
Bye
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Yogesh Agarwal
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CONSIDER AWARDING KUDOS IF MY POST HELPS !!!

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Joined: 19 Feb 2010
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Kudos [?]: 20 [0], given: 6

Re: ISSUE [#permalink] New post 13 Jul 2010, 12:05
Please review this:
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Re: ISSUE   [#permalink] 13 Jul 2010, 12:05
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